My speech for son's Bar Mitzva Be a Dragon Rider

What a night, to be with all of you to celebrate our delightful Tuvia’s Bar Mitzvah.

King David told his 12-year-old son, Solomon, “I am going the way of all the land, to die, and you should be strong and be a man[i]”.

What kind of man should you be?

You should follow the example of the men you were named after.

Moshe Tuvia Stark, your great-grandfather who was so loved that every time his grandchildren mentioned his name, their whole faces lit up with pleasure.

My wife Shoshie and I, grandparents, and teachers all get great pleasure from you. This is no small matter, as we are taught: “Every person in whom people’s spirit find pleasure, God is pleased with, but anyone that people are not pleased with, God is also not pleased with[ii]”.

Mr. Stark was an example of the teaching that; “In a place where there are no men, step up and be a man[iii]”. He was ‘the man’ who took responsibility for the synagogue, two schools, meals for those in need, the mikveh, and the burial society.

You are also named after your great, great grandfather, Dr. Armin, Yirmiyahu Blau. A Torah scholar and a teacher. One of his students wrote about him. “His depth of knowledge of German culture and his artistic interests fascinated us and called on us to follow him.  “Nobody instructed us better in the noble art of being human.[iv]”

Great shoes to fill, but you are already on your way to living up to their examples, thanks to the balanced education you get at your school, Kesser Torah. But, as Reb Zushe said, it is not our task to be a copy of anyone else. Certainly, not strong, and brutal like Samson[v]. Instead, we must strive to be the best version of ourselves[vi].

So, I return to the question of what kind of man you will become?

I invite you to consider being the kind of man represented by a fictional, brave, young man, wise beyond his years.

I refer to the character called Hiccup, a young dragon rider[vii].

It is written: “who is strong, one who conquers his own inclination”[viii].

The kind of man you must be, is one who is able to tame the beast inside of you.

According to Hasidic teachings, the meaning of the sacrifices offered up in the temple, is to offer up the animals inside of us.

The ox represents the aggressive part of us[ix], that reacts harshly when provoked or irritated, when we feel that the other person is not being reasonable and deserves a harsh reaction.

It is ok to be assertive, but we must be calm and restrained.

The wrong kind of ox is represented by many of the 1980s New York City cops I remember who were in the habit of yelling insults at people who made a traffic mistake.

 On the other hand, the harnessed ox is exemplified by the detective who stopped at a traffic light, next to a car full of Yeshiva students including me on Ocean Parkway in Brooklyn. He flashed a badge and in a very calm, soft voice told the driver “I have been watching your driving”, he listed all the things the driver did wrong. Then he said: “I am not a cop, I am not going to give you a ticket. You keep driving like this and I will take you into the station”. The driving dramatically improved. 

But we also sacrifice sheep. This represents pleasure-seeking. A gentle sheep that does nothing but eat grass play on the computer and endlessly dribble a basketball.

Here is the odd thing about pleasure. In moderation, pleasure is good. All the sacrifices had to include salt[x] which adds flavour to food[xi]. I am proud of your basketball ability. 

But we must not be driven by seeking pleasure. We must be in control.

The Torah states that yeast or honey was generally not allowed to be part of the sacrifices[xii]. We must not be motivated by the drive for pleasure represented by honey[xiii], but do what is right, because it is right[xiv].

The animal soul we have inside is wild and loves his pleasure. It can be incredibly productive and delightful which is great. Its passion can help us fly high and accomplish things we might never have imagined possible, but this only works if we direct it.

Tuvia, welcome to the dragon riders, young man.

 

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[i] Kings I 2:2

[ii] Pirkey Avot 3:10

[iii] Pirkey Avot 2:5

[iv] Wolfsberg, Dr. O, Armin Published in Zion, vol 9, no. 3, pp. 13-14. July 1937. Berlin. Translated from German to English by his daughter Rivka (Jenny) Marmorstein.http://www.geni.com/people/R-Dr-Armin-%D7%99%D7%A8%D7%9E%D7%99%D7%94%D7%95-Blau/353035782440006443

[v] Lyrics to the 8^th Day song

[vi] https://jewishjournal.com/commentary/blogs/336309/a-moment-in-time-why-were-you-not-more-like-zusia/

[vii] the main protagonist of the DreamWorks’ animated How to Train Your Dragon

[viii] Pirkey Avot 4:1

[ix] Likutei Torah, Vayikra

[x] Leviticus 2:13

[xi] Baal Shem Tov on the Torah

[xii] Leviticus 2:11

[xiii] Sefer Hachinuch 117, referred to as “self-oriented satisfaction a person feels in his divine service – based on Ohr Hatorah and Yahel Or in The Siddur Illuminated with Chassidus, p. 39, Kehot publications

[xiv] Maimonides, Mishneh Torah, Laws of repentance 1:3

Bar Mitzvah speech to my son on becoming a restrained man

This morning you are celebrating your entering into the status of being a commanded man. Young men today can get the wrong idea of what it means to be a man, and particularly a Chabad man. It is less about dominance and more about restraint.

To be a man, some might think is about being loud and beating your chest. To  dominate. To bend others to your will. To get what you want. This is wrong.

Our sages taught: who is a strong person? One who conquers his evil inclination! (1) To control oneself is at the core of being an adult, man or woman. Having celebrated International Women’s day this past week, in this post #metoo age, it is a good time for men to remind ourselves that our task is to be humble and respectful of others’ needs, wants and rights. We need to focus our dominating to our own base inclinations.

There is also a misconception about what it means to be a Chabad man. The modern Chabad man seems to be an action figure. Unstoppable energy and frenetic activity. The chabad man will put teffilin (ritual prayer boxes) on every man, feed cholent (a sabbath food) to every lost Jew and acquire big buildings in every corner of the planet. This is not untrue, but it is not the most important part of being a chabad man.

You read for us from the Torah. Almost all of the reading was about activity - building a house for God (2). But the first part of the portion is not about doing anything at all. In fact, it is about the opposite. It is about not doing forbidden work on the Sabbath (3).

Why the digression? Surely, ‘since the temple symbolised God’s presence among the nation, its construction should take precedence over resting on the Sabbath. Surely, action seems a much more eloquent witness of faith than merely the absence of work’. Clearly, this argument is repudiated in God’s command in the midst of the discussion about the temple work that the Sabbath rest must be observed (4). Instead of saying  “don’t just sit there, do something”, say “don’t just do something, sit there!”. To be a Jewish man requires time spent thinking, meditating, reflecting and being still.

A story is told about two Hasidim who sat down to do a “Farbrengen”. They poured some vodka into their two cups. They sat silently together for a long time during the night. They didn’t need to say anything, they knew each other thoughts. After a few hours, they poured the untouched vodka back into the bottle. This story is closer to the true meaning of being a Hasid than running around, which is a necessary and temporary distraction from the inner life of the Hasid.

However, the spirit one brings to the activity is important as well. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks highlights links between the creation story and the building of the temple in our reading.  The book of Genesis begins with God creating the universe as a home for humankind. The book of Exodus ends with human beings, the Israelites, creating the Sanctuary as a home for God.

Sacks links both creation processes with the concept of Tzimtum, literally contraction, but also self-restraint. The Jewish mystics were troubled by the question: If God exists, how can the universe exist? At every point in time and space, the Infinite God should crowd out the finite. Nothing physical or material should be able to survive for even a moment in the presence of the pure, absolute Being of God.

Tzimtzum is the solution to this problem. For the universe to exist, God hid Himself and limited His presence in the world. That created space for the world, and for us.

This self-restraint needs to be reciprocated by humans. The making of the temple required the people to make space for God in our world and lives. It is in the space vacated by us that God’s presence can be felt in our midst. We engage in self-limitation every time we set aside our devices (pun intended) and desires in order to act on the basis of God’s will, not our own.

Sacks continues: So, for six days a week God makes space for us to be creative. On the seventh day, the holy Sabbath, we make space for God. There are secular places where we pursue our own purposes. And there are holy places where we open ourselves, fully and without reserve, to God’s purposes.

The highest achievement is not self-expression but self-limitation: making space for something other and different from us. Great parents make space for their children. Great teachers make space for their pupils. They are there when needed, but they don’t dominate. They practice tzimtzum, self-limitation, so that others have the space to grow.

So Levi, as a young Jewish man of the Chabad tribe, of the Kastel- Eichel- Stark-Blau clans, as a member of the Chabad House and your school communities, and as a resident and citizen of the great laid back land of Australia, go forth, and do what the Lord demands of you: to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk in a low-key way with your God (5). Good on ya cobber. We are all so proud of you. Mazal Tov.

1. Pirkey Avot
2. Sidra Vayakhel Pekudei Exodus 35-40
3. Exodus 35:2-3
4. Abarbanel in Leibovitz, N, Studies in the Weekly Sidra. Exodus.
5. Micah

A Sermon for my Son, Negotiation of Emotions, Tasks and Relationships

Yesterday my son Nachman celebrated his Bar Mitzvah by being called to the Torah and reading from it. This is an edited version of the Sermon I delivered.

Nachman is still within the first week of being a commanded Jewish man, this is a special time. I remember my own Bar Mitzvah. It was a holy, almost magical moment, when I was acutely aware that everything I did mattered.

Doing Right

I cared a lot then, about doing the right thing then, I still do. This is something I learned from my parents, not from their words but from their example and I hope I can pass on to you. The idea that what matters most is not just to be happy but to do what is right.

Skilled Debater and Negotiator

Nachman, one of your many qualities is your ability to argue a point, whether in the Talmud or in day to day negotiations or debates. It is fitting that the Torah reading this week includes various negotiations. The affirmative argument I propose is that negotiation needs to be conducted in an assertive but gracious and principled, manner, even if you think the other party might not deserve it. In Hebrew this is called, Chein, in English it is called Grace. This sometimes includes searching our own hearts about our motives.  Nachman will need to negotiate at least three important matters as a commanded Jewish man. These include; emotions, tasks and relationships.

Missing/Shrunken Letters

In debating, one strategy is to make it easy for people to follow the arguments. In this talk there is a common thread in that many of my arguments will draw on hints in the Torah text, missing letters or even a shrunken letter in some words. These variations reduce the force of the particular word.

Negotiating Emotion

As you travel on life’s journey you will have many feelings. These will include feeling like taking a break when the task is particularly challenging or boring. Boredom for the 21^st century adolescent is of course a dreadful feeling that is only slightly worse than torture. Come’on, get a grip! Seriously, though managing emotions is not always easy.

Restrained Grief

In the Torah reading, we read about a far more serious emotion, grief. Abraham lost his wife and closest collaborator on a mission impossible of promoting belief in one God in a world of idol worship. Abraham cries for Sarah[i]. Yet, there are two strange things about the Hebrew word Livkota, לבכתה to cry for her. One of its letters is in much smaller size than the rest of the word and it is missing the letter Vav. These variations are hint that Abraham as a scholar was restrained in his crying[ii], at least publicly.

Was this a good thing? In this particular case, it is disputed, some opinions praise Abraham for his restraint[iii] while others criticize him for not crying enough to properly honour Sarah[iv]. These opinions teach us that there are times to express our emotions fully and not hold back, but in other situations it is useful to restrain ourselves. It is also not easy to decide when to express emotion and when to hold back. A central idea of Chabad teaching is the concept that the mind rules the heart. Our feelings are “the children” of our thoughts[v]. We are called to think in a disciplined way to guide our feelings, rather than allow our feelings to guide our thoughts.

Grace in Dealing with a Dishonourable Negotiator

With his dead wife still not even buried yet.  Abraham is a model of restraint and grace when he negotiates with the local people for a grave for his wife.  Again we find the theme of missing letters. The seller’s name, Efron עפרון, is spelled without the letter Vav עפרן  , so that it can be read as  Afrn[vi], related to the word for soil as if he was talking with dust in his mouth.  He talked as if he would give the grave away for free[vii], but in the end asked for an outrageous sum of money. 400 huge gold coins that could be used in any country, so it could be passed to any merchant[viii].

Abraham bows repeatedly, he does not show annoyance, or anger, he bows, and he pays without complaint. The opposite of grace, is to begrudge giving anything to another person unless there is absolutely no choice, and then it is given with a grouchy face. Abraham is said to have “a good eye[ix]”, he is generous, and is a class act. There a certainly times in our lives when this is correct approach.   

Assertiveness

In negotiating life’s challenges, there are few rules that apply to every situation. While in some cases it is best to bow and give in without complaining, there are other situations where we must stand our ground. We find the servant of Abraham, Eliezer on a mission to find a wife for his master’s son, even refuses to eat any food before speaking his words[x].  He also refuses to accept any delays to his agenda and insists on getting what he set out to get when he wants it. There are times when this is right, particularly when dealing with the untrustworthy Laban who our tradition calls Laban the swindler.

Trust

In contrast to Laban, Eliezer himself enjoys the absolute trust of his master, who allowed him to rule all that he owned[xi] and even trusted him with organising the marriage of his son. This is particularly impressive when we consider that Eliezer was a Canaanite who Abraham would have thought of as a cursed people[xii] based on the deeds of his ancestor Canaan the son of Ham.  Abraham clearly puts those matters aside and develops absolute trust in his Canaanite slave.

Negotiation about Tasks

One issue that tests the degree to which young men are trusted relates to negotiating tasks and timing, especially those tasks they would like to avoid. Abraham’s Servant Eliezer's negotiated with him about the task of finding a wife for his son Isaac. Abraham wants his servant to bring a foreign wife from his home country and tribe[xiii]”. Again, we have another missing letter in the servant Eliezer’s response to the request. “Oolai”  אוליwhat if she will not want to come? Eliezer asks, but the word is spelled without the letter Vav, so the word can be read as Alai, אלי- to me[xiv]. This interpreted as a hint that Eliezer was hoping that his mission will be a failure, and instead the match with his master’s son will come to him by marrying Eliezer’s own daughter. This demonstrates the need to be aware of our own motives when taking a position or making an argument in a negotiation. Because Eliezer had such a high level of personal integrity which according to this teaching included introspection, he earns the trust of his master. Abraham gives in to Eliezer and modifies the agreement about the task he assigned Eliezer, which further reflects Abraham’s trust in Eliezer and his flexibility with a person he trusts.

Love Built Over time

Isaac, Abraham’s son and the wife found for him by his father’s servant, Rebecca also needed to negotiate their emotions.  In their case the Torah tells us the sequence of events. First it tells us that Isaac brought Rebecca into his tent and married her and only after that does it tell us that loved her[xv].

They did not fall in love. Rebecca fell alright, off the camel she was riding. One explanation for the fall was that she saw him, a tall confident man walking in a field off the beaten path and she thought he was a gangster[xvi]. She fell of the camel in fright! Not exactly love at first sight. But the Torah teaches us that they actively developed their love for each other by the things they did, said and did not say over many years.

So Nachman, you have been blessed to be surrounded by a loving family, friends and community. If you think about the love you feel for your cute little baby brother Tuvia, and handsome brother Levi, you might notice that your love grows through the loving things you do, the imaginative play, or other ways you help both of them.   The choices you make in doing the right thing by all of them and all the people you will have the opportunity to interact with will determine whether you win or lose the main game of negotiating life as a commanded Jewish man.

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[i] Genesis 23:2

[ii] Ner Haskalim manuscript, Pirush R. Y of Vienna, cited in Torah shlaima p. 922,  point 22

[iii] Drashas Even Shuiv, cited in Torah shlaima

[iv] Pirush R. Y of Vienna, cited in Torah shlaima

[v] Tanya

[vi] Genesis 23:16

[vii] Genesis 23:11

[viii] Genesis 23:15-16

[ix] Pirkey Avot 5:19

[x] Genesis 24:33

[xi] Genesis 24:2

[xii] See Rashi to 24:39

[xiii] Genesin 24:3-4

[xiv] Rashi 24:39. Interestingly, although the story is told twice in the Torah (Genesis 24:5 & 24:39), the variation of the spelling only appears in the text when he retells the story after finding Rebecca (24:39) and his conflict of interest is no longer a practical issue. This demonstrates that ulterior motives are very difficult to spot in the moment, but, they could be easier to spot once the situation is no longer practical. (this insight is from Rabbi Mendel of Kotzk)

[xv] Genesis 24:67

[xvi] Chizkuni