Ok Being Small and the Glory of Being Large

 Last Friday, I shifted from feeling “small” to the state of “largeness”. The great Hasidic master, the Baal Shem Tov, taught: “Each person exists in two modes, smallness and largeness, and we can shift into largeness through joy and laughter.”[i] I was feeling small on Friday because of a mistake I made that caused me to feel really flat. Then, after a Shabbat dinner that included laughter and joy, with my adult sons and daughters-in-law who I am visiting in New York, my spirits lifted. As pleasing as this shift was, it showed me that we need to embrace both smallness and greatness.

Jacob in the Torah is an example of the two modes. The very name, Jacob, is symbolic of smallness and “lowliness.”[ii] The name was given to him as a baby because of his desperate gesture during his birth of holding on to the heel of his older twin, Esau.[iii] This hanging on to his brother’s heel was symbolic of his desperate attempt to prevent his senior twin from getting the status of being the firstborn.

The name “Jacob” is linked to being in states of sadness, sighing, worry and powerlessness,[iv] or being prone to such feelings.

Jacob was frightened of meeting his brother Esau[v] who held a grudge against him. Jacob was distressed when his wives criticised him for his fear and lack of faith.[vi] The criticism stung Jacob as he was already distressed internally.[vii] He had a really bad feeling about the fact that he was afraid.[viii] This is often the case when we are feeling low; we feel bad about feeling bad. Jacob declared in his prayer: “I became small, because of all your kindnesses.”[ix]  When Jacob ruminated on his status, his possible deficiencies[x] and how much kindness God had given him, he felt qualitatively[xi] “small” and undeserving.

I am in “Jacob mode” when I am feeling cautious, guarded, self-conscious, self-critical and evaluating myself or feeling a little inferior. It is not a pleasant state.

Jacob was liberated from this mode by Esau’s angel[xii] with whom he wrestled and beat[xiii]. Unlike Jacob’s previous conflicts – with Esau[xiv] and Laban[xv]- when he fled, this time he stayed and faced it. The angel told Jacob that his name would change to Israel (which means “prevailed with God”) because of his victory over one of God’s angels.

It feels great to be an “Israel”. It is a state of confidence where achievement feels effortless[xvi] and it is tempting to think that being in that mode all the time is the right way to be. It is not.

To get to be in “Israel” mode, one must first be in a “Jacob” state[xvii].  One does not get to the “zone” without the prior hard work and struggle over time to grapple with many challenges, and only after much toil does one sail through, apparently effortlessly, to achieve great things.

According to the psychotherapist, Alfred Adler, feelings of inferiority are “stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth. If it is not used in the wrong way.”[xviii] It is a feeling of wanting to be more and achieve more.  

Even once we get to that confident powerful place of being Israel, it does not last long. It is compared to being the Sabbath mode[xix], a beautiful state that lasts for one day per week before we return to the toil of the weekdays.

When I consider the fact that being in some form smallness/Jacob mode is a normal part of life, I realise that to be most effective in the struggles of life it helps to embrace them, rather than resist them. Count the blessings that are still present even in times of struggle, and find opportunities to be joyful and laugh to temporarily shift to the state of an enlarged spirit, before returning to the beautiful challenge of being a flawed human doing good. As the late Stella Cornelius used to say, “some great things were achieved by people who were not feeling so good that day" (xx). 

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[i] Baal Shem Tov on the Torah, a collection of quotes of the Baal Shem Tov

[ii] Ohr Hachayim on Genesis 47:28 and others

[iii] Genesis 25:26

[iv] Ohr Hachayim on Genesis 47:28

[v] Genesis

[vi] Ner Hachschalim manuscript, cited in Torah Shlaima, on Beresheet, p. 1266, Midrash Yelamdenu,

[vii] Chemdat Hayamim, cited in Torah Shlaima, on Beresheet, p. 1267, Midrash Yelamdenu,

[viii] Ha’Emek Davar

[ix] Genesis 32:11

[x] Bamidbar Rabba, 19:32

[xi] Mizrahi, Rabbi Eliyahu Mizrahi, on Genesis 32:11

[xii] Midrash Rabba

[xiii] Gensis 32:25-30

[xiv] Genesis 28:7

[xv] Genesis 31:21

[xvi] Likutei Torah on Balak

[xvii] Likutei Torah ibid

[xviii] Kishimi, I, Koga, F. (2017), The Courage To Be Disliked, Allen and Unwin, p.59

[xix] Likutei Torah

Embrace the pain

Embrace the pain

I felt quite uncomfortable as I observed a five-year-old girl erupt in frustration and rage when he was rejected by his peers as he tried to join them in an activity. At times, in the quest for scarce means of sustenance, status or companionship, there is plenty of pain to go around. 

One strategy is to escape into fantasy. In my late teens, as a somewhat insecure young man, I was chosen to be a ‘lieutenant general’ in a summer camp ’colour war’ activity.  As part of this role, I was carried on someone’s shoulders dressed in a camouflage army uniform. At the time I thought I looked glorious and once told a friend that I liked “that [inflated] Zalman” better than the real one.

That memory came to me while studying this week’s Torah reading about Pharaoh dreaming of standing on the water of the Nile River[i].  Pharoah dreamed of cows and grain, hinting at catastrophic famine for his nation and people in the region. But first, Pharaoh noticed his own position in the dream: ְbehold he was standing on the Nile River, like a god walking on water. His dream reflected the fact that he made himself into a god who controlled the Nile[ii]. “My Nile is my own; I made it myself[iii]”. While this delusion served Pharaoh’s political interests[iv], it might have also served an emotional need to overcompensate for any insecurities.

This blog post is an argument for not running away from pain, before or after it occurs. In the Torah reading, the Pharoah’s nightmare-induced funk was relieved when a prisoner with a talent for dream interpretation, Joseph, was brought before the king. Joseph had been imprisoned for two years (in the final phase of his jail time), yet it felt like a few days for him. This was because “afflictions are treasured by the righteous”, and these two years [of imprisonment] were [for Joseph] like two days[v]. He saw the problem as something to accept rather than resist.

Joseph’s father was not so accepting of the troubles in his life. He craved tranquility as he ‘settled’ in the land of Canaan[vi]. Not long after Jacob had ’settled’, a terrible event occurred. His favourite son Joseph disappeared. Joseph’s own brothers sold him into slavery then misled their father about what happened. While the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, Jewish tradition suggests that Jacob’s suffering was related to his seeking to be ‘settled into tranquility’ in his life on earth, rather leaving such aspirations for the afterlife in heaven. We are encouraged to feel like foreigners passing through this life, to expect and accept hardships in this foreign place rather than resisting the inevitable disappointments with false hopes of a trouble-free life[vii]. 

One challenging form of pain many people seek to avoid is the shame and guilt that arises from causing harm. For Joseph’s brothers, many years passed and still they failed to confront the cruel robbing of their young brother’s freedom until they found themselves the victims of false imprisonment. This predicament caused the penny to drop. The brothers reflected on what they did to Joseph and proclaimed; “but we are guilty about our brother, that we saw the distress of his soul, when he pleaded with us but we did not listen”[viii].

Joseph’s brothers felt a mixture of shame and guilt about their sin. Yet, the eldest brother Reuben chose not to ease his brothers’ discomfort; instead, he seemed to rub it in. “Did I not tell you, do not sin with the boy, but you did not listen, and also his blood is now demanded of us[ix]”. Reuben gave his brothers a master class in repentance. It is not enough to say ‘sorry’ as a response to being punished. He invited his brothers to make a deep personal commitment to now take responsibility for the choice they made to commit an injustice and sin against an innocent child all those years ago. He urged them to put aside any excuses, and own up to their choice[x].

The rejected five-year-old girl got a ‘sorry’ from the other girls. It did little to change how she felt. Sitting with the harm caused to, and by us is a slow and painful but useful path to healing.

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[i] Genesis 41:1

[ii] R. Bchaye, on Gensis 41:1

[iii] Ezekiel 29:3

[iv] Chemdas Yamim manuscript in Torah Shlaima, p. 1530, tell us more about this. Pharoah was constantly ruminating about the matter of the Nile. He would say to himself, “if the Nile will not rise this year then there will be a great famine, or if he add a lot of water then it might ruin the crops and I told the Egyptians that I made the Nile and now I will be [considered] a liar to them”. He saw his dream in a way that was similar to his ruminations… In the end he recognised that his dream will require him to tell the people that he in in fact not God, and he admitted this to Joseph when he said that after God made all this known to you, he acknowledged that there is a God other than himself. 

[v] Midrash Habiur, a manuscript, cited in Torah Shleima, p. 1529, 8. The midrash is based on the fact that the verse states it was two years – days. If it was two “years”, why does it say “days”?

[vi] Midrash Rabba on Genesis 37:1

[vii] Rabbi Yitzchak Ben Aramaa, in Akedat Yitzchak, Genesis Shaar 30, p. 257

[viii] Genesis 42:21

[ix] Genesis 42:22

[x] Rabbi MM Schneerson, The Lubavitcher Rebbe in Likutei Sichot, Vol 16, Miketz

 

Emotional blindness. The Case of Isaac – Toldot

Alienated. Feeling alone and disconnected from the people who used to provide connection and a sense of belonging. Perhaps there is a vicious cycle - feelings of alienation in an individual alienate the people they might otherwise connect with. Don’t we like to hang out with happy people? Surely, the alienated one needs to get over it! Look on the bright side! Which also means don’t dare look at what feels wrong and misaligned. Turn a blind eye, mate. That’s the winning strategy. Perhaps it is.

I wonder about the merits of focusing on the positive to such a degree that we stop seeing disturbing facts or fears. I want to explore this by looking at the metaphoric hints in our teachings about Isaac’s blindness.

Isaac is one of Judaism’s three patriarchs. He was literally blind[i], but Isaac also seems to have been blind to the true evil[ii] nature of his oldest son, Esau[iii], who he wanted to bless at the end of his life[iv] rather than his good son, Jacob.

The meaning of Isaac’s blindness is hinted at in various teachings of the Midrash. One approach is that God brought blindness down on Isaac as a way of shielding him from the shame of Esau’s behavior. Easu abducted married women and raped them. If Isaac would walk in the marketplace, people would ridicule him as the father of that scoundrel. By making Isaac blind, God caused Isaac to stay at home and thus avoid the experience of shame[v]. This seems to endorse the proposition that one way to deal with shame is to avoid exposure to it and escape from it.

I read a charming articulation of this approach from the Breslov school of Chasidism. “You may remember … from the early childhood of some little person in your vicinity, that closing one’s eyes was a strategy often employed to ward off the threat of seeming doom. It may not have always worked, but then again you might not have known how to do it properly.” [vi]The Breslov approach emphasises seclusion and talking to God like one would to a friend.

The Rebbe Nachman stated 'And if things get very bad, make yourself into nothingness.’

I asked him, 'How does one make himself into nothingness?’

He replied, 'Close the mouth and eyes – nothingness!’

They advise, “One has to hide inside the house to keep himself from feasting his eyes on this world. The walls of the house serve as blinders.”

An alternative view is that Isaac’s blindness was a consequence of his experience being offered as a human sacrifice by his own father[vii]. At the time the angels wept, and their tears entered Isaac’s eyes and eventually blinded him[viii]. The angels could not bear the injustice of a father’s cruelty to his son. Isaac tuned into the outrage of the angels to such an extent that his mind was closed to any form of parental rejection of a child. He could not see that Esau was an undeserving son, unworthy of the blessings he wished to give him[ix]. Following this interpretation, turning a blind eye is unwise.

Still another approach links Isaac’s blindness to the experience of bitterness of spirit[x] caused to him and Rebecca by the idol worship of Esau’s wives. This made Isaac angry, which led him to become blind[xi]. Anger, sometimes caused by being confronted with something we really wish we could pretend was not there[xii], can cause us to not ‘see things clearly’ and significantly distort our perception of reality, rendering us emotionally ‘blind.’

I am not sure exactly what guidance to draw from all this. However, a few things are clear to me. A lot of the time, it is useful to look away and tell ourselves that the time is not right for exploring depressing matters[xiii], on condition that we do look at them from time to time. If we never deal with painful issues, denial is likely to end in tears when reality crashes through and needs to be dealt with. Despite turning a blind eye, we still have some awareness of the problems we are choosing not to see so the emotions of anger, resentment and shame bubble away in the shadows, and in the subconscious and can’t be addressed. The suppressed rage and fear seep out in unspoken ways, through tone and body language and cause distress to people around us and to ourselves. Perhaps, the answer lies in mixing blindness with clear-eyed exploration of the painful things we wish to avoid.

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[i] Genesis 27:1

[ii] Midrashic sources, Midrash Rabba and others

[iii] Lamm, N. 2012, Derashot L’dorot, a commentary for the ages: Genesis, OU press, p. 114

[iv] Genesis 27:4

[v] Bereshit Rabba 65

[vi] https://www.breslov.org/dvar/bereishis/toldot_5761.html

[vii] Genesis 22:1-12

[viii] Bereshit Rabba 65:5

[ix] R. Ezra Bick, https://www.torahmusings.com/2013/10/the-blindness-of-yitzchak/

[x] Genesis 26:35

[xi] Midrash Tanchuma toldot 8

[xii] Toldot Yaakov Yosef, I don’t remember the exact reference

[xiii] R. Schneur Zalman of Liadi, Tanya, chapter 26

Frantic to Equanimity? Jacob Renamed Israel

I have set myself a goal for December – to shift from feeling driven in the way I work, to calmer and more accepting ways of being at work. I often feel like I am frantically moving my attention from one urgent task to another, doubting myself, feeling disappointed, and worrying about what might happen next. However, change is risky because we can try to change too much and either fail to change very much at all –  or, worse, succeed in overbalancing from too anxious to become too relaxed and passive. This is an exploration of the challenges of equanimity and personal change, and draws on the example of the patriarch Jacob. 

Equanimity

Jewish tradition extolls the virtue of השתוות – Hishtavut, equanimity. This quality is illustrated by the story of the man who sought to join a group of Kabbalists as an initiate. The admission test, which he failed, was whether he felt the same when people praised or insulted him (1). I remember, as a child, being in awe of my father when something went wrong in his work and his reaction was of one of utter calm.  However, equanimity is an ideal that eluded the patriarch Jacob.

Jacob – the name means the crooked blocker

Jacob’s name and identity was inherently about trying to stop the inevitable. When Jacob was born, his hand held on to his brother's heel, which is interpreted as him trying to prevent the inevitable fact of his brother being the first born (2). This act earned him the name Jacob (3), which has connotations of thwarting someone and trickery. As a teenager he again tried to change the facts of the birth order by offering his brother a bowl of lentils in exchange for the birth-right (4). Despite Jacob’s scheme for advancing his status, his dying blind father still chose to bless Jacob’s older brother. In response Jacob, disregarding his deep ethical reservations, impersonated Esau and was blessed instead (5). This deception enraged Esau, which led Jacob to flee to another country. When he arrived there, he boasted that he could be devious if someone tried to trick him (6). Yet, despite his boast, he was repeatedly deceived (7), and resorted to strange tricks with sticks in a never-ending fight for his rights (8). 

Frantic approach to a brother

Two decades after the bitter falling out with his brother, Esau, Jacob returned to his homeland.  Anticipating a confrontation with Esau, Jacob prepared frantically with gifts, flattery, and preparation for war (9). He cried out to God with a heartfelt prayer, “Save me, please, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau, for I fear him, lest he come and strike me, (and my family too) a mother and children” (10). Yet, it turned out that his brother kissed him when they met rather than sought to attack him as Jacob had expected (11). Esau even reassured Jacob about the disputed blessings (12), with the statement: “let what is yours, be yours” (13).

Jacob was criticized for not simply letting things be (14). Jacob’s anxious approach is linked to an interpretation to the verse in the psalm, may “goodness and kindness pursue me” (15). We can be too anxious or unaware of blessings that are sent to us, so we run away. In this psalm we request that the blessings pursue us despite our difficulty in receiving them (16). 

Personal Rebranding

In the middle of all the frantic preparation, Jacob stopped. It was the middle of the night, and he was alone (17). Jacob entered a heightened state of consciousness and inner struggle,   separating himself from his material self and his external identity and his name Jacob (18). Perhaps he had enough of being “Jacob”, was tired of hustling, of the ethical ambiguities and the anxiety and stress. We read that Jacob wrestled with a “man” while he was alone. The man was “the guardian angel of his brother Esau” (19) – or perhaps it was how Jacob would imagine his brother’s angel (20).  

At the end of this epiphany or spiritual encounter, Jacob emerged with a new name, Israel; he was not to be called Jacob anymore. This new name symbolises strength and ability to confidently negotiate with humans or divine beings (21). This experience was intense and left Jacob scarred in his thigh (22). Perhaps the thigh represents walking and movement (23), and it being injured was symbolic of reducing Jacob's hectic pace. According to the mystics, the thigh represents the drive to victory or competitiveness (24), and it being hit represented shifting to a calmer approach.  

Balance

When I studied this transformation of identity, I was drawn to it and thought I might model my personal growth on Jacob-Israel's dramatic change. As I read more and reflected on this, it started to become disturbing. Despite Jacob’s new identity as Israel, a new man filled with confidence and strength, a new crisis arose with the abduction of Jacob-Israel’s daughter Dina (25). The old frenetic Jack-in-the-box Jacob was silent and missing in action, but so was the new Israel identity. New ways of being taking practice and time to develop, and can’t always be manifest. Yet, it seems like Jacob did not fall back on his old ways either, to save his daughter through desperate measures or tricks.

My conclusion is to aim for equanimity, but also to embrace my New York-Chabad forged drive and hustle as tools in my toolbox and aspects of my personality. Like Jacob, I can become an Israel, but I am not aiming for a negation of my earlier way of being or identity. Equanimity begins for me with being ok with being a little stressed. I anticipate that I will learn how to work more calmly, but I am trying to be ready for the times when “I don’t, because sometimes I won’t” (26). And when that happens, I hope to be ok with that too.    

Notes

1)  Gates of Holiness, 4^th chapter, Third Gate, section 5- By Rabbi Chaim Vital; translated and adapted by Zechariah Goldman https://www.chabad.org/kabbalah/article_cdo/aid/380555/jewish/Equanimity.htm
2)     Rashi
3)     Genesis 25:26
4)     Genesis 25:29-31
5)     Genesis 27:11-14, the sin of his deception was considered so serious that the in the Talmud, Sanhedrin 92a Jacob’s behaviour is compared to idol worship.
6)     Genesis 29:12 Jacob states that he is Laban’s sister’s brother which is understood by Talmud Megila 13b to state that he “is his brother in deception”
7)     Genesis 29:18-23 and 31:7
8)     Genesis 30:31-41
9)     Genesis 32:4-21, see Jonathan Sacks, in Covenant and Conversation p. 230
10)   Genesis 32:12
11)   Genesis 33:4, See Midrash Rabba 78:9 (33:4), p. 773, it was sincere and with his whole heart. 
12)   Rashi to Genesis 33:9, see Baal Haturim:  the Gematriya, the numerical value of the letters in the words אחי יהי לך אשר לך (my brother let what is yours be yours) is the same as זה הברכות they both equal the number 645.
13)   Genesis 33:9
14)   Midrash Rabba Midrash Rabba 32:4
15)   Psalm 23:6
16)   Baal Shem Tov, in Shimon Menachem Mendel of Gavaratchov (ed).  on the Torah, p. 271, 9
17)   Genesis 32:25
18)   Malbim on 32:25 p.319, his being alone relates to his preparation for prophecy, in a state of התבודדות
19)   Beresheet Rabba 77
20)   Ralbag, p 202 & 204, The Midrash Aggada, cited in Kasher, Torah Shlaima, p. 1282, 146 tells us that Jacob pleaded with his brother’s angel for forgiveness for the blessings from his father, but the angel representing Esau, seemed to have moved on as he responded with the question “who is complaining about you [about this]?
21)   Genesis 32:29
22)   Genesis 32:26
23)   Netziv, in Lamm, N. A commentary for the ages- Genesis, p. 176, it is associated with the hip that is linked to walking and it represents movement.
24)   Derech Mitzbotecha, Mitzvat Gid Hanasheh
25)   Genesis 34:1-5
26)   Dr. Seuss, Oh, the places you’ll go.