Love flourishing or turned to hate - The cases of two prince-rapists Amnon & Shechem and the war beauty

I have been thinking about the struggles of couples to realise true love of each other in light of the craving to have their own needs and desires met, and the various pressures each of us deals with. The Torah reading this week mentions hatred of wives seven times (1) as well as some guidance for newlyweds, so it might contain some clues. I also investigate the cases of the Bible's two prince-rapists who claimed to love their victims. 

The first lesson is deceptively simple, although I will argue below that the truth is more complex. Physical desire that inspires feelings of instant “love” (2) might soon be replaced by loathing (3). This message is conveyed by the juxtaposition of two cases in the Torah. The first is about a soldier who sees a “beautiful woman” captive, and craves her, then marries her (4). This case is immediately followed by the case of a man with two wives, one of whom is referred to as “the hated one” (5). The hint is that the former is likely to end up the latter.

The replacement of self centred “love” by hate is tragically illustrated in the story of the princess, Tamar, who was raped by her half brother Amnon. Amnon was so in “love” with Tamar that he felt sick (6). He grabbed her, and despite her impassioned pleas, Amnon overpowered Tamar and raped her (7). However, immediately after the crime, “Amnon hated her with very great hatred, for greater was the hatred with which he hated her than the “love” with which he had “loved” her” (8). Tamar was utterly devastated, tearing her clothes and “screaming as she goes” (9). Amnon’s shift from “love” to hatred is attributed to shame and self-loathing, projected onto the person -“object” - that he used in his self-debasement (10). 

The prudish inference that body-based “love” and sexual desire is bad, but mind-spirit love is good, is disproven in the case of the other biblical prince-rapist (11) Shechem. Shechem is not motivated by animal desire of his body, but a higher attraction in his soul (12) to his victim’s spirit (13). After he raped her, he did not hate her, on the contrary, we are told that he loved her and that he, sickeningly, spoke to “her heart” (14), perhaps expressing his twisted soulful desire in fancy love poems. Shechem’s lack of hatred and self-loathing is an interesting contrast to Amnon’s post rape reaction. In the end, however, what matters is the common lack of consent by their “love interests,” and their shared, utterly selfish disregard of their victims’  will and dignity. In fact, the Midrash puts Tamar’s exact words (15) into Dina’s mouth, she too says “and I, where will I take my shame?” (16). If we are ever caught up in our inner spiritual needs in our relationships, let us remember that spiritual narcissism is contemptible!  

The message of tuning in to one’s partner is conveyed strongly in the law of the exemption from war given to newlywed men who must, instead, spend a year making their wife happy (17). This message is read in three ways. One translator alters the meaning somewhat to replace a man selflessly making his wife happy to say that he should rejoice with his wife (18). It is healthy when joy is mutual and for spouses to be assertive and proactive about meeting their own needs and desires, while also being attentive to their partner. This variation from the plain meaning of the text is emphatically rejected as a “mistake” by another commentator, perhaps seeking to keep the emphasis on the value of focusing on the needs of one’s spouse (19). A third commentary suggests that physical intimacy for 364 nights over that first year is hinted at in the numerical value of the Hebrew word “VSimach” ושמח - to make happy (20). The bottom line is that it is not about how one expresses care and true love of another, but the authenticity of truly loving them, rather than loving only one’s self.    

For the full lesson on this topic click here  

Notes

1. Deuteronomy 21:15, 21:6, 22:13, 22:16, 24:3
2. Alshich - beginning of Ki Tetze, p. 237
3. Rashi to Deuteronomy 21:14, based on Sifre to 21:14 and Talmud Sanhedrin 107a
4. Deuteronomy 21:10-14
5. Deuteronomy 21:15
6. Samuel II, 13:1-2
7. Samuel II, 13:11-14
8. Samuel II, 13:15-17
9. Samuel II, 13:18-20
10. Abarbanel and Malbim’s commentary. 

אברבנל: הפועל המגונה זה דרכו שבהשלמתו יקנה האדם  ממנו חרטה רבה ושנאה גדולה, וכמאמר המדיני הרשעים מלאים חרטות, ולכן אמנון לא עצר כח לראותה עוד בהתחרטו ממה שעשה.
מלבים: וישנאה אחר שהיה תאוה כלביית מיד שנכבה רשף התאוה חלפה האהבה שלא היתה אהבה עצמיית, ואז בהכירו תועבת הנבלה הזאת שב לשנוא את הנושא שעל ידו נסבב לו זאת, וזה שכתוב גדולה השנאה מהאהבה שהאהבה בעצמה סבבה את השנאה שכשזכר תועבת האהבה הזאת, אשר היתה עתה לזרה בעיניו, נהפך לבו בקרבו לשנאה גדולה:

11.           The designation of Shechem as a rapist in Genesis 34:1-11  is less clear than the case of Amnon but is supported by Ramban’s commentary to Genesis 34:2 

12.           Genesis 34:3 & 8

13.           Alshich to Genesis 34, p. 305

14.           Genesis 34:3  

15.           Samuel II, 13:13

16.           Bereshit Rabba to Genesis 34, 80:10 

17.           Deuteronomy 24:5   

18.           Targum Yonatan Ben Uziel  

19.           Rashi to Deuteronomy 24:5 

20.           Baal Haturim, the Gematria of the word ושמח is 364. The night of Yom Kippur is the one exception to this recommended daily expression of love. 

 

“Girly Men’s” Redemption - Vayeshev

The strip search of "Love Makes A Way" protesters
this week and the broader asylum seeker  policy
debate in Australia illustrates the soft vs hard debate

Although I like to think that I am happy with my mix of strengths and weaknesses, I occasionally feel concerned about being “a soft person”. I can sometimes be indecisive, spontaneous, impulsive and conciliatory. I find that my energy levels fluctuate. There are times when I am filled with hope. At other times, I feel daunted by my work challenges and life. Occasionally I feel envious of successful “hard men”. They are decisive, disciplined, determined and consistent. They know what they want, and appear able to bend people to their will. I suspect however that redemption - whenever it comes - might be due more to the influence of women (or “girly men”) than “hard men”.

In this week’s Torah reading we are introduced to a puzzling story about a family whose two oldest sons marry the same beautiful (1) woman (named Tamar); one after the other. Both brothers die young (2). Eventually Tamar, pretending to be a prostitute, seduces and later marries her father in law, giving birth to twins, after having narrowly escaped being burned alive. What is even more intriguing for me is that this adventure is understood by the Jewish sages as God being “occupied with creating the light of the Messiah” (3). This is because one of the twins (that were born out of wedlock) is the ancestor of King David, who in turn, is professed to be a predecessor of the Messiah! 

This ancestor of the Messiah is named Peretz, which means “to burst forth”. His twin brother is Zarach, which means “to shine”. The children’s names are linked to the sun and the moon. The name Zarach/Shine is associated with the sun that shines consistently, while Peretz, the ancestor of the Messiah, is connected with the moon (4), which waxes and wanes, just as the passionate King David’s royal dynasty fluctuated over history (5). This suggests that those “who live the ups and downs” are closer to the character of the Messiah than those who appear to consistently “shine brightly like the sun”. 

In addition to the value placed on those of us who fluctuate, which is arguably a sign of living to the full,  there is also emphasis on the feminine. In patriarchal societies there is a sense that men are the ones to take the initiative in relation to sex and marriage. Men propose. Yet when it comes to the ancestors of the Messiah (who are also the ancestors of King David from whom the Messiah descends), there are three strong women who take the initiative in orchestrating a sexual encounter or marriage (6), as pointed out in an article by Rabbi Arthur Waskow. 

Ruth, the Moabite takes the lead in initiating a relationship with Boaz. She sleeps at his feet (7) uninvited. When Boaz wakes up frightened, Ruth invites him to “spread his coat over her” (8), which is an expression of marriage (9). Ruth descends from the daughter of Lot. She and her father (and sister) escaped the destruction of Sodom and thought all the men had perished. So she got her father drunk and was impregnated by him (10). Moab, the baby born of that liaison, is another ancestor of the Messiah; his existence the result of an assertive woman taking the lead. 

According to Kabbalistic traditions, in the Messianic era, women will be in an elevated position compared to men (11). One Rabbi put it simply: “In Messianic times, the female's superiority will be apparent” (12). As we strive for a more redemptive way of being, as represented by the Messianic age, it makes sense to prioritise feminine perspectives and ways of being. 

Of course, one can argue that the traditions should allow for the possibility of a female messiah, but this is a topic for a separate discussion. The material in this blog is sufficient to inspire me to harness and assert my more feminine or softer characteristics, to nudge the people in my sphere of influence slightly and gently closer to the way of redemption.

Notes:
1) Midrash Hagadol, cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 2, p. 1449
2) Genesis 38
3) Midrash of Rabbi Nechunya Ben Hakaneh, cited in Ramban to Genesis 38:29,
4) Midrash of Rabbi Nechunya Ben Hakaneh, cited in Ramban to Genesis 38:29,
5) Rabbenu Bchaya, he also suggests that the twins were reincarnations of the two older sons of Judah who died, Er and Onan. These two were either ego centric, in the case of Onan, who did not want to have children “for his brother” (Genesis 38:8-9) or, Er who commentary tells us did not want to have children lest it make Tamar ugly (Midrash Hagadol). It could be argued that both of these men, were what might be termed as very masculine in their approaches and needed to be reincarnated to correct these flaws before one of them could be the ancestor of the Messiah.
6) Rabbi Arthur Waskow, https://theshalomcenter.org/content/lots-daughter-tamar-and-ruth-mothers-messiah, accessed 10/12/14
7) Ruth 3:7
8) Ruth 3:9,
9) Taking her ‘under his wing’ by spreading the corner of his coat over her is an expression of marriage (Rashi). According to one opinion the Jewish wedding custom in which the groom put a vail over the brides face is a variation of this theme in the book of Ruth, and is in fact the true expression of the significant marriage ritual referred to as Chuppah (Meiri, Ketubot 7b, Piskey Riaz Ketubot 1:11, Sefer Hamanhig 109, Avudaram order of blessings of Erusin, and Maharil laws of marriage all cited in Hanesuim Kehilchatam, Adler, B, (1985) Hamesorah,  Jerusalem
10) Genesis 19:30-38
11) Often cited in Chabad teachings, Rabbi M. M. Schneerson, Likutei Sichos vol 11, p. 62,
12) Markus, Rabbi Y, http://www.kabbalaonline.org/kabbalah/article_cdo/aid/379377/jewish/Elemental-Strengths.htm