Selling Young Daughters into Servitude and Marriage in the Torah

Long after I closed the book the words played on my mind. I read a passage in the Torah about the case of a man who sells his daughter as a child to be a maidservant. When the girl matured, she would be expected to marry her master, marry her master’s son, failing either of these options s

he would go free[i]. This was disturbing enough, but a 13th-century commentary by Rabbi Yitzchak Ben Araama added some colour to this. He wrote that the father could go ahead with such a sale even if it is to a “repulsive man, stricken with leprosy, and the daughter is screaming there is no justice [in the world], there is no Judge[ii]”- an allusion to God, in whom she can no longer believe after what has been done to her.

This disturbing law, and passage really got my attention. So, I did two things, I started to read what I could in my library and what I could find online and I put a call out on Facebook to see if anyone else could shed light on this. Both strategies bore fruit.

We must first ask the question; is this scenario one the Torah condoned or a practice the Torah tolerated but condemned and restricted. It would appear to be the latter.

The Torah stated that if this arrangement did not transition into a fully-fledged marriage – with all the rights of a wife as required by the Torah- then the girl must be set free. She cannot be sold again, after ‘he had betrayed her[iii]’. According to one interpretation, this is referring to the father who betrayed his daughter by selling her in the first place[iv]. While it is jarring to us that the Torah does not forbid the practice outright, it does appear to condemn it.

The Torah does not say anything about requiring consent from the girl – who as a child could not meaningfully consent anyway. However, the written Torah is meant to be read together with the oral tradition to be understood[v]. A friend[vi] on Facebook directed me to the work of Maimonides on Jewish law, which requires the girl’s consent for marriage when she becomes mature[vii]. Another commentator adds that if the father is a “kosher’-proper person the sale should not go ahead in the first place without the daughter’s agreement[viii]. 

Maimonides – based on the Talmud[ix] - also stipulated that a father is only permitted to sell his daughter if he became so poor that he has absolutely nothing, he does not even own the garment he is wearing[x]. The context of this practice is unimaginable poverty in an economic reality that is very different from ours[xi]. It has been argued that in such a context it was merciful for a girl to escape unbearable poverty and become a ‘lady’ in a more affluent home[xii].

All of this needs to be viewed within the larger context of Judaism that contains insistent messages about the obligations of the strong toward the week [xiii].

None of this sits comfortably with me. The idea that the Torah would tolerate such a terrible deed still disturbs me. However, with further study, I recognize that there is more nuance than first meets the eye. I hope that as people with different beliefs and backgrounds meet each other and are confronted with ancient texts we respond with curiosity and not knee-jerk condemnation.

 

Thank you to Rabbis Ben Elton, Chayim Lando, Eli Cohen and Shimon Eddi and many others for your help

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[i] Exodus 21:7-11

[ii] Yitzchak, Ben Arama, - (c. 1420 – 1494) Spain, in Akeidat Yitzchak, on book of Leviticus, gate 67, p.119, it is beyond the scope of this short post but it must be pointed out that this passage in gate 67 is in the context of making a rhetorical point in the context of a discussion of the Rosh Hashana liturgy. Yitzchak, Ben Arama takes a very different approach in Exodus gate 46, when he is focused on this law directly where he emphasises mercy and says nothing or repulsive men and distraught young girls  

[iii] Exodus 21:8

[iv] Rashi on verse 8, BVigdo Bah, based on the Talmud Kiddushin 18b, Seforno

[v] See Aaronson, E,  האם-זה-מוסרי-שאדם-ימכור-את-ביתו-לאמה/ https://www.elami-elatzmi.co.il/האם-זה-מוסרי-שאדם-ימכור-את-ביתו-לאמה/

[vi] Rabbi Shimon Eddi

[vii] Maimonides, Yad Hachazaka, Hilchot Avadim, 4:8

[viii] Seforno on 21:7

[ix] Kiddushin 20a

[x] Maimonides, Yad Hachazaka, Hilchot Avadim, 4:2

[xi] See also Tosafot, Kiddushin 41a, Dibur Hamatchil Asur

[xii] Sefer Hachinuch mitzva 43

[xiii] Exodus 22:22 is just one example, Isaiah 58 is another among many

Darkness is Light and Liberating

I learned a remarkable teaching the other day relating to the dark times in our lives and the plague of darkness in ancient Egypt. “Darkness” - deep discomfort - is necessary for breaking free. Contrary to the idea that religion is the opium of the masses, and that spiritual practice should make us feel good, in the short term, is the simple truth that growth requires some discomfort.

Our lives take on familiar patterns. Comedian Jim Carey struggled with depression, despite his fame and success. Reflecting on his experience, he said,” depression is your body saying it had enough” [he used more colourful language.] ”…I don’t want to be this character anymore. I don’t want to hold up this avatar that you created in the world. It’s too much for me”. His point is that it’s totally pointless to spend our whole lives creating and curating an identity for ourselves. This is all propping up our ego: desiring to be important, to be someone, to ‘matter’[i].

To be free, from a spiritual and emotional perspective, is to realise our potential and be oriented to, and focused on, our purpose rather than our ‘brand’ and others’ perceptions of us[ii]. The Talmudic sages stated, “there is no one who is free, other than one who is occupied with the Torah[iii]”.

From Chasidic/Kabbalist and allegorical perspectives, the ten plagues that were inflicted on the Egyptians at the time of the exodus were powerful forces that contributed to spiritual liberation[iv].

Of all the ten plagues, only one - darkness - was so important that it is predicted to be repeated, for fifteen days, during the final redemption by the Messiah[v]. It struck me as odd; how can darkness be critical for positive transformation?

This can be understood when we consider that circumstances experienced as light and pleasure by one person can be experienced as darkness and a plague by another. Moses initiated the plague of darkness by extending his hands over the heaven[vi]. This represents a flow of spiritual energy down into the land of Egypt. For people who were already tuned into spirituality, this was delightful and ‘light’, however for those who were oriented towards decadence and cruelty, this same situation was alienating and uncomfortable or ’dark‘. In other words, there is no greater hell than the experience of a wicked person put in a spiritual paradise[vii].

My takeout from this is that, in seeking to negotiate my relationship with God and personal growth, perseverance is needed when something doesn’t immediately click and doesn’t feel right. It might be because it is out of my comfort zone rather than because ‘it is not for me’. 

According to tradition, during the plague of darkness, any Jewish people who did not wish to leave Egypt died[viii]. This will also be the case for those in future who will not want to leave the state of exile[ix]. This represents the agony that can be experienced with significant change. Experiences of ‘darkness’ invite us to reflect on the choice between growth and stagnation, and a kind of death. We are forced to ask ourselves ‘are we willing to give up, or do we have the fight in us?’ Is the pain of growth unbearable? The answer must be “I will not die, but live[x]!”

 This theme plays out again when the Israelites encountered bitter water that became sweet when a stick was thrown in[xi]. This story reiterates the same message - the unfamiliar water that initially appeared bitter was revealed as being sweet after a bit of discomfort. Bitter can be the other side of the coin to sweet, as darkness can be to light[xii]. 

It has been said that “breakdown is often breakthrough[xiii]”. The dark times in our lives can be like having “fallen down a ravine, falling into the gap between who you are and who you want to be[xiv]”.

 

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[i] https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/11/jim-carrey-explains-depression-in-the-best-way-ive-ever-heard/

[ii] Lowenthal, T, https://www.chabad.org/parshah/article_cdo/aid/2754/jewish/Freedom-in-Five-Dimensions.htm

[iii] Pirkey Avot 6:2

[iv] The Zohar cited in https://www.chabad.org/parshah/article_cdo/aid/819472/jewish/Fire-and-Ice.htm and Schneerson, Rabbi M.M, in Likutei Sichos vol 1, Vaera

[v] The Zohar, cited in Chida on the Chumash, Shemot, p. 89. Note also Isaiah 60:2

[vi] Exodus 10:21

[vii] Yaakov Yosef of Polnoah, one of the Chasidic masters, in Toldos Yaakov Yosef, parshas Bo, p. 148

[viii] Shmos Rabba, 14:3

[ix] The Zohar, cited in Chida as cited above

[x] Psalms 118:17

[xi] Exodus 16:23-25

[xii] Yaakov Yosef of Polnoah, p. 147

[xiii] Laing, R.D. in Haig, M, (2015), Dear Stranger, Letters on the Subject of Happiness, Penguin Books, p. 34

[xiv] Haig, M, (2015), Dear Stranger, Letters on the Subject of Happiness, Penguin Books, p. 34

 

Embrace the pain

Embrace the pain

I felt quite uncomfortable as I observed a five-year-old girl erupt in frustration and rage when he was rejected by his peers as he tried to join them in an activity. At times, in the quest for scarce means of sustenance, status or companionship, there is plenty of pain to go around. 

One strategy is to escape into fantasy. In my late teens, as a somewhat insecure young man, I was chosen to be a ‘lieutenant general’ in a summer camp ’colour war’ activity.  As part of this role, I was carried on someone’s shoulders dressed in a camouflage army uniform. At the time I thought I looked glorious and once told a friend that I liked “that [inflated] Zalman” better than the real one.

That memory came to me while studying this week’s Torah reading about Pharaoh dreaming of standing on the water of the Nile River[i].  Pharoah dreamed of cows and grain, hinting at catastrophic famine for his nation and people in the region. But first, Pharaoh noticed his own position in the dream: ְbehold he was standing on the Nile River, like a god walking on water. His dream reflected the fact that he made himself into a god who controlled the Nile[ii]. “My Nile is my own; I made it myself[iii]”. While this delusion served Pharaoh’s political interests[iv], it might have also served an emotional need to overcompensate for any insecurities.

This blog post is an argument for not running away from pain, before or after it occurs. In the Torah reading, the Pharoah’s nightmare-induced funk was relieved when a prisoner with a talent for dream interpretation, Joseph, was brought before the king. Joseph had been imprisoned for two years (in the final phase of his jail time), yet it felt like a few days for him. This was because “afflictions are treasured by the righteous”, and these two years [of imprisonment] were [for Joseph] like two days[v]. He saw the problem as something to accept rather than resist.

Joseph’s father was not so accepting of the troubles in his life. He craved tranquility as he ‘settled’ in the land of Canaan[vi]. Not long after Jacob had ’settled’, a terrible event occurred. His favourite son Joseph disappeared. Joseph’s own brothers sold him into slavery then misled their father about what happened. While the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, Jewish tradition suggests that Jacob’s suffering was related to his seeking to be ‘settled into tranquility’ in his life on earth, rather leaving such aspirations for the afterlife in heaven. We are encouraged to feel like foreigners passing through this life, to expect and accept hardships in this foreign place rather than resisting the inevitable disappointments with false hopes of a trouble-free life[vii]. 

One challenging form of pain many people seek to avoid is the shame and guilt that arises from causing harm. For Joseph’s brothers, many years passed and still they failed to confront the cruel robbing of their young brother’s freedom until they found themselves the victims of false imprisonment. This predicament caused the penny to drop. The brothers reflected on what they did to Joseph and proclaimed; “but we are guilty about our brother, that we saw the distress of his soul, when he pleaded with us but we did not listen”[viii].

Joseph’s brothers felt a mixture of shame and guilt about their sin. Yet, the eldest brother Reuben chose not to ease his brothers’ discomfort; instead, he seemed to rub it in. “Did I not tell you, do not sin with the boy, but you did not listen, and also his blood is now demanded of us[ix]”. Reuben gave his brothers a master class in repentance. It is not enough to say ‘sorry’ as a response to being punished. He invited his brothers to make a deep personal commitment to now take responsibility for the choice they made to commit an injustice and sin against an innocent child all those years ago. He urged them to put aside any excuses, and own up to their choice[x].

The rejected five-year-old girl got a ‘sorry’ from the other girls. It did little to change how she felt. Sitting with the harm caused to, and by us is a slow and painful but useful path to healing.

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[i] Genesis 41:1

[ii] R. Bchaye, on Gensis 41:1

[iii] Ezekiel 29:3

[iv] Chemdas Yamim manuscript in Torah Shlaima, p. 1530, tell us more about this. Pharoah was constantly ruminating about the matter of the Nile. He would say to himself, “if the Nile will not rise this year then there will be a great famine, or if he add a lot of water then it might ruin the crops and I told the Egyptians that I made the Nile and now I will be [considered] a liar to them”. He saw his dream in a way that was similar to his ruminations… In the end he recognised that his dream will require him to tell the people that he in in fact not God, and he admitted this to Joseph when he said that after God made all this known to you, he acknowledged that there is a God other than himself. 

[v] Midrash Habiur, a manuscript, cited in Torah Shleima, p. 1529, 8. The midrash is based on the fact that the verse states it was two years – days. If it was two “years”, why does it say “days”?

[vi] Midrash Rabba on Genesis 37:1

[vii] Rabbi Yitzchak Ben Aramaa, in Akedat Yitzchak, Genesis Shaar 30, p. 257

[viii] Genesis 42:21

[ix] Genesis 42:22

[x] Rabbi MM Schneerson, The Lubavitcher Rebbe in Likutei Sichot, Vol 16, Miketz

 

Family Comes Last? Abraham Saving Sodom but Sacrificing his Son

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto, used under CC license:

As a young boy, I waited for what seemed like an eternity, in the vast cavernous ‘770’ Synagogue in Brooklyn after the prayers, longing to just go home. But my father had important communal work to attend to as an emissary of the Lubavitcher Rebbe. Dad had many people he had to talk to, to advance his important Lubavitch outreach work. When I became a dad, I promised myself to prioritize my family over my work. I told myself that, if the price of greatness is neglecting my family, I choose my family. Almost three decades later, when I reflect on that promise, I think that, while I have certainly fallen far short of my ideal, I have at least partially fulfilled my promise. I wonder what the Torah teaches us about this dilemma.

The story of Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son Isaac[i], especially as it follows closely on the heels of his heroic efforts to save the wicked people of Sodom[ii], is jarring. Does it legitimize deprioritizing familial love?! After all, we have the great Abraham pleading for strangers in Sodom, but not for his son, who he is willing to kill?

Let us examine the two cases.

In the case of Sodom, God told Abraham that He planned to destroy the wicked people of that city because the injustices perpetrated by its inhabitants had provoked great cries[iii]. (To be clear, in Jewish sources, the sin of Sodom was not homosexuality, but extreme cruelty to strangers[iv]). Despite the xenophobic cruelty of this community, Abraham pleaded for mercy for them and pestered God, advocating for them six times [v]. Abraham felt compelled to cry out to the heavens to prevent the destruction of human life[vi].  “The great argument between Abraham and God…was a turning point in the history of the spirit. For the first time a human being challenged God Himself on a matter of justice”[vii].

Yet, when God calls Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac[viii], Abraham did not offer one word of protest. His response was eager obedience and acquiescence to the divine will [ix]. It is only God’s redirection at the last minute that Abraham not kill his son, that spared Isaac’s life.

Abraham’s willingness to challenge God for evil strangers but not for his son, seems like the case of the community worker or clergyman who shows endless patience for strangers, but appears to put his family last [x]?

To try to make sense of this, I take a step back and recognize that I am using a very contemporary social lens to interpret a timeless text. As an orthodox Jew in 2022, it is right for me to search for guidance in the Torah for how to live my life now, but I also am bound to consider interpretations of the Torah that have been written over thousands of years. 

In my study of the classic and Chasidic sources, I found the dominant theme to be an emphasis on devotion to God, rather than commentary about degrees of devotion or neglect of one’s family.

Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice Isaac was not a case of prioritizing a mission or cause over a child. Isaac was Abraham’s sole successor in his mission of promoting monotheism; so, if Isaac would have been killed, that would have meant the end of Abraham’s cause rather than its advancement[xi].

Far from some frenzied burst of fanatical religious excitement, Chasidic teachings portray this moment as a dark night of Abraham’s soul, where he lost all inspiration and any high spiritual consciousness, yet his deep devotion to God was so strong that he was prepared to make this painful sacrifice [xii].

There is a Chasidic story that emphasises prioritizing parental care over spiritual experience. Once, in the middle of the night, a child of the Mitteler Rebbe [the second leader of the Chabad Chasidic movement] fell out of bed. Entirely engrossed in his spiritual-mystical studies, he did not hear the child’s cries. However, his father, the Alter Rebbe, heard the cries, closed his Torah books, and went to comfort the child. The Alter Rebbe later said to his son: No matter how deeply immersed you are in holy pursuits, when a child cries you must hear it; you must stop what you’re doing and soothe their pain[xiii]. In one instance, the Lubavitcher Rebbe told one of his emissaries whose child had some difficulties: Your main mission is looking after your child. If you have any time left after that, you can do other things[xiv].

Far from the modern, work- focused dad, whose love for his children is sometimes not evident, Abraham’s love for Isaac was clearly manifest. God’s first sentence to Abraham highlighted this when he referred to Isaac as the child he loved. As the story unfolds there is a tender exchange between son and father. Isaac asks a question of Abraham, addressing him as “my father”.  Abraham replies: ”Here I am, my son.” Then, he again tenderly refers to Isaac as “my son”[xv]. What is being described here is a loving father, with tears flowing from his eyes [xvi], who, despite feeling intense love for Isaac, attempted to do what he believed he must, to obey God.

From a contemporary perspective, Leon Kass argues that, in a sense, we all sacrifice our children. “…All of us fathers, devote (that is ‘sacrifice’) our sons to some ‘god’ or another – to Mammon [money] or Molech [an idol served with child sacrifice]. To honour or money, pleasure or power, or worse, to no god at all.  …we do so willy-nilly, through the things we teach and respect in our own homes; we intend that the entire life of the sons be spent in service to our own ideals or idols…  But a true father will devote his son to – and will self-consciously and knowingly initiate him into - only the righteous and Godly ways………

Finally, Cass points out, “the true founder [of any movement] knows and accepts the fact that his innocent sons will suffer for the sake of the righteous community, and that their ‘sacrifice’ is no proof that they are not properly loved as sons.  On the contrary, the true founder, like the true father, shows his love for his followers when he teaches them, often by example, that one’s life is not worth living if there is nothing worth dying and sacrificing for” [xvii].

In the end, we are indeed called on to ‘be willing’ to prioritize G-d over our loved ones, and this involves some painful trade-offs by parents in which children get significantly less of their parents’ attention, support and material goods they might ideally receive, but in the end, Judaism – or devotion to any cause - should not detract too much from parents’ love and care for their children and families [xviii], just as Abraham does not actually sacrifice his son. Getting the balance right is fraught for fathers, and even more so, for mothers. I believe that awareness of the dilemma is one part of managing its tensions.

 

Notes

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[i] Genesis 22

[ii] Genesis 18:17-32

[iii] Genesis 18:20

[iv] Talmud, Sanhedrin 109b

[v] Genesis 18:23-32

[vi] The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Likutei Sichos vol. 10, p. 58, 5,

[vii] Sacks, J. (2009), Covenant and Conversation, Genesis, Magid Books and the Orthodox Union, p. 103,

[viii] Genesis 22:2

[ix] Genesis 22:3-10

[x] I wondered if this kind of attitude was inferred by some Chasidim from the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s teachings relating to the phrase from כתובות (ט ע"ב that כל היוצא למלחמת בית דוד כותב גט כריתות לאשתו, that all who went out to the wars of the house of David, would write a divorce to their wives which, although it technically has an entirely different meaning, could be understood to mean, in a symbolic sense, that Shlichut requires a prioritization of the mission over attachment to family.  

[xi] The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Likutei Sichot, vol 20, p. 76-77

[xii] Rabbi Mordechai of Lechvitch, and similarly in Chidushei Harim, based on the Arizal and the Zohar, cited In, Reisman, M. Y., שיעורים בסידור התפילה ר' מנשה ישראל רייזמאן שליט"א ע"י הרה"ג שיעור נ"ח - והאלקים נסה את אברהם ניתן לשמוע  www.kolhalashon.com

[xiii] https://www.chabad.org/therebbe/livingtorah/player_cdo/aid/2081439/jewish/Hearing-the-Cry-of-a-Child.htm

[xiv] Told to me by Rabbi Yossi Engel with the name of the Shliach the Rebbe told it to.

[xv] Genesis 22:7-8

[xvi] Rav Avraham Mordechai Alter: Imrei Emet: Sefer Bereshit, cited in White, T, Avraham and the Akeida: The Silent Sacrifice, www.contemplatingtorah.wordpress.com

[xvii] Leon R. Kass, L, R., the beginning of Wisdom p. 348-350 cited in White

[xviii]
An example of the commitment to family is expressed in this talk by the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s.
: ומכיוון שהוא יוצא למלחמת בית דוד – הרי בודאי שהוא מצליח ומנצח כו', וחוזר בשלום לביתו, על דרך מה שכתוב "ויבוא יעקב שלם", "שלם בגופו כו' שלם בממונו כו' שלם בתורתו", באופן של "לכתחילה אריבער", ואז הוא חי עם אשתו, ונולדים להם בנים ובנות עוסקים בתורה ומצוותיה – ביתר שאר וביתר עז, מכיוון שמדובר אודות חיילי בית דוד (משיחות הושענא רבה תשמ"ג ותשמ"ח. התוועדויות תשמ"ג חלק א' עמ' 251-253; תשמ"ח חלק א' עמ' 291-293
 http://www.chabad.org.il/Magazines/Article.asp?ArticleID=7222&CategoryID=1442