Wow! What
joy for the bride and groom, for family and friends! It is the happiest day of
my life. Today we witnessed an outstandingly significant spiritual event. Not
only were two halves of a soul reunited, but a serious spiritual wrong has been
corrected.
In the story
of creation (1), God looked at his creation and repeatedly said it was good, except
for one thing, about which he said the opposite: “it is not good for the
human to be alone (2)”.
If man is
alone he can be mistaken for a God, because he would be alone on earth like God,
who is alone in the heavens (3). Thus, it is not proper for humans to be alone.
It does not fit the essential spiritual role of humans to be alone (4). We were
meant to be social beings, not alone.
So how was this
problem solved? God created a woman and marriage. Half-jokingly, I proclaim
that no husband would ever make the mistake again that he is God, once he is
married!
Seriously
though, why create woman? If men need companionship, God could have simply created
more men. But it is precisely living with someone from the opposite gender that
advances personal growth (5); that is, when men and women are challenged by
difference, to accommodate and negotiate different norms from their families, different
ways of processing emotions, for example.
I once met an
old-fashioned man, who got annoyed with his wife shortly after they got married
because she opened mail that was addressed to him. His wife explained that she
grew up in a big family where it was normal, when the post was delivered, for
someone to run, get and open everyone’s letters. However, she changed her
customary behaviour to follow her husband’s norm. I asked this man how he
reciprocated his wife’s sacrifice. ‘Oh, I don’t read her mail either’ he
replied! He completely missed the point about self-transcendence achieved
through accommodation.
Unlike this man,
what is required from us is to rise to the challenge designed for us: to put
aside our ego, make space for each other and in that way grow in the way God intended
for us.
This begs
the question: if God knows everything, why did He create man alone in the first
place and then say it was not good? Why not simply create man with a mate like
He did with all the animals?
The truth is
that, although in one sense it is not good for man to be alone, in another
sense, for humans to be alone and unique - the quality of oneness and independence
- is appropriate. “It is fitting for man to have a little oneness” (6). To
be a little God-like. As the psalmist states:
מאלוקים ותחסריהו
מעט
“You have made him [man] little less than divine” (7). Just as God has the ultimate
free choice, it is appropriate for a human to march to your own drum, at least some
of the time to dream your dreams, to retreat into a man-cave, a little.
Then, to return to marriage, to the social contract and to dissolve your ego in
awareness of the other. To be “very married” (8).
To
illustrate the two modes humans are meant to operate in – the independent and
wild on the one hand and, on the other hand, the domesticated, interdependent
and responsible - I share the following poem by Zelda.
The flame
says to the cypress:
“When I
see how calm, how full of pride you are,
Something
inside me goes wild –
How can
one live this awesome life,
without a
touch of madness,
of
spirit,
of
imagination,
of
freedom,
with only
a grim, ancient pride?
If I
could, I would burn down the establishment that we call the seasons,
along
with your cursed dependence
on earth
and air and sun, on rain and dew.”
The
cypress does not answer.
He knows
there is madness in him,
and
freedom,
and
imagination,
and
spirit.
But the
flame will not understand,
the flame
will not believe. (9)
The
cypress looks "very married": the epitome of the ‘baalabus’ - domesticated!
But lurking beneath is the solitary man, a little crazy and wild, alive with
holy craziness (10).
So, I wish
the groom and bride love and companionship, spiritual growth together and, as
appropriate, also separately. May you lose your egos in care for each other and
find just enough ego for some individual greatness.
Notes
1)
Genesis
1
2)
Genesis
2:18
3)
Pirkei
D'Rabbi Eliezer, cited in Rashi on Genesis 2:18
4)
Maharal
of Prague in his commentary Gur Aryeh about Genesis 2:18
5)
Eisenblatt,
D. (1988), Fulfilment in marriage, Feldheim Publishers, p. 18- 29
6)
Maharal,
ibid
7)
Psalms
8:6
8)
The
term very married comes from an anecdote I heard from Sholom Popper about a
young Chabadnik in Russia with limited command of the Russian language. When
someone asked to speak to the Rabbi, the young fellow mixed up the words for
busy and married. He told the visitor that the Rabbi was “married”. The visitor
insisted they only need a few minutes. The young Chabadnik tried to explain
that the Rabbi was very busy, so he told the visitor the Rabbi was very
married!
9)
Zelda,
Translation: 2004, Marcia Lee Falk, From: The Spectacular Difference, Publisher:
Hebrew Union College, Cincinnati, 2004,
https://www.poetryinternational.com/en/poets-poems/poems/poem/103-3281_TWO-ELEMENTS/
10)
שטות דקדושה discussed in
the Maamar Baasi Lgani, by the 6th Lubavitcher Rebbe.
