Love flourishing or turned to hate - The cases of two prince-rapists Amnon & Shechem and the war beauty

I have been thinking about the struggles of couples to realise true love of each other in light of the craving to have their own needs and desires met, and the various pressures each of us deals with. The Torah reading this week mentions hatred of wives seven times (1) as well as some guidance for newlyweds, so it might contain some clues. I also investigate the cases of the Bible's two prince-rapists who claimed to love their victims. 

The first lesson is deceptively simple, although I will argue below that the truth is more complex. Physical desire that inspires feelings of instant “love” (2) might soon be replaced by loathing (3). This message is conveyed by the juxtaposition of two cases in the Torah. The first is about a soldier who sees a “beautiful woman” captive, and craves her, then marries her (4). This case is immediately followed by the case of a man with two wives, one of whom is referred to as “the hated one” (5). The hint is that the former is likely to end up the latter.

The replacement of self centred “love” by hate is tragically illustrated in the story of the princess, Tamar, who was raped by her half brother Amnon. Amnon was so in “love” with Tamar that he felt sick (6). He grabbed her, and despite her impassioned pleas, Amnon overpowered Tamar and raped her (7). However, immediately after the crime, “Amnon hated her with very great hatred, for greater was the hatred with which he hated her than the “love” with which he had “loved” her” (8). Tamar was utterly devastated, tearing her clothes and “screaming as she goes” (9). Amnon’s shift from “love” to hatred is attributed to shame and self-loathing, projected onto the person -“object” - that he used in his self-debasement (10). 

The prudish inference that body-based “love” and sexual desire is bad, but mind-spirit love is good, is disproven in the case of the other biblical prince-rapist (11) Shechem. Shechem is not motivated by animal desire of his body, but a higher attraction in his soul (12) to his victim’s spirit (13). After he raped her, he did not hate her, on the contrary, we are told that he loved her and that he, sickeningly, spoke to “her heart” (14), perhaps expressing his twisted soulful desire in fancy love poems. Shechem’s lack of hatred and self-loathing is an interesting contrast to Amnon’s post rape reaction. In the end, however, what matters is the common lack of consent by their “love interests,” and their shared, utterly selfish disregard of their victims’  will and dignity. In fact, the Midrash puts Tamar’s exact words (15) into Dina’s mouth, she too says “and I, where will I take my shame?” (16). If we are ever caught up in our inner spiritual needs in our relationships, let us remember that spiritual narcissism is contemptible!  

The message of tuning in to one’s partner is conveyed strongly in the law of the exemption from war given to newlywed men who must, instead, spend a year making their wife happy (17). This message is read in three ways. One translator alters the meaning somewhat to replace a man selflessly making his wife happy to say that he should rejoice with his wife (18). It is healthy when joy is mutual and for spouses to be assertive and proactive about meeting their own needs and desires, while also being attentive to their partner. This variation from the plain meaning of the text is emphatically rejected as a “mistake” by another commentator, perhaps seeking to keep the emphasis on the value of focusing on the needs of one’s spouse (19). A third commentary suggests that physical intimacy for 364 nights over that first year is hinted at in the numerical value of the Hebrew word “VSimach” ושמח - to make happy (20). The bottom line is that it is not about how one expresses care and true love of another, but the authenticity of truly loving them, rather than loving only one’s self.    

For the full lesson on this topic click here  

Notes

1. Deuteronomy 21:15, 21:6, 22:13, 22:16, 24:3
2. Alshich - beginning of Ki Tetze, p. 237
3. Rashi to Deuteronomy 21:14, based on Sifre to 21:14 and Talmud Sanhedrin 107a
4. Deuteronomy 21:10-14
5. Deuteronomy 21:15
6. Samuel II, 13:1-2
7. Samuel II, 13:11-14
8. Samuel II, 13:15-17
9. Samuel II, 13:18-20
10. Abarbanel and Malbim’s commentary. 

אברבנל: הפועל המגונה זה דרכו שבהשלמתו יקנה האדם  ממנו חרטה רבה ושנאה גדולה, וכמאמר המדיני הרשעים מלאים חרטות, ולכן אמנון לא עצר כח לראותה עוד בהתחרטו ממה שעשה.
מלבים: וישנאה אחר שהיה תאוה כלביית מיד שנכבה רשף התאוה חלפה האהבה שלא היתה אהבה עצמיית, ואז בהכירו תועבת הנבלה הזאת שב לשנוא את הנושא שעל ידו נסבב לו זאת, וזה שכתוב גדולה השנאה מהאהבה שהאהבה בעצמה סבבה את השנאה שכשזכר תועבת האהבה הזאת, אשר היתה עתה לזרה בעיניו, נהפך לבו בקרבו לשנאה גדולה:

11.           The designation of Shechem as a rapist in Genesis 34:1-11  is less clear than the case of Amnon but is supported by Ramban’s commentary to Genesis 34:2 

12.           Genesis 34:3 & 8

13.           Alshich to Genesis 34, p. 305

14.           Genesis 34:3  

15.           Samuel II, 13:13

16.           Bereshit Rabba to Genesis 34, 80:10 

17.           Deuteronomy 24:5   

18.           Targum Yonatan Ben Uziel  

19.           Rashi to Deuteronomy 24:5 

20.           Baal Haturim, the Gematria of the word ושמח is 364. The night of Yom Kippur is the one exception to this recommended daily expression of love. 

 

Beirut Bereavement - A Torah Discussion

On Sunday night, I dedicated my Torah study session to those who lost their lives in the terrible explosion in Beirut. In this blog post I share some key ideas of that talk, as a small gesture of solidarity. 

When my dear friend Mohamed’s father passed away overseas, I was invited to attend a Koran reading session with members of his community. The practice of reading sacred texts when someone dies is also part of Catholic custom, as I learned last week when the father of a Catholic colleague died. What is it about reading scripture when someone dies?

The following story offers a clue, from a Jewish perspective: 

Rabbi Akiva was walking in a cemetery… He came across a naked man, with skin as dark as coal, who was carrying a huge load of thorn branches on his head. Rabbi Akiva noticed that he was running like a horse. Rabbi Akiva ordered him to stop and asked "How did you  get into this situation of such difficult work? Are you a slave? If so I will buy your freedom…"

The naked man replied: "Please do not detain me, lest my overseers be angry with me. "What's the story here", asked Rabbi Akiva. "I'm actually dead", the man explained, "and every day they send me to cut down trees."

"What was your job when you were alive", Rabbi Akiva asked. "I was a tax collector", the man answered, "and I would favour the wealthy and kill the poor."

Rabbi Akiva then asked him whether there was any way he might be relieved from his punishment. The dead man explained that he could get relief if his son would say a prayer praising God in the community. Rabbi Akiva found his son and taught him to say the prayer and indeed the dead father was released from his torment. (1) 

This story illustrates the concept that the living can provide benefit to the souls of the departed through good deeds or worship. In my community, when someone dies, friends and family will divide up the entire set of 63 books of the Mishnah between them, each studying one book to add to the merits of the departed soul. My study session on Sunday was intended as a similar effort for the benefit of the souls of those who died in Beirut.

In addition to trying to assist the dead, religious texts and ideas also comfort the living by providing a different perspective on death. The Torah forbids excessive displays of mourning, (2) such as pulling chunks of hair out of one’s head when someone dies (3). The constraints on sadness are based on the idea that, while the dead will lose the companionship of their loved ones on earth, they are now with their loving Father in Heaven (4). The bereaved are instructed to think of it as the departed being a child returning home to loving parents (5). The mourners have lost one cherished family member, but grief without restraint would deny the continued existence of a more honored relative, namely God, in Whom they can continue to place their hopes (6). 

Bereavement is a very personal and intense experience. Yet, our sages seem to offer comfort by suggesting that despite the legitimate pain and feelings of loss, death must also be regarded as a good thing, because it comes from God Whose benevolence is beyond our understanding (7). Another perspective is to contrast the experience of a polytheist, who could legitimately feel victimised by a harsh god who killed his relative, with the experience of a monotheist, whose one God is the source of both death and mercy. That being the case, every act of a unified God includes an element of mercy (8).   

I offer these traditions with a recognition that words might fail to be of any use to people confronted with the tragedy unfolding in Beirut. In fact, the laws of comforting mourners advise those seeking to offer comfort to talk less and wait for the mourner to speak first (9). However inadequate these words might be, this is what I have. I offer this in a gesture of solidarity to my Lebanese friends in Australia and in Beirut at this difficult time with my prayers for the living and the dead. 

PS. In addition to prayers and gestures, we must also donate to relief efforts to alleviate the suffering of those rendered homeless and without basic necessities.    

Notes

1) Machzor Vitri, Laws of Shabbos 144, cited in Leon Wiesielter, L. (2000) in Kaddish, Vintage books, New York. Translation is based on https://www.sefaria.org/Machzor_Vitry%2C_Laws_of_Shabbat.144.2-12?lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en with some modifications by the author. 

2) Talmud Moed Kattan 27b.

3) Deuteronomy 14:1. 

4) Ramban on Deuteronomy 14:1. 

5) Ohr Hachayim on Deuteronomy 14:1.

6) Seforno on Deuteronomy 14:1.  

7) Ibn Ezra on Deuteronomy 14:1.

8) Gur Aryeh on Deuteronomy 14:1.

9) Maimonides laws of mourning chapter 13, 1-3, and 9.