Ok Being Small and the Glory of Being Large

 Last Friday, I shifted from feeling “small” to the state of “largeness”. The great Hasidic master, the Baal Shem Tov, taught: “Each person exists in two modes, smallness and largeness, and we can shift into largeness through joy and laughter.”[i] I was feeling small on Friday because of a mistake I made that caused me to feel really flat. Then, after a Shabbat dinner that included laughter and joy, with my adult sons and daughters-in-law who I am visiting in New York, my spirits lifted. As pleasing as this shift was, it showed me that we need to embrace both smallness and greatness.

Jacob in the Torah is an example of the two modes. The very name, Jacob, is symbolic of smallness and “lowliness.”[ii] The name was given to him as a baby because of his desperate gesture during his birth of holding on to the heel of his older twin, Esau.[iii] This hanging on to his brother’s heel was symbolic of his desperate attempt to prevent his senior twin from getting the status of being the firstborn.

The name “Jacob” is linked to being in states of sadness, sighing, worry and powerlessness,[iv] or being prone to such feelings.

Jacob was frightened of meeting his brother Esau[v] who held a grudge against him. Jacob was distressed when his wives criticised him for his fear and lack of faith.[vi] The criticism stung Jacob as he was already distressed internally.[vii] He had a really bad feeling about the fact that he was afraid.[viii] This is often the case when we are feeling low; we feel bad about feeling bad. Jacob declared in his prayer: “I became small, because of all your kindnesses.”[ix]  When Jacob ruminated on his status, his possible deficiencies[x] and how much kindness God had given him, he felt qualitatively[xi] “small” and undeserving.

I am in “Jacob mode” when I am feeling cautious, guarded, self-conscious, self-critical and evaluating myself or feeling a little inferior. It is not a pleasant state.

Jacob was liberated from this mode by Esau’s angel[xii] with whom he wrestled and beat[xiii]. Unlike Jacob’s previous conflicts – with Esau[xiv] and Laban[xv]- when he fled, this time he stayed and faced it. The angel told Jacob that his name would change to Israel (which means “prevailed with God”) because of his victory over one of God’s angels.

It feels great to be an “Israel”. It is a state of confidence where achievement feels effortless[xvi] and it is tempting to think that being in that mode all the time is the right way to be. It is not.

To get to be in “Israel” mode, one must first be in a “Jacob” state[xvii].  One does not get to the “zone” without the prior hard work and struggle over time to grapple with many challenges, and only after much toil does one sail through, apparently effortlessly, to achieve great things.

According to the psychotherapist, Alfred Adler, feelings of inferiority are “stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth. If it is not used in the wrong way.”[xviii] It is a feeling of wanting to be more and achieve more.  

Even once we get to that confident powerful place of being Israel, it does not last long. It is compared to being the Sabbath mode[xix], a beautiful state that lasts for one day per week before we return to the toil of the weekdays.

When I consider the fact that being in some form smallness/Jacob mode is a normal part of life, I realise that to be most effective in the struggles of life it helps to embrace them, rather than resist them. Count the blessings that are still present even in times of struggle, and find opportunities to be joyful and laugh to temporarily shift to the state of an enlarged spirit, before returning to the beautiful challenge of being a flawed human doing good. As the late Stella Cornelius used to say, “some great things were achieved by people who were not feeling so good that day" (xx). 

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[i] Baal Shem Tov on the Torah, a collection of quotes of the Baal Shem Tov

[ii] Ohr Hachayim on Genesis 47:28 and others

[iii] Genesis 25:26

[iv] Ohr Hachayim on Genesis 47:28

[v] Genesis

[vi] Ner Hachschalim manuscript, cited in Torah Shlaima, on Beresheet, p. 1266, Midrash Yelamdenu,

[vii] Chemdat Hayamim, cited in Torah Shlaima, on Beresheet, p. 1267, Midrash Yelamdenu,

[viii] Ha’Emek Davar

[ix] Genesis 32:11

[x] Bamidbar Rabba, 19:32

[xi] Mizrahi, Rabbi Eliyahu Mizrahi, on Genesis 32:11

[xii] Midrash Rabba

[xiii] Gensis 32:25-30

[xiv] Genesis 28:7

[xv] Genesis 31:21

[xvi] Likutei Torah on Balak

[xvii] Likutei Torah ibid

[xviii] Kishimi, I, Koga, F. (2017), The Courage To Be Disliked, Allen and Unwin, p.59

[xix] Likutei Torah

The Complexity of Self Esteem and Humility – Nadab and Abihu Acharei Moss

There is no simple formula for navigating self-esteem and humility.

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Judaism mandates humility, and psychology promotes self-esteem. I am not satisfied with the synthesis that humility and self-esteem are simply two sides of the same coin.  Instead, I suggest that to live virtuous lives we need to see ourselves as being of limited importance, and we also need to appreciate our worth. These virtues sometimes compete, and at other times complement each other. Let us begin with a scenario.  

“Name drop”
At the Passover Seder last week, I made a point that compassion for refugees is one implication of retelling the Exodus story. In illustrating this point, I mentioned that I met a past Australian Prime Minister who was vocal about refugees. “Name drop!” one guest called out.

Neither humble nor esteemed

It was light-hearted banter, but assuming that it was a “name drop” and not an innocent legitimate comment, it contravenes the requirement, to “walk humbly with your God”   [i] or, more precisely, to “walk in a hidden manner”. Jews are also urged to be of “very, very lowly spirit, as the hope of man are the maggots (that will consume his/her corpse when buried) [ii] ”. But according to a popular understanding of psychology, my problem was not actually regarding myself too highly, but a lack of self-esteem (iii). The name drop would be interpreted as an attempt to overcompensate for my low self-esteem. While this explanation is sometimes true for some people, I am sceptical of it as an explanation for everyone, all of the time.    

The Lure of the Synthesis
The synthesis between the virtues of humility and self-esteem is attractive to the modern Jew. Our generation is a generation of psychology rather than philosophy.  Psychology, or at least pop psychology, is what determines the essence of the human experience in the world [iv].  For the religious Jew to insist on humility as a stand-alone virtue is to sound like a flat earther. It seems easier to conform to the norm of emphasising self-esteem. Yet, to hold humility and self-esteem as separate virtues is to have a fuller spiritual toolbox for navigating our lives.

Humility and Nadab and Abihu
For the person of faith, humility is essential. We are invited to be of lowly spirit before every person [v] and never see ourselves as superior to anyone else.  Humility also enables us to truly worship God, on God’s terms, rather than our own terms. Nadab and Abihu were two men who lacked such humility [vi]. Rather than obey God, they brought fire to God’s temple that God did not command [vii]. They failed to respect that there are special times when God invites a select person into the temple [viii]. In their self-directed, overly entitled, drunken [ix], exuberant religious ecstasy, they displayed their arrogance. They were overheard saying that soon their elders, Moses and Aaron, would die and they would replace them to lead the Israelites[x].

For me, the lesson from this story is if I think too highly of myself, it can make it harder to restrain my desires. However, when I see myself as of low status, this can help me regulate my impulses to comply with the will of God and ethical imperatives.

Self-Esteem required for Moral Conduct
Sitting on a plane flying to Perth, I was surprised to read a Fifteenth Century Torah text that argued that regarding ourselves highly is essential for virtuous living or self-regulation. If we see ourselves as valuable, we will behave as befitting someone of high status; conversely, if we see ourselves as lowly, this could lead us not to bother doing what is right [xi]. The example of King Saul is cited. He failed to appreciate the importance of his office as King, and humbly followed the will of the people. The prophet reprimanded him for his humility with the words “If you are small, from your perspective, [don’t be] you are the head of the tribes of Israel, God has anointed you as a King over Israel!” [xii]. 

 

Conclusion

Every human, regardless of ethnicity, beliefs, achievements, or virtues is intrinsically valuable. We are cherished by God in whose image we were all created [xiii]. We never deserve to be hated by anyone, including ourselves. It is ok to be temporarily shamed when our choices fall short of our ideals. Like an email delivering a message, once the shame delivers the message about the gap, it can be deleted. And, at the same time, each of us is profoundly insignificant. We are mere mortals making some noise and doing a few meaningful things that are not such a big deal, as we are only doing what we were created to do [xiv]. Does this all fit neatly? Of course not, because life is complex, not neat.

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[i] Micah 6:8

[ii] Pirkey Avot, 4:4

[iii] Lieberman, D. J. (2022), Mindreader: The New Science of Deciphering What People Really Think, What They Really Want, and Who They Really Are. Harmony/Rodale

[iv] https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/5099355/jewish/Can-Kosher-Make-Sense.htm

[v] Pirkey Avot, 4:10

[vi] Leviticus, 10:1-2 and 16:1-2

[vii] Leviticus 10:1

[viii] Leviticus 10:2

[ix] Midrash Tanchuma, Acharei Mot.

[x] Torah Cohanim, in Kasher, Rabbi M., (1978) Torah Shlaima, volume 27, p. 2

[xi] R. Yitchak Arama, Akedat Yitzchak, gate 64

[xii] I Samuel, 15:17

[xiii] Pirkey Avot, 3:14

[xiv] Pirkey Avot, 2:8