Trust - a little caution and a lot of courage

Photo by Timothy Vogel, Creative Commons
License 2.0 Attribution required Non Commercial

The topic was the challenge of broken trust. It was discussed by a group of Jewish school girls, sitting in a circle, with Calisha, a Muslim woman in a hijab who was co-facilitating the session with me.

Trust is earned, they said. When I lose trust in her, it is because of what she did, they asserted. We insisted that this was not the whole story. Trust is not just the result of other people’s choices. Trust is sometimes a choice we make and a gift we give.

We asked the girls if they ever noticed teenagers yelling at their parents, “You don’t trust me!!” It is screamed accusingly, with great emotion, usually anger and indignation. It is as if the teenagers are saying, “How dare you do this terrible thing to me and withdraw your trust in me?”.

Calisha and I are both parents of teenagers. We put it to the teenage girls that the accusation seems ridiculous. Isn’t the reason the parent doesn’t trust the child because the child behaved in an untrustworthy way?! 

The girls reflected on this. One girl suggested that sometimes the child feels that they are more mature now than when they let their parents down last time. Perhaps. At its core, it is because the child wants the parent to not think about what went wrong last time, and the time before, and instead to give the gift of trust this time. It is hard to feel loved and mistrusted at the same time.

I am thinking about this. Each of us has been let down so many times. There is an almost irresistible urge to take charge, take control, and refuse to let anyone hurt us again. I trusted before. I showed goodwill. I hoped. I was disappointed. I will not be hurt again.

To be at peace and in friendship with our peers or others we might need to apply a little caution to protect ourselves, but we must also show a lot of courage.  

C.S. Lewis wrote: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…”. [1]

In the spirit of this quote, told them a story about a magnificent tree in a forest.

The tree was delightful. Its leaves and flowers were the most beautiful colour, and dense. Its shade was cool. Its trunk healthy and radiant.

Mr Wombat, waddled over to the tree, and looked up with deep appreciation and joy. Wombat said to the tree, you are beautiful and I feel such joy just looking at you.

Magnificent Tree said to Mr Wombat. I feel so touched and loved. The tree opened its heart and invited the wombat inside. Wombat was amazed by the beautiful diamonds inside the tree’s heart. Magnificent Tree said to Wombat, please take one diamond home. Wombat reluctantly agreed. As soon as Wombat returned home, he gave the diamond to Mrs. Wombat.

Fox saw Mrs. Wombat’s diamond and was envious. He too went up to Tree and offered gushing compliments, none of which were sincere. Magnificent Tree was naïve and invited Fox inside. Fox did not wait for an invitation to take diamonds, he grabbed diamonds right and left, tearing and breaking Magnificent Tree’s delicate heart. The tree was hurt and furious. Its heart snapped shut, trapping Fox inside.

And from that day on the tree’s leaves were mostly drained of their colours, there were fewer leaves, the trunk lost its shine and the tree smelled vaguely awful. A really skilled nose would pick up the scent of dead fox. Like CW Lewis’s heart in a coffin, refusing to trust and love hurts us badly.

As believers, we are invited to trust God. Despite natural disasters and human ones, God did not stop. We are still called to believe in his infinite kindness. This is not easy.

Trust and faith are practices, not static states. Our behaviours build our faith and trust or allow them to wither and die.

Every seventh year the Israelites would not plant or harvest [2], pausing their “hustle” to make a statement of trust in God. “You might ask what will we eat [3]?” God says trust me. Many Jews trusted God and downed tools for the Sabbatical year, some do so to this day, but some did not trust or stop farming.

The fury of God’s disappointment in the failure to observe the Sabbatical year is intense. “I will make the land desolate so that your enemies who settle in it shall be appalled by it…And you, I will scatter among the nations, and I will unsheath the sword against you…Then shall the land make up for its sabbath years throughout the time that it is desolate and you are in the land of your enemies; then shall the land …observe the rest that it did not observe in your sabbath years [4].

Failure to give God the gift of trust leads people in a hustling [5] mode, or a controlling mode of being, working the land hard, refusing to take time out for spiritual reflection [6], and being unwilling to “let go and let God”.

This is hard work and I hope we all respond with compassion to anyone struggling to trust after heartbreak. It is cruel to judge people for failing to do this hard work. On the other hand, the consequences of not letting go and trusting again are devastating.

A few minutes before the session ended with the girls, Calisha and I gave them one last gift of trust. The game, Pattern-Ball, can become rowdy and silly but we chose to trust them that they would do it sensibly, even though some of them were unsettled after over an hour of learning with us. One girl reminded us that we “do not want to smell like a dead fox”. There was no way to know if the trust in the girls would be vindicated. It was.   

 

Notes

[1] C.S. Lewis - The Four Loves https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/3058-to-love-at-all-is-to-be-vulnerable-love-anything

[2] Leviticus 25

[3] Leviticus 25:20

[4] Leviticus 26:32-35

[5] Brown, Brene, Rising strong

[6] Seforno

Fear and Calm - Ekev Reay

Image used under Creative Commons License Attribution 2.0, Image by
 Ralf Steinberger

On the 26th of July I posted about having felt afraid at an important meeting, and talking too much because I felt anxious (1). This week I met with some of the same people, about the same issues, but I was quite calm and tuned in to the people I was meeting with. In this blog I explore my experience with fear and some of Torah’s wisdom on the topic.

After the meeting, I reflected on the difference between the two meetings I had. In the first I was quite high-energy and my thinking and talking was fast paced, and, on reflection, I was driven by an unprocessed fear of failure, to get the results I was hoping for. In the second meeting, however, my pace and energy level were moderate, or even subdued, and I was completely present to what the people I was meeting with thought, wanted and needed.

One factor that was different was mindfulness. At the second meeting I was aware of my various thoughts and motivations. Another factor was awareness of some Torah wisdom. The Torah calls us to do both what is proper, from the perspective of people, and what is good, from the perspective of God (2). The wording here is precise: while humans are capable of determining proper conduct, by ensuring we follow upright processes (3 ) and contribute the initial inputs to those in an ethical way; only the prescient God knows what outcomes will truly turn out to be truly “good” (4). This lowers the stakes. I don’t need to try to force an outcome. The outcomes are truly out of my hands and, therefore, are not my responsibility.

Another teaching that helped me relax, was the idea that I learned yesterday that if one can put aside selfish motives, then one can be confident of being guided to the right choices (5). So I need to focus on being altruistic in my motives and intentions, and leave the outcomes to God I combine these teachings with the secular idea of working “with” people; rather than trying to bend people to one’s will, which is incompatible with productive collaboration. Thus, I can choose to trust people, who have their own choices to make and their own wisdom in making those decisions; and I need not feel responsible to push for a particular outcome or conclusion.

Another strategy, is to initially embrace the fear, rather than run from it. Once I have accepted that I feel the feelings that I do, I can then open myself to support from others. Moses tells the Israelites in the desert that, ‘if they feel daunted by the challenge of conquering people, who [they estimate to be] more numerous and stronger than themselves, they should not be afraid because God will help them’ (6). Commentary makes the point that it is precisely when you acknowledge your fear and vulnerability, that you can trust God will help you and in this way you're able to put aside your fear. However, if one suffers from hubris and is overconfident, then he should not expect divine assistance, and had better be afraid (7).

Notes

1)     http://torahforsociallyawarehasid.blogspot.com/2019/07/violence-and-resilience-of-aggrieved.html

2)     Deuteronomy 12:28, as interpreted by Rabbi Akiva in Sifre ad loc.

3)     Gur Aryeh on Deuteronomy 12:28.

4)     Torah Temima on Deuteronomy 12:28, note 113.

5)     I could not recall the source at the time of writing.

6)     Deuteronomy, 7:17-18.

7)     Chida, in Torat Hachida, Ekev, 25 & 26, pages 76-77.

Bigger than that! Jacob mode vs interfaith embrace and the inner Jihad of Yisrael

An edited version of my speech at the Together For Humanity Interfaith dinner, 30 Nov 2014. 

Jacob, the grandson of Abraham, was afraid of his own brother Esau (1). It is the same today: Australians fear their fellow Australians. 

Jacob offered a heartfelt prayer, “Save me, please, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau, for I fear him, lest he come and strike me, (and my family too) a mother and children”.

The dreaded moment arrived. Jacob met his brother Esau, who, because of an event in another time and another place, hated him.  Jacob bowed respectfully to his brother seven times (2).

“Esau ran toward him and embraced him, and he fell on his neck and kissed him, and they cried”.  We, Australians, need to meet our fellow Australian brothers and sisters respectfully to address the fear and embrace one another.

Before Jacob was to meet his brother, there was some internal work he needed to do, late at night, when he was “alone” (3). This is illustrated in an encounter he had with a “man”, who is said to be the guardian angel of his brother Esau (4). Jacob intended to run away from the encounter with his brother, but the angel was sent to prevent this. Jacob needed to show up and see that he would not be harmed (5).  With his escape cut off, Jacob wrestled with the angel. He asked his brother’s guardian angel to agree with his side of the argument (6). “Bless me,” (7) he pleaded, as if to say ‘tell me that I am right and my brother is wrong’.

The angel asked Jacob, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he replied.
The angel declared, “No more will your name be said as Jacob!” (8) The name Jacob means the one who holds others back, who plays a petty game, trying to prove that his/her group “are really the good ones”. “No!” the angel insisted, as if to say ‘it is time for you to embrace a bigger vision about who you are. Your new name, your new identity, is now Yisrael, the one who strives with God, who succeeds in an inner struggle/jihad in matters of the spirit and with men. You have a great purpose as the father of the Bnai Yisrael, (Banei Yisrael), to spread belief in God and promote righteousness.

Greg Barton, an Anglican Professor and expert on radicalisation, told me recently that, as he reads the story, Jacob had a cognitive opening. His thinking expanded. This is exactly what Australians of many backgrounds need. We need our thinking expanded. We need to be bigger - not allow our fears or the failings of some to define us or one another. We need to get to know the other as the other truly is and can potentially be, by stretching out a hand of friendship and showing respect. This has been the work of Together For Humanity, with over 75,000 children across Australia, many of whom had never met a Muslim or a Jew before. These children have participated in Together For Humanity programs facilitated by a Christian, a Muslim, a Jew and sometimes others.

Of course, there are reasons for hate, fear or avoiding embracing each other. Things have happened, thousands of miles from here that are unjust. There are legitimate concerns for many of us. It is not racist to say so. Things also happen in Australia that worry us - words spoken and prejudice. People wonder and worry about what people “here” think about what is happening “there”. Do they condemn it? Do they agree with it? How strong is the commitment to coexistence “on the other side”? Are they sincere?

Mistrust has deep roots. Esau’s embrace, kiss and weeping with Jacob have also been questioned. Some commentary suggests that Esau intended to bite Jacob’s neck (9). Esau is portrayed as telling himself, “I will not kill Jacob, my brother, with arrows and a bow, but I will kill him with my mouth and suck his blood!” (10). However there are other traditions that teach that, in that moment, Esau kissed Jacob sincerely “with his whole heart” (11).

The debate rages on in the Torah. The next verse tells us that “Esau lifted up his eyes, saw the women and the children and asked who they were” (12). The words “he saw the women” are interpreted to have sexual connotations - “Cursed are the wicked, that even during a time of trouble, their (evil) desires rules them” (13). Commentary ascribes this kind of thinking to Jacob as well. His daughter, Dina, is completely absent from the narrative. Even when it explicitly lists Jacob's wives and his eleven sons (14), there is no mention of his daughter, Dina. According to the Midrash (commentary), “Jacob put Dina in a box and locked it”, to protect her from Esau. However, this fear is met with divine disapproval and given as a “reason” for Dina’s eventually ending up in a “forbidden marriage” (15) with Shchem, the local prince, who abducted and abused her (16).  The ambivalence lingers on, thousands of years later.

What I take from all of this, are three lessons: 1) Conflict transformation is possible. 2) It is not easy to overcome fear and suspicion. 3) There are often ambiguities and judgement calls, such as, ‘do we ignore the elephant in the room, Israel/Palestine, for example?’ ‘do we feed it and allow the problems half a world away to take over and destroy the bridges we have so carefully built here?’  

At the dinner, Sheikh Ahmed Abdo suggested that “it is time that we stopped building bridges and started walking across the bridges we have already built”. Together For Humanity in its thirteenth years is attempting to walk across these bridges. Our vision is to ensure that every child and every teacher experiences an opening of their mind and expanding of their spirit, so that no-one needs to be afraid, no-one will choose to hate any group and we all have a sense of belonging together.

וַיָּרָץ עֵשָׂו לִקְרָאתוֹ וַיְחַבְּקֵהוּ וַיִּפֹּל עַל צַוָּארָיו וַֹיִֹשָֹׁקֵֹהֹוֹּ וַיִּבְכּוּ

“Esau ran toward him and embraced him, and he fell on his neck and kissed him, and they cried”. We Australians need to meet our fellow Australians, our neighbours, our brothers and sisters, respectfully, to address the fear, and to embrace one another!

Notes:

1) Genesis 32:8
2) Genesis 33:3
3) Genesis 32:25
4) Beresheet Rabba 77
5) Rashbam on 32:23 & 25, Chizkuni on 32:25, this is similar to an angel being sent to stop Balaam on his journey to curse the Israelites which was also contrary to God’s will.
6) Rashi to Genesis 32:27, also in Midrash Aggada and Zohar part 1, 144 cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 1 p. 1284, footnote 136
7) Genesis 32:27
8) Genesis 32:28-29
9) Beresheet Rabba 78
10) Avot Drabbi Nathan, cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 1 p. 1302, footnote 16
11) Rabbi Shimon Ben Elazar in Beresheet Rabba 78
12) Genesis 33:5
13) Midrash Habiur from an ancient manuscript, cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 1 p. 1302, 18
14) Genesis 32:23
15) Beresheet Rabba 76
16) Genesis 34

Choosing to Trust in God and Interfaith

Image by Phauly, Creative Commons License,
some rights reserved
http://www.flickr.com/photos/phauly/

There is a myth about trust that it is just the natural consequence of a series of events that prove that someone is trustworthy. I think trust is about making a choice to trust someone or a group, it is given not just earned.  In our teachings about our relationship with God, this approach plays out and I think it has application to interfaith relationships as well.

One of the great challenges of our time is the relationship between Muslims and Non-Muslims and more broadly between people who have strong differences of belief. This is largely driven by generalising  specific issues  relating to some people, attitudes or events,  with the groups as a whole, as has been well articulated by Walid Aly[i].

Trust as a choice

One key idea is that trust is demanded, withholding is insulting. I always think of the teenager who screams at his mother, YOU DON’T TRUST ME, before slamming the door. I wondered about that. Why is that an accusation? If your mother doesn’t trust you doesn’t that mean that you have failed to earn her trust?! Clearly that’s not how it works. We can see that when a desperate parent will suddenly trust a child who recently got their driver’s license more if they urgently need him/her to run an errand such as pick up something from the shops before the guests arrive. 

The challenge of trust

Personal experiences and news stories from around the world and those horrible hate filled e-mails give plenty of reasons not to put my trust in my Muslim neighbour. A blood soaked history of Christian persecution of Jews as well as significant competition of ideas stand in the way of trusting my Christian neighbour.

Christianity grew out of Judaism and it is fair to say that some Christians would see their path as having superseded Pharisaic?  Judaism. Yet, I am a proud Pharisee Jew, explicitly so at least once a week, when almost every Sabbath I eat a hot Pharisee food called Tchulent to declare my agreement with the Pharisees in an intra-faith dispute from the time of Jesus. There was a view put that on the Sabbath we must eat cold food because of the prohibition against lighting a fire, but the Pharisees insisted that fire can be lit before the Sabbath and the food left on the fire. Yet this is the world of Rabbinic Judaism that Christianity rejected. As a Tchulent eater, am I supposed to pretend that we are all on the same page?

Enemies

In Jewish tradition there is some quite harsh things written about enemies. This Saturday we will read how in the aftermath of an attack by Amalek following the Exodus from Egypt God commands Moses to write it down as a remembrance, put it into the handover file in the ears of Joshua, that God will erase the memory of Amalek from under the heavens…a divine war against Amalek for generations[ii], until the time of the Messiah[iii].

This Sunday I will be speaking at an Anabaptist conference in response to some pretty provocative ideas on the theme of peace building Of course my audience on Sunday believes that the Messiah has already come, and the time for hating enemies has past. Can I trust them to respect me despite my belief that the Messiah is not here yet? Can the people who have been taught one must love their enemies and those who have been merely taught to love their friends, really trust and respect each other?

Leap of Faith  

I think faith in interfaith can draw some inspiration from the way tradition teach us about faith in God. In our reading this week, the Israelites are both praised for their willingness to take a leap of faith “your following Me in the desert, in a land not sown[iv]” and found wanting because of the weakness of their faith. God does not take them the direct route to the Promised Land because God thinks they might change their mind when they see war with the Canaanites and will simply return to Egypt[v]. This is the same God who decreed that they would be enslaved for generations in Egypt and has only now freed them. This is also the same God many Israelites were disappointed in when things got worse before they got better when Moses first approached Pharaoh. Surely God needs to build some trust first. Apparently not.

God gets more demanding. When the Israelites find themselves with the sea in front of them and the Egyptians behind them some cry out to God[vi], others[vii] believing they are facing imminent death, they lash out at Moses. Moses quickly tries to reassure the people then begins praying himself. God is not interested in prayers. He tells Moses “why do you cry to me? speak to the Israelites and they should travel![viii]” But travel to where? Walk into the sea? The answer is yes. They were expected to show absolute trust in God and simply walk into the sea with confidence that it will turn out ok. Commentary suggests that it is only through this act of faith that they will earn the miracle of the sea splitting[ix]. We are taught that in fact one man named Nachshon does exactly that. He jumps into the sea and that is when it splits.

Jumping in to Interfaith with my inspiring friends

Interfaith needs an element of Nachshon. All the arguments and differences both significant and trivial can be managed. What is required is good faith and a willingness to choose trust. For me this is not always easy, but it is easier than for most. This is because of my friendship with some amazingly inspiring people of sincere good will. I won’t mention all, but I am looking forward to catching up with some of them on Sunday.

---

[i] Aly, W. (2007). People Like Us. How Arrogance is Dividing Islam and the West. Melbourne: Picador-Pan Macmillan

[ii] Exodus 17:14-16

[iii] Targum Yonatan ben Uziel

[iv] Jeremiah 2:2

[v] Exodus 13:17

[vi] Exodus 14:10-12

[vii] Ramban points out that there were two groups

[viii] Exodus 14:15

[ix] Ohr Hachayim

A Sermon for my Son, Negotiation of Emotions, Tasks and Relationships

Yesterday my son Nachman celebrated his Bar Mitzvah by being called to the Torah and reading from it. This is an edited version of the Sermon I delivered.

Nachman is still within the first week of being a commanded Jewish man, this is a special time. I remember my own Bar Mitzvah. It was a holy, almost magical moment, when I was acutely aware that everything I did mattered.

Doing Right

I cared a lot then, about doing the right thing then, I still do. This is something I learned from my parents, not from their words but from their example and I hope I can pass on to you. The idea that what matters most is not just to be happy but to do what is right.

Skilled Debater and Negotiator

Nachman, one of your many qualities is your ability to argue a point, whether in the Talmud or in day to day negotiations or debates. It is fitting that the Torah reading this week includes various negotiations. The affirmative argument I propose is that negotiation needs to be conducted in an assertive but gracious and principled, manner, even if you think the other party might not deserve it. In Hebrew this is called, Chein, in English it is called Grace. This sometimes includes searching our own hearts about our motives.  Nachman will need to negotiate at least three important matters as a commanded Jewish man. These include; emotions, tasks and relationships.

Missing/Shrunken Letters

In debating, one strategy is to make it easy for people to follow the arguments. In this talk there is a common thread in that many of my arguments will draw on hints in the Torah text, missing letters or even a shrunken letter in some words. These variations reduce the force of the particular word.

Negotiating Emotion

As you travel on life’s journey you will have many feelings. These will include feeling like taking a break when the task is particularly challenging or boring. Boredom for the 21^st century adolescent is of course a dreadful feeling that is only slightly worse than torture. Come’on, get a grip! Seriously, though managing emotions is not always easy.

Restrained Grief

In the Torah reading, we read about a far more serious emotion, grief. Abraham lost his wife and closest collaborator on a mission impossible of promoting belief in one God in a world of idol worship. Abraham cries for Sarah[i]. Yet, there are two strange things about the Hebrew word Livkota, לבכתה to cry for her. One of its letters is in much smaller size than the rest of the word and it is missing the letter Vav. These variations are hint that Abraham as a scholar was restrained in his crying[ii], at least publicly.

Was this a good thing? In this particular case, it is disputed, some opinions praise Abraham for his restraint[iii] while others criticize him for not crying enough to properly honour Sarah[iv]. These opinions teach us that there are times to express our emotions fully and not hold back, but in other situations it is useful to restrain ourselves. It is also not easy to decide when to express emotion and when to hold back. A central idea of Chabad teaching is the concept that the mind rules the heart. Our feelings are “the children” of our thoughts[v]. We are called to think in a disciplined way to guide our feelings, rather than allow our feelings to guide our thoughts.

Grace in Dealing with a Dishonourable Negotiator

With his dead wife still not even buried yet.  Abraham is a model of restraint and grace when he negotiates with the local people for a grave for his wife.  Again we find the theme of missing letters. The seller’s name, Efron עפרון, is spelled without the letter Vav עפרן  , so that it can be read as  Afrn[vi], related to the word for soil as if he was talking with dust in his mouth.  He talked as if he would give the grave away for free[vii], but in the end asked for an outrageous sum of money. 400 huge gold coins that could be used in any country, so it could be passed to any merchant[viii].

Abraham bows repeatedly, he does not show annoyance, or anger, he bows, and he pays without complaint. The opposite of grace, is to begrudge giving anything to another person unless there is absolutely no choice, and then it is given with a grouchy face. Abraham is said to have “a good eye[ix]”, he is generous, and is a class act. There a certainly times in our lives when this is correct approach.   

Assertiveness

In negotiating life’s challenges, there are few rules that apply to every situation. While in some cases it is best to bow and give in without complaining, there are other situations where we must stand our ground. We find the servant of Abraham, Eliezer on a mission to find a wife for his master’s son, even refuses to eat any food before speaking his words[x].  He also refuses to accept any delays to his agenda and insists on getting what he set out to get when he wants it. There are times when this is right, particularly when dealing with the untrustworthy Laban who our tradition calls Laban the swindler.

Trust

In contrast to Laban, Eliezer himself enjoys the absolute trust of his master, who allowed him to rule all that he owned[xi] and even trusted him with organising the marriage of his son. This is particularly impressive when we consider that Eliezer was a Canaanite who Abraham would have thought of as a cursed people[xii] based on the deeds of his ancestor Canaan the son of Ham.  Abraham clearly puts those matters aside and develops absolute trust in his Canaanite slave.

Negotiation about Tasks

One issue that tests the degree to which young men are trusted relates to negotiating tasks and timing, especially those tasks they would like to avoid. Abraham’s Servant Eliezer's negotiated with him about the task of finding a wife for his son Isaac. Abraham wants his servant to bring a foreign wife from his home country and tribe[xiii]”. Again, we have another missing letter in the servant Eliezer’s response to the request. “Oolai”  אוליwhat if she will not want to come? Eliezer asks, but the word is spelled without the letter Vav, so the word can be read as Alai, אלי- to me[xiv]. This interpreted as a hint that Eliezer was hoping that his mission will be a failure, and instead the match with his master’s son will come to him by marrying Eliezer’s own daughter. This demonstrates the need to be aware of our own motives when taking a position or making an argument in a negotiation. Because Eliezer had such a high level of personal integrity which according to this teaching included introspection, he earns the trust of his master. Abraham gives in to Eliezer and modifies the agreement about the task he assigned Eliezer, which further reflects Abraham’s trust in Eliezer and his flexibility with a person he trusts.

Love Built Over time

Isaac, Abraham’s son and the wife found for him by his father’s servant, Rebecca also needed to negotiate their emotions.  In their case the Torah tells us the sequence of events. First it tells us that Isaac brought Rebecca into his tent and married her and only after that does it tell us that loved her[xv].

They did not fall in love. Rebecca fell alright, off the camel she was riding. One explanation for the fall was that she saw him, a tall confident man walking in a field off the beaten path and she thought he was a gangster[xvi]. She fell of the camel in fright! Not exactly love at first sight. But the Torah teaches us that they actively developed their love for each other by the things they did, said and did not say over many years.

So Nachman, you have been blessed to be surrounded by a loving family, friends and community. If you think about the love you feel for your cute little baby brother Tuvia, and handsome brother Levi, you might notice that your love grows through the loving things you do, the imaginative play, or other ways you help both of them.   The choices you make in doing the right thing by all of them and all the people you will have the opportunity to interact with will determine whether you win or lose the main game of negotiating life as a commanded Jewish man.

---

[i] Genesis 23:2

[ii] Ner Haskalim manuscript, Pirush R. Y of Vienna, cited in Torah shlaima p. 922,  point 22

[iii] Drashas Even Shuiv, cited in Torah shlaima

[iv] Pirush R. Y of Vienna, cited in Torah shlaima

[v] Tanya

[vi] Genesis 23:16

[vii] Genesis 23:11

[viii] Genesis 23:15-16

[ix] Pirkey Avot 5:19

[x] Genesis 24:33

[xi] Genesis 24:2

[xii] See Rashi to 24:39

[xiii] Genesin 24:3-4

[xiv] Rashi 24:39. Interestingly, although the story is told twice in the Torah (Genesis 24:5 & 24:39), the variation of the spelling only appears in the text when he retells the story after finding Rebecca (24:39) and his conflict of interest is no longer a practical issue. This demonstrates that ulterior motives are very difficult to spot in the moment, but, they could be easier to spot once the situation is no longer practical. (this insight is from Rabbi Mendel of Kotzk)

[xv] Genesis 24:67

[xvi] Chizkuni