Embrace the pain

Embrace the pain

I felt quite uncomfortable as I observed a five-year-old girl erupt in frustration and rage when he was rejected by his peers as he tried to join them in an activity. At times, in the quest for scarce means of sustenance, status or companionship, there is plenty of pain to go around. 

One strategy is to escape into fantasy. In my late teens, as a somewhat insecure young man, I was chosen to be a ‘lieutenant general’ in a summer camp ’colour war’ activity.  As part of this role, I was carried on someone’s shoulders dressed in a camouflage army uniform. At the time I thought I looked glorious and once told a friend that I liked “that [inflated] Zalman” better than the real one.

That memory came to me while studying this week’s Torah reading about Pharaoh dreaming of standing on the water of the Nile River[i].  Pharoah dreamed of cows and grain, hinting at catastrophic famine for his nation and people in the region. But first, Pharaoh noticed his own position in the dream: ְbehold he was standing on the Nile River, like a god walking on water. His dream reflected the fact that he made himself into a god who controlled the Nile[ii]. “My Nile is my own; I made it myself[iii]”. While this delusion served Pharaoh’s political interests[iv], it might have also served an emotional need to overcompensate for any insecurities.

This blog post is an argument for not running away from pain, before or after it occurs. In the Torah reading, the Pharoah’s nightmare-induced funk was relieved when a prisoner with a talent for dream interpretation, Joseph, was brought before the king. Joseph had been imprisoned for two years (in the final phase of his jail time), yet it felt like a few days for him. This was because “afflictions are treasured by the righteous”, and these two years [of imprisonment] were [for Joseph] like two days[v]. He saw the problem as something to accept rather than resist.

Joseph’s father was not so accepting of the troubles in his life. He craved tranquility as he ‘settled’ in the land of Canaan[vi]. Not long after Jacob had ’settled’, a terrible event occurred. His favourite son Joseph disappeared. Joseph’s own brothers sold him into slavery then misled their father about what happened. While the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, Jewish tradition suggests that Jacob’s suffering was related to his seeking to be ‘settled into tranquility’ in his life on earth, rather leaving such aspirations for the afterlife in heaven. We are encouraged to feel like foreigners passing through this life, to expect and accept hardships in this foreign place rather than resisting the inevitable disappointments with false hopes of a trouble-free life[vii]. 

One challenging form of pain many people seek to avoid is the shame and guilt that arises from causing harm. For Joseph’s brothers, many years passed and still they failed to confront the cruel robbing of their young brother’s freedom until they found themselves the victims of false imprisonment. This predicament caused the penny to drop. The brothers reflected on what they did to Joseph and proclaimed; “but we are guilty about our brother, that we saw the distress of his soul, when he pleaded with us but we did not listen”[viii].

Joseph’s brothers felt a mixture of shame and guilt about their sin. Yet, the eldest brother Reuben chose not to ease his brothers’ discomfort; instead, he seemed to rub it in. “Did I not tell you, do not sin with the boy, but you did not listen, and also his blood is now demanded of us[ix]”. Reuben gave his brothers a master class in repentance. It is not enough to say ‘sorry’ as a response to being punished. He invited his brothers to make a deep personal commitment to now take responsibility for the choice they made to commit an injustice and sin against an innocent child all those years ago. He urged them to put aside any excuses, and own up to their choice[x].

The rejected five-year-old girl got a ‘sorry’ from the other girls. It did little to change how she felt. Sitting with the harm caused to, and by us is a slow and painful but useful path to healing.

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[i] Genesis 41:1

[ii] R. Bchaye, on Gensis 41:1

[iii] Ezekiel 29:3

[iv] Chemdas Yamim manuscript in Torah Shlaima, p. 1530, tell us more about this. Pharoah was constantly ruminating about the matter of the Nile. He would say to himself, “if the Nile will not rise this year then there will be a great famine, or if he add a lot of water then it might ruin the crops and I told the Egyptians that I made the Nile and now I will be [considered] a liar to them”. He saw his dream in a way that was similar to his ruminations… In the end he recognised that his dream will require him to tell the people that he in in fact not God, and he admitted this to Joseph when he said that after God made all this known to you, he acknowledged that there is a God other than himself. 

[v] Midrash Habiur, a manuscript, cited in Torah Shleima, p. 1529, 8. The midrash is based on the fact that the verse states it was two years – days. If it was two “years”, why does it say “days”?

[vi] Midrash Rabba on Genesis 37:1

[vii] Rabbi Yitzchak Ben Aramaa, in Akedat Yitzchak, Genesis Shaar 30, p. 257

[viii] Genesis 42:21

[ix] Genesis 42:22

[x] Rabbi MM Schneerson, The Lubavitcher Rebbe in Likutei Sichot, Vol 16, Miketz

 

Guilt, Pride, Rats and thoughts for my friend the next premier of NSW

While the state of NSW prepares for an election where the next premier will be certainly be an Irish Catholic[i] "friend" of mine, Jews continue to read about sacrifices in the yearly Torah reading cycle. Among the varied purposes of sacrifices, one is to make sinners more aware of the seriousness of their sin, particularly accidental sins[ii]. In a society that sees guilt as a very bad thing, this post seeks to explore what guidance Torah offers on this issue for all of us and particularly political leaders.

The case against wallowing in guilt can be based on it's consequences. If people sees themselves as wicked they will either feel depressed and be prevented from serving God with joy, or if they remain cheerful in spite despite their perceived wickedness they will come to callousness[iii]. While some would think that religion wants people to be miserable, Hasidim say that feeling depressed is not a sin, but it can be more damaging than any sin. R. Shneur Zalman likens the spiritual struggle of life to a wrestling match. If one of the fighters is sluggish and miserable, he will easily be overpowered by his opponent. He argues that one must seek ideas to rid oneself of sadness relating to shortcomings in spiritual matters, except in certain set times[iv].  

On the other side of this argument, we learn that regret about past misdeeds is critical to addressing   them and personal redemption. One difference between a completely wicked person and a “Wicked person with some good[v]” is that (some of)  “the wicked are filled with regrets”. King David speaks movingly about his regret about the incident with Bat-Sheba when he says “my sin is always before me[vi]”.

Two of the types of sacrifices offered in the temple related to sin, the Chatat and Asham. The Zohar talks about the verse “the sacrifices of God, are the broken spirit[vii]”.  “I heard from the holy luminary, that when a person comes to be defiled in his sins he brings the spirit of impurity upon himself…when the temple stood, a person brought a sacrifice and his atonement was left hanging until he becomes regretful and breaks the spirit from the spirit of impurity. If the spirit of impurity is not broken the sacrifice is nothing and it is given away to the dogs[viii]”.

It can be argued that personal failings might be an asset to a leader, perhaps helping her/him understand the challenges of the people they seek to lead[ix]. The Talmud seems to be suggesting just that when it asks “Why did the Kingdom of the house of Saul the son of Kish, not continue? Because he had no “taint” or reproach[x]”. This is contrasted with David who had some type of skeleton in his closet. The Talmud asserts that we do not appoint an administrator of the community  unless he has a box of rodents hanging on his back[xi]”.This is so that if he became arrogant he can be told to turn around.

The theme of humility seems to compete with messages of Kings or leaders asserting themselves.  We have the commandment that a King must write a Torah scroll for himself so that his heart is not elevated above his brothers. On the other hand, we are taught “every scholar who does not take revenge and holds grudges like a snake is not a scholar”[xii]. This surprising teaching is challenged by the commandment “do not take revenge and do not hold a grudge[xiii]”. And the teaching that “those who are embarrassed but don't embarrass others and do not reply, acts out of love and rejoice in suffering, it is about them that the verse states “those he loves like when the sun comes out in it's strength[xiv]”the conclusion is that depends on whether the scholar is appeased, and if the offender asked for forgiveness[xv]. This offers an interesting mix of advice to our leaders, with some thoughts our next premier might want to consider.

Cynics might question the sincerity of the politicians’ friendship I referred to. After all, we are taught, “Be careful with the ruling authorities, as they don't bring a person close except for their own purpose, they seem like loving friends at the time when it is for their benefit, but do not stand by a man in his time of pressure[xvi]”. I trust that be it Barry or Kristina, they will defy the trend to the best of their ability. My prayers are with them to navigate the challenges of the coming days and weeks.

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[i] Observation by NSW Premier Kristina Keneally at St. Patricks day celebration that with two candidates one named Keneally and the other O'Farrel the winner of the election will be Irish. I have had several friendly conversations with the present premier and the opposition leader and consider them friends in the broad sense of the word.

[ii] Rema, Torat HaOla, chapter 1, cited in Torah Shlaima, volume 25, p265, ”that a person should be careful to avoid accidental sins, because he will see that he will be punished with his money because of his accidental sin, because also one who sins accidentally is called a sinner because a person is always a Muad (completely responsible, as opposed to the owner of a goring ox, whose ox is declared a “Tam”, and must only pay ½ the cost of damages caused the first three times before it's problematic nature is established).

[iii] Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, Tanya chapter 1

[iv] Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, Tanya chapter 26

[v] As reflected in the concept of Rashah Vra Lo, vs Rasha Vtov Lo.

[vi]  Psalm 51

[vii]  Psalm 51

[viii]  Zohar Pinchas 203, in Torah Shlaima vol.25, p 275

[ix] R. Itamar B. Yisroel, Mishmeret Itamar, Beshalach, cited in Weiss, S. (1990), Insights A Talmudic Treasury, Feldheim, Jerusalem, Israel  p.32

[x]     Talmud Yoma 22b following translation by Jastrow, M. (1989), A Dictionary, Judaica Press New York

[xi]    Talmud Yoma 22b

[xii]   Talmud Yoma 23a

[xiii]  Leviticus 19:18

[xiv] Judges 5, Talmud Shabbat 88b

[xv]  Rashi on Yoma 23a

[xvi] Pirkey Avot (Chapters of the Fathers) 2:3

Shame, Pride & Striving: the case of Reuben Jacob-son

There seems to be a little of Prince Charles in the Torah's Reuben, in that he is destined for greatness¹ but never seems to get there. 

He is conceived, not in an act of love between his father and mother, but in a case of mistaken identity² in which his father loved his aunt Rachel and thought his mother was her sister.

Just after he is born his mother named him Reuben, which literally means “look (in the plural) a son!” Because she said, “because God saw my pain, as now my husband will love me³”. There seems to be something tragic in the only comment a mother makes about her baby son is about his potential to help her with her loveless marriage. Her desperation for Jacob's love and deep sadness about this is expressed in the names of her 2^nd, 3^rd and 6^th children born in Reuben's formative years, Shimon: “because God heard that I was hated”, Levi “now, this time my husband will be attached to me”, Zebulun, “this time my husband will dwell with me”.

His name is also interpreted as his mother declaring 'look at the difference between my son and the son of my father in law (eg. Esau, the son of Isaac)'. Esau sold his birthright (status of being first-born) to Jacob but then hated him, whereas my son had his birthright taken from his against his will and given to Joseph yet he was not jealous of him and on the contrary he sought to save him from his brothers⁴. While Leah takes pride in her sons moral character, it is stated in relation to his being her son as he compares with that of her father in law.

Reuben is next encountered bringing some type of plant called “Dudaiim⁵” (mandrakes or Jasmin) for his mother. One reason given for this offering was that Reuben saw that his mother was upset that she stopped giving birth (after her fourth child) so he brought his mother this plant which was believed to be either a fertility drug or an aphrodisiac⁶. The Dudaim, are requested by his aunt Rachel and leads to an argument between his mother and her sister. “is it a small matter, your taking my husband, now you will take these Dudaiim of my son⁷?” A deal is struck in which Jacob will sleep with Leah that night instead of Rachel. At what point does Reuben leave the scene?

Reuben's next big moment as the oldest of his brothers, one would assume, would come in the brother's response to the rape and abduction of their sister Dina. Jacob, takes a back seat to his sons who violently deal with their outrage about it. Reuben is not mentioned in this story, instead it is Shimon & Levi who lead and drive the terrible drama.

Instead, Reuben appears in a cryptic incident following Rachel's death and Jacob moving his bed from its permanent place in Rachel's tent to his concubine Bilha's tent. “When his father lived in that land, Reuben went and slept with Bilhah, his father's concubine”. There are arguments about whether this is to be taken literally⁸,  one view being that he merely interfered in the sexual life of Bilhah, by removing his fathers bed from her tent and putting it in his mother's tent to claim his mothers embarrassment as being a secondary wife. Other views are the Reuben merely put egg white on her Bilha's bed to make it appear that something more happened, but Jacob saw through the lie or alternatively that he slept in Bilha's bed⁹.

Reuben was filled with great remorse about whatever happened with Bilhah and fasted many fasts. This well intentioned fasting, leads to one of the saddest cries of Reuben's life. Biblical, Reuben, intends to save Joseph but does not challenge the 'group-think' of his brothers that Joseph must die. He works within the consensus, suggests a compromise, hoping to fix it later. He then goes off, occupied with his sackcloth and his fasting for the his sin (relating to Bilha/his father). Only to return to see that Joseph is gone. “and I, where will I come?” He will never feel at home again, haunted by his timid choice. (For anyone who read The Kite Runner, think of the deep shame and guilt of the main character).

In later years Reuben offers his two children should be killed if he fails to protect, Benjamin who is Rachel and Jacobs only remaining son. His offer is rebuffed by Jacob. It is interpreted as if Jacob is saying “an idiot of an oldest son he is, he says to kill his sons, are his children not my children?!”

In his last 'speaking part' in his life's tragic drama, Reuben castigates his brothers for selling Joseph “did I not say to you, do not sin with the boy and you did not listen, and now his blood is being demanded (we are being held accountable for it)”. He might have wanted to say that, it seems clear that he certainly meant to say that, but he did not quite tell them that. Compare his record of what he told them with his actual words at the time, “let us not kill his soul, do not spill his blood, throw him into this pit in the desert (filled with snakes and scorpions¹⁰) but do not send send your hand against him”.

On his fathers death bed, he is criticized for his impulsiveness and the incident with Bilha.

For me, there are three elements. There is something here about the damaging effect of excess shame and guilt. Reuben would have been more use to Joseph, if he beat himself up a bit less, believed that God has forgiven him out of His abundant forgiveness and lived more joyously¹¹. Leah's almost tragic focus on her terrible situation makes me think more about Jacob's and men's responsibility than hers. I can barely imagine what it would be like for a woman in a polygamous relationship to feel unloved by her husband. There is clearly a message here about men communicating and nurturing a loving relationship, as our tradition warns men about the significance of the tears of a woman. How this would apply to women, I will leave for female scholars to articulate.

Finally the story is about Reuben's inherent decency in spite of his failures and flaws. Not all of us need to be the hero in some real life adaptation of a Hollywood movie, 'riding in to the town on horseback having shot up all the baddies'. Not every life, is about a man overcoming his inhibitions to find greatness and glory. What matters more is recognizing our own flaws and striving to correct them, but also manage and contain them and the sadness and shame they evoke within us and just be a decent human being. In this Reuben succeeds.

1Midrash Beresheet Rabba chap 99.

2Based on Rashi on Beresheet 49:2, Beresheet Rabbah, Zohar, Bereshith, Section 1, Page 176a, cited by Rabbi Ari Kahn, http://rabbiarikahn.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=69:reuven&catid=41:vayishlach&Itemid=56 .

3Beresheet, 29:32

4Talmud, Berachot 7b.

5http://www.dudaim.org/ for more about this plant and opportunity to buy dried Dudaim seeds.

6Seforo

7Beresheet 30:15

8Talmud, Shabbat 55a.

9Tosaphot, Hadar Zekainim, quoting Midrash, and a manuscript of Rokeach both cited in Torah Shelaima, Beresheet p1360-1361.

10Rashi

11Tanya Chapter 1 & 26.