Painful Thoughts of a Boy-Man - Noah 2019

Image by Ilona Ilyés  https://pixabay.com/users/ilyessuti-3558510/

I watched a video of a most compelling and haunting piece of music by Amir Dadon and Shuli Rand that expresses the pain of being bombarded by the words - in our thoughts -that keep coming back at us. “Enough!” they cry. For me, it is the waves of rumination and anxiety that often shame me and drain my energy for living. One theme is the question: Am I “man” enough or a little boy? 

They say: “Just because I am paranoid, doesn’t mean they are not after me (1) .” My fear is partly driven by the daunting nature of my work on interfaith/diversity education and the real limitations of my abilities. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. However, while on one level I know that I am good enough and capable of contributing, my brain is wired to conflate irrational insecurities and self-doubt with real challenges. 

This week’s Torah reading tells the story of Noah, who, according to one tradition, vainly tried to influence his financially (2) and sexually exploitative (3) , wicked generation to mend their ways, and to warn them that their behaviour would lead to their destruction (4) . His generation ridiculed him (5) and rejected his message (6) , and were ultimately wiped out in a terrible flood. 

After the catastrophic flood, Noah emerged from the ark drank himself into oblivion (7) and disgraced himself. This story correctly shows how drugs like alcohol can be destructive. It is also an intriguing example of  numbing pain through wine, drugs or the sugar hits we get from being on our mobile phones. This is not simple. Abuse survivor and self-confessed drug addict, Tara Schultz, argues that “it is adversity, [including her undertreated mental health situation] not drug addiction”, that is at the heart of the matter for people like her (8).

What led the great Noah to drink? Perhaps he struggled with survivor guilt (9) or the shame of his failure to prevent the horror of the destruction of the world as he knew it. Or, perhaps Noah was caught up in the painful boy/man conundrum. One tradition suggests that Noah was like a little boy, whose dad needed to hold his hand, as the Torah states: God “walked Noah (10) ” (Not a typo, this is the most accurate way to convey the feel of the Hebrew text). It is  not helpful to infer from this that seeking support is a fault. There is no shame in needing support. In fact Noah is praised, in another interpretation of the same verse, for his humility (11) .  

Perhaps the Midrashic comparison of Noah to a boy suggests that Noah himself felt (unnecessarily) inadequate, and like ‘a little boy’ for being so dependent on God’s constant support (12) . If this is the case, it might explain the fact that Noah is silent and appears quite passive in the text that introduces the flood (13) . Noah is said to have been afraid of engaging with the sinners of his time in case he might be influenced by the sinners rather than deterring them from evil (14). We see that harsh self-criticism and an excessively low self-concept can severely limit our capacity to achieve our potential and contribute (15).

According to the mystics, our relentless waves of worry -represented by the flood - requires an escape into prayer, represented by Noah’s ark. If we access spiritual support, we can be safe from the destructive deluge of these thoughts. Furthermore, the worries, themselves, now seen in perspective, can motivate us to greater achievement - symbolised by the fact that the ark was lifted higher by the waves (16).

  

I know and embrace the fact that I am child-like in some ways. I  worry sometimes and need reassurance -  to be “held” emotionally by a supportive parent, mentor, colleague or friend. This is nothing to be ashamed of. I am also an adult, a man, who can respectfully, assertively, confidently, humbly and gently make a contribution to the cause I have dedicated my life to. As the Marist Brothers say, I can do this with a “strong mind and gentle heart”. 

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^[1] Joseph Heller, in Catch-22

^[2] Genesis 6:11

^[3] Genesis 6:2

^[4] Prikey Drabbi Eliezer 25, cited in Torah Shlaima Noach, 150, p.398

^[5] Midrash

^[6] Midrash Tanchua, cited in Torah Shlaima Noach, 168, p.401

^[7] Genesis 9:20-21

^[8] https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-10-27/australia-talks-tara-schultz-drugs-abuse-welfare-quarantine/11639602

^[9] Sacks, J. (2009) Covenant and Conversation, Genesis p.46

^[10] Bereshis Rabba 30:9-10, based on Genesis 6:9

^[11] Midrash Hagadol, in Torah Shlaima 140, p. 395

^[12] The approach to Midrash has been discussed in Nehama Leibovitz’s works

^[13] Sacks, J. (2009) Covenant and Conversation, Genesis p. 45

^[14] Etz Yosef on  Bereshis Rabba 30:9-10

^[15] The Previous Lubavitcher Rebbe, R. YY. Schneerson, in principles of education and guidance, 10.

^[16] Torah Ohr, Noah

Fear and Calm - Ekev Reay

Image used under Creative Commons License Attribution 2.0, Image by
 Ralf Steinberger

On the 26th of July I posted about having felt afraid at an important meeting, and talking too much because I felt anxious (1). This week I met with some of the same people, about the same issues, but I was quite calm and tuned in to the people I was meeting with. In this blog I explore my experience with fear and some of Torah’s wisdom on the topic.

After the meeting, I reflected on the difference between the two meetings I had. In the first I was quite high-energy and my thinking and talking was fast paced, and, on reflection, I was driven by an unprocessed fear of failure, to get the results I was hoping for. In the second meeting, however, my pace and energy level were moderate, or even subdued, and I was completely present to what the people I was meeting with thought, wanted and needed.

One factor that was different was mindfulness. At the second meeting I was aware of my various thoughts and motivations. Another factor was awareness of some Torah wisdom. The Torah calls us to do both what is proper, from the perspective of people, and what is good, from the perspective of God (2). The wording here is precise: while humans are capable of determining proper conduct, by ensuring we follow upright processes (3 ) and contribute the initial inputs to those in an ethical way; only the prescient God knows what outcomes will truly turn out to be truly “good” (4). This lowers the stakes. I don’t need to try to force an outcome. The outcomes are truly out of my hands and, therefore, are not my responsibility.

Another teaching that helped me relax, was the idea that I learned yesterday that if one can put aside selfish motives, then one can be confident of being guided to the right choices (5). So I need to focus on being altruistic in my motives and intentions, and leave the outcomes to God I combine these teachings with the secular idea of working “with” people; rather than trying to bend people to one’s will, which is incompatible with productive collaboration. Thus, I can choose to trust people, who have their own choices to make and their own wisdom in making those decisions; and I need not feel responsible to push for a particular outcome or conclusion.

Another strategy, is to initially embrace the fear, rather than run from it. Once I have accepted that I feel the feelings that I do, I can then open myself to support from others. Moses tells the Israelites in the desert that, ‘if they feel daunted by the challenge of conquering people, who [they estimate to be] more numerous and stronger than themselves, they should not be afraid because God will help them’ (6). Commentary makes the point that it is precisely when you acknowledge your fear and vulnerability, that you can trust God will help you and in this way you're able to put aside your fear. However, if one suffers from hubris and is overconfident, then he should not expect divine assistance, and had better be afraid (7).

Notes

1)     http://torahforsociallyawarehasid.blogspot.com/2019/07/violence-and-resilience-of-aggrieved.html

2)     Deuteronomy 12:28, as interpreted by Rabbi Akiva in Sifre ad loc.

3)     Gur Aryeh on Deuteronomy 12:28.

4)     Torah Temima on Deuteronomy 12:28, note 113.

5)     I could not recall the source at the time of writing.

6)     Deuteronomy, 7:17-18.

7)     Chida, in Torat Hachida, Ekev, 25 & 26, pages 76-77.

On Healing, “Something seems off”, & Remembering Joe Sheridan

A funeral was held exactly one month ago on the fourth of March for the late Joseph Sheridan, a catholic man who changed my life. I dedicate this blog post to his shining soul.

Joe was a modest man, who was concerned about the situation he saw around him. One Tuesday afternoon he called the Synagogue where I was teaching, at a time of significant unease for me. In late 2001, it seemed to me that the high ideals that Judaism and more specifically my particular version of Judaism, following Chabad, Hasidic, Orthodox traditions, was not being realised. I grew up believing that our teachings make us altruistic, selfless, refined, compassionate, devout and spiritually unique. Of course concerns with survival, status, money and power are part of human nature, still, I was feeling quite concerned about this. Joe talked passionately about his own deep disquiet about the same issue from a Christian Catholic perspective. His sincerity, altruism, and spiritual depth opened my eyes to a universal struggle toward ideals such as compassion. 

Apart from Joe’s courage and commitment, spiritual pain was an important catalyst for the interfaith, diversity & values education work I would lead for the next 12 years. In the Torah readings of this week and last week we learn about a time in a person’s life, when they need to be alone.  The Torah talks about “a Metzora”, a person whose skin suddenly changes its colour , (normally translated as leprosy, but traditionally argued as being something very different) which can be understood as being about a signal that something is wrong. It is useful to notice and value these signals from our spirit that something is not right or is out of balance.

When something was off-colour a member of the priestly clan, the Cohanim, was to be consulted. The Cohen’s role was generally to be an advocate for the people, performing sacrificial rituals that brought forgiveness to others. The Cohen/advocate is seen as the one that actually activates the “impure” status of the “Metzorah ”. Often , it is only a compassionate voice that can be useful for dealing with flaws in our selves, communities or in other communities. The harsh critical voice can sometimes drag us down; make us feel depressed and less determined to do what is right .

To grow or heal after spending some time alone, there was a ceremony that involved water, cedar, oregano or thyme plant and birds . Being sprinkled with Water represents rebirth. It reminds us that “today is not yesterday” . We can start over, several times a day, countless times over a life time. Oregano or Thyme represents humility, particularly when the tiny plant is contrasted with the tall Cedar tree.  The Cedar, on the other hand represents awareness of our strengths and virtues and a rejection of false modesty . I think Joe had the right mix of independent minded confidence and humility.

The ritual also included two birds, one bird was sacrificed, symbolising the need for caution about careless and hurtful twitter or chatter. The other bird was released and allowed to fly freely.

Birds are also associated with peace. The Talmud tells us that if a dream includes a river, a kettle or a bird the dreamer will have peace. The Villna Gaon explains that there are three stages in peaceful relationships. First there is trade symbolised by a river, two people who give and take to and from each other. Then there is team work, e.g. fire and water collaborate in the kettle to cook. The third stage is when the features of walking on earth and flying in the sky are completely combined in the body of the bird . This third path is the one that Joe has inspired in me and others in “Together For Humanity ”.

May your dear soul fly to beautiful places with God, Joe. I hope your soul smiles whenever the ripples of goodness, kindness and acceptance continue to manifest in the spirits of all those touched because of your spiritual discomfort, grace, and generosity of spirit.

Notes

1.  Leviticus 13:1-14:32
2.  Ohr Hachayim on Leviticus 13:3, understanding the Hebrew words אותו  וטמא  as “He will contaminate him” rather than “declare him contaminated” as it is in some translations 
3.  There are times when harsher means are needed even perhaps with ourselves see Tanya Chapter 29
4.  Tanya Chapter 26
5.  Leviticus 14:1-4
6.  Gordon, Y. http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1612482/jewish/Today-Is-Not-Yesterday.htm
7.  Chidushei Harim, cited in Greenbaum, N. Otzar Mefarshei Hapshat, published by M. Abramovitz, Bnai Brak Israel
8. Feldman, A. (1987) River, the Kettle and the Bird: A Torah Guide to a Successful Marriage, Feldheim  http://www.amazon.com/River-Kettle-Bird-Successful-Marriage/dp/0873064402
9. www.togetherforhumanity.org.au