On Sunday afternoon, I was standing in my local library, looking Jewish, together with a Jewish child. Two teenage boys walked near us and mumbled a few words they thought would annoy us because we are Jewish and then walked off laughing. The child said to me, I want to go home now. I also felt like going home then. Being an object of ridicule and an object with which to show off to your friend how daring you are, so you can feel a sense of belonging, is unpleasant. The library is one place that makes me feel relaxed, except on that Sunday, when it didn’t.
One might argue that this is a first world problem and I
don’t have permission to be annoyed because other people are suffering more. I
reject that. All harm must be prevented and dealt with.
On Monday, a Muslim man in New York was mocked because of
his concern about his aunt who “stopped taking the subway after September 11
because she did not feel safe in her hijab.” The mocker suggested
that complaining implied that "the real victim of 9/11 was his auntie,
who got some (allegedly) bad looks". This ridicule is not ok. It is
not right to divide people into “the real victims” and “the fake victims”. We
should all feel comfortable on public transport or in a public library, and
anywhere else and expect to be treated as people and individuals, not objects
or stereotypes. This includes Muslim women who have copped this abuse for years!
Also on Monday, two people from the NSW Jewish Board of
Deputies and two of us from Together For Humanity planned a youth forum for high
school students in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney. The aim was to ensure that
everyone can thrive at school, feel safe, supported, valued and known at
school, free from demeaning comments and racism. To get this result, the
students need to think deeply about effective dialogue. The students would be
offered some tips about how to do this.
One tip we will offer is to use the word “and” rather than
“but” when considering conflicting perspectives (1). This can help us see
how multiple perspectives can be true, rather than one cancelling another, while
the word “but” usually implies that only the words after it (“but”) are
valid.
Another tip relates to “violence” and “silence”. These are
two ways in which people respond to the discomfort of some conversations,
according to the authors of Crucial Conversations (2). “Violence” in
this context includes trying to force an opinion on others, or verbal personal
attacks.
“Silence” can include masking one’s true feelings and just
going along because one might feel afraid to say what one really thinks. One problem
with silence is that valid concerns are not raised and important information is
lost, whereas dialogue is defined by the authors as the free flow of meaning
between people which enables new ways of thinking about challenges.
Abraham is known for his commitment to fairness and justice
(3) and being a kind person who was probably not comfortable saying no to his
beloved first wife, Sarah. When Sarah felt disrespected by Hagar - her former
maid, who had become her rival wife of Abraham - Sarah demanded that Hagar be
dealt with harshly (4). Abraham’s response to Sarah was that she could do
whatever she pleased to Hagar. Sarah’s treatment of Hagar resulted in her
running away.
My guess is that Abraham was not ok with this course of
action, but it was easier to agree. Ramban, one of the most respected
commentators on the Torah, wrote that the harsh treatment of Hagar was a sin on
the part of Sarah, as well as Abraham for condoning it (5).
Going back to the youth forum, to encourage students not to
mask their real views, we will invite them to respond the following prompt. “If
I was completely honest, I would say that I am not ok with…” (6). This prompt led
to deeply honest conversations in a Brisbane school a while ago, and we are
hoping for similar results in Sydney.
Another tip is to reflect on what the motives are for a
conversation. We are encouraged to ask ourselves “What do you really want out
of this conversation” (7)? Is the purpose mutual understanding? Pushing a point
of view? Venting?
A woman and her son were approached the other night by a
stranger. “Can I ask you a question?” the stranger asked. Thus began an
insincere pretence at dialogue, that was really about lecturing someone about
the “questioner’s” opinion. I find such behaviour so offensive, and consider it
is a crime against the sacred act of dialogue.
Dialogue, when it goes well, is a beautiful means of
connection and respect between people with diverse perspectives or worldviews. For
Muslims, knowing people from other “tribes and nations” is part of the purpose
of creation (8). It has been a profound privilege for me to be known by Muslims
and people of other traditions as well as to know in return. Yet, sometimes
people with the best of intentions have ulterior motives and the dialogue fails.
It has taken me a while, but finally, I learned that there
are conversations “that I really feel I need to have”, that, in fact, don’t
need to happen. Unlike conversations with people with whom dialogue is likely
to be beneficial and lead to mutual understanding, there are people with whom
conversation is unlikely to be beneficial. The divergent interests are far more
compelling for them than the common good. In such cases it is better to go
separate ways.
Abraham understood this was the case with his nephew, Lot.
Rather than engage in dialogue with the younger man, Abraham said to him “Let
there be no strife between you and me, between my herders and yours… Let us
separate: if you go north, I will go south; and if you go south, I will go
north.” (9) Abraham still cared about the younger man and was there for him
when he needed help (10), but also created space between them. Sometimes, this
is the best course of action.
The session we are planning for the high school students in mid-November
will hopefully be the start of a longer engagement and learning journey that
will enable the fine young people we meet to create cultures of respect and
belonging in their schools.
1) Stone, D., Patton, B, Heen,
S, (of the Harvard Negotiation project), (2023) Difficult Conversations,
Penguin Books
2) Patterson, K., Grenny, J., Switzler,
A., McMillan, R., (2018) in Crucial Conversations, McGraw Hill.
3) Genesis 16:1-6
4) Genesis 18:19 & 25
5)
Ramban, on Genesis 16:6
6)
CHAT, Cultural Hearing and
Telling program, Scripture Union
7)
Patterson et al.
8)
Sura Al Hujurat - The Rooms
(49:13) O humanity! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female, and made
you into peoples and tribes so that you may ˹get to˺ know one another. Surely
the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you.
Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware. — Dr.
Mustafa Khattab, The Clear Quran https://quran.com/49/13
9)
Genesis, 13:8-9
10)
Rashi on Genesis, 13:8-9
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