Elusive love of the “undeserving” - Toldot

Copyright Noel Kessel 2015, first appeared in
the Australian Jewish News,
Jewish University student walked 8 hours from a Synagogue
in the East part of Sydney to a Mosque in the West. He was
accompanied by Muslim and Jewish friends for parts of the walk.

This post is less about answers than questions.  The fraught quest for attachment to parents and for parental love has scarred many people. I emphatically believe in unconditional parental love which is why I am so puzzled by the way the Torah reading this week seems to contradict this principle. A related, but broader question, is whether love must be earned or should love be our first and fundamental disposition towards all people? A very irate man called me this week to complain about what he described as my loving behavior toward Muslims; he seemed to regard love as something that Muslims, in general, do not deserve.  

In the Torah reading we are told that the mother, Rebecca, loved Jacob [1] but the text tells us nothing about how she felt about Jacob’s twin, Esau, at this point.  Disturbingly, commentary suggests that her love for one son rather than the other was based on them earning this love.  Commentary suggests that every time Rebecca heard Jacob’s voice her love for him would increase”; [2] “when she would hear his (Jacobs) pleasant words and would see his wholesome ways”. [3] However Rebecca is thought to not love her other son Esau [4] because “not only did he not occupy himself with wisdom and the ways of God, but he chose an occupation for himself that put him in danger every day…”. [5] Her love is clearly conditional which I find really hard to accept.

In contrast to Rebecca’s lack of love for the “evil” Esau we are told that “Isaac loved Esau because of the (hunting) game in his mouth”. [6] Far from this being seen as endorsement of unconditional love, by the practice of one of our patriarchs no less, this fathers love for his “bad child” seems a fault according to some of our traditional teachings.

A simple understanding of the text would have us believe that Esau’s hunting of “game from which he (Isaac) would eat” [7] was the reason Isaac loved this particular son. Isaac is portrayed in one tradition as quite particular in his tastes, indulgent and loving all kinds of delicacies, perhaps even spoiled, being the younger child born to his parents in their old age. Isaac consumed meat of the hunted animals and birds as well as choice wine brought to him by Esau. [8]   One Midrash links Isaac’s love to the evils of bribery and the proverb “A bribe is a precious stone in the eyes of the one who has it; wherever he turns, he prospers”, [9] asserting that bribery is like a stone, where ever it falls it breaks things. [10]

Yet, other teachings reflect a reluctance to portray our patriarch Isaac so harshly, instead either blaming Esau for misleading Isaac about his true nature [11] or believing that is was Isaac’s prophecy about a righteous descendent of Esau, named Ovadia, that was the reason for his love [12] rather than loving this boy Esau for himself. 

While the text tells us nothing about Isaac’s love for his “good son”, Jacob, commentary is not comfortable with leaving this as is, instead asserting that surely the deserving son enjoyed his father’s love and explaining away the fact that this is not stated in the text.[13]

As the story unfolds, Esau is eventually so resentful of his brother Jacob that he plans to kill him. Chillingly, Esau’s weak attachment to his mother can be seen in the fact that although Esau is reluctant to kill his brother while his father is alive (instead waiting for the end of the mourning period after his father’s death) [14] he thinks nothing of his mother’s grief.[15]

There is a cryptic phrase toward the end of the story that refers to Rebecca as the mother of both Jacob and Esau [16] when she sends Jacob away to her brother’s house to save him from Esau’s murderous plan. This reference is explained as her being concerned for the safety of both her sons, perhaps because, in a confrontation between the twins, Jacob might harm her other son Esau [17] whom she still cares about. Her brother would protect them both from each other. This suggests that after all Rebecca did love Esau despite her disapproval of him, despite the contrary impression from the texts mentioned above about love needing to be earned.

This discussion is about Midrash rather than Jewish Law which usually stipulates one right or wrong way to do things. When it comes to these moral discussions, there are 70 “faces to the Torah”, which means that a religious Jew is not strictly bound by any particular interpretations of this story. I look forward to learning more about this. I shall continue to advocate unconditional parental love and a presumption of love for all as primary virtues. There are, however, exceptions for me.  Jews, unlike Christians, are not called to love their enemies. I don’t love despots, tyrants, abusers of trust or my closed-minded caller who showed no interest in understanding what I do, or why, and who went so far as to say that I have no right  to call myself a Rabbi. But unless there is very good reason to the contrary, I believe I must approach each and every person with good will and an open heart. As we are taught, the Torah’s ways are pleasant and all it’s paths are of peace . [18]

1. Genesis 25:28
2. Bereshit Rabba 63a, commentary cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 2, 1030, note 181, highlights the particular word for love in the text is  אוהבתin the present tense rather than  אהבה in the past tense
3. Sachar Tov, cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 2, 1030, note 181, Jacob’s wholesomeness is also cited in Rashbam, while Yalkut Ohr Afela, (cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 2, 1030, 182) suggests that the love was the result of Rebecca’s prophecy that Jacob would be righteous
4. Seforno
5. Radak
6. Genesis 25:28
7. Unkelos translation of Genesis 25:28
8. Sechel Tov, cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 2, 1029, note 177
9. Proverbs 17:8
10. Midrash Tanchuma, Toldos 8
11. Midrash Tanchuma, Toldos 8, also cited in Rashi
12. Midrash Hagadol, cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 2, 1030, 180
13. Radak asserts that there is no need to tell us that Isaac loved (the righteous?) Jacob, because he loved Jacob more than he Esau, in fact he did not love Esau (simply as a son) except for the fact that he would bring him hunted game to eat.  Seforno also asserts that Isaac’s love for Esau was in addition to his love for Jacob, but that although Isaac would have known, without a doubt, that Esau was not “complete” like Jacob he loved him anyway
14. Genesis 27:41
15. Ohr Hachayim on Genesis 25:28
16. Genesis 28:5
17. Rabbenu Bchai
18. Proverbs 3:17

Preserving Relationships Here - Refusing to Demonise

Craig Laundy MP (Member of Australian Parliament) in a
Hug with Sheikh Wesam Charkawi in a hoola hoop as part of a
Together For Humanity bridge building day between
students from different backgrounds

As a bridge- builder working for a Christian, Jewish and Muslim organisation, it is unwise for me to offer comments on conflict overseas. An exception to this rule would be to reflect on the ways in which we ensure that our ties to, and concerns about, what happens elsewhere do not destroy relationships in Australia.” The Australian” newspaper quotes me making such a comment this week to students from Granville Boys and Cronulla High Schools, referring to the deadly attack in a Jerusalem synagogue this week. “If I didn’t know these guys, ”I said, gesturing to my Muslim friends, “I would probably feel very distant because of the stuff that happens overseas. But, because of these connections, I’m able to continue to be friends with these guys, because we’ve got nothing to do with things happening thousands of kilometres away.” As my colleague Sheikh Ahmed said, “we need to localize” our thinking.

It is tempting to paint the “race” or “religion” of those on the opposite side of a conflict, no matter how far away, as monstrous and to essentialise the problem as being the rotten core of the “enemy religion or culture”. This is something that should not happen anywhere, certainly not in far-off Australia.

This relates to a theme in the Torah reading this week. Jacob, through various means, including impersonation of his brother, manages to acquire the blessings intended for his older brother Esau, which earns him his brother’s enmity (1). In later times, Esau would come to represent Rome, an empire known to have done terrible things to the Jews and others.

Esau, symbol of Rome, is born hairy and red (2).  This is taken to mean that “all of him was a spiller of blood” (3), and that “he was filled with blood…he hates blood as it stands in the human body (4)”. Strangely, we are told that “even while in his mother’s womb he drank her menstrual blood” (5). A Dracula foetus! Esau then marries women who are an “embittering of the spirit” for Esau’s parents with their intentionally difficult behaviour in the larger family home (6), further casting Esau in a negative light. 

Yet, there is an interesting counter lesson. The Torah tells us that Isaac, Esau’s father, became blind, which enabled Jacob to impersonate Esau and get the blessings. There was an easier way for Jacob to get the blessing. God could have simply told Isaac that Esau was evil and deceiving his father with his false piety. Yet, God chose not to speak badly about Esau and, instead, opted to make Isaac blind and leave him in ignorance of his son’s wickedness. Isaac’s blindness is, therefore, interpreted as a lesson in not speaking “Lashon Harah”, evil talk, even about Esau (7). While there are certainly very real problems for people to engage with constructively, care needs to be taken not to demonise a race or religion, but rather to “fight fair”, if one thinks one can right a wrong through “fighting”.

There is a touching story in our tradition about one of our sages, who helped a naked Roman survivor of a shipwreck. The sage saw him as a human being rather than as the “evil other”.  Perhaps, the easiest way to recognise each other’s humanity is by interacting. This was the experience of the students this week, as described in  ”The Australian” article below. If you live in Sydney, you are invited to have one more cross-cultural experience of your own at Together For Humanity’s fundraising dinner with former Governor Marie Bashir on 30th November in Auburn. (Details at this link http://togetherforhumanity.org.au/get_involved/dinner.php)  

(1) Genesis 27:41
(2) Genesis 25:25
(3) Midrash Rabbah 63
(4) Midrash Hagadol, cited in Torah Shlaima vol 2, p 1020, note 133
(5) Midrash Abchir, cited in Torah Shlaima vol 2, p 1020, note 131
(6) Genesis 26:35, commentary of Radak
(7) The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Likutei Sichos vol 15, p 215.


THEIRS are friendships formed across culture and religion in the wake of one of the ugliest ¬episodes of -racial violence in the nation’s history.
By Natasha Robinson, originally published in the Australian Newspaper 21/11/2014, reprinted with permission.

Now, Jewish, Christian and Islamic leaders are uniting again to connect the children of the southern Sydney beach suburb of Cronulla — barely old enough to go to school at the time of the riots eight years ago — with the boys from Granville in the city’s southwest, a heartland of Arabic, Islander and pretty much every other culture.

This week, at the home of the AFL’s Western Sydney Giants, students from Cronulla High and Granville Boys High hung out, kicked a footy and bemoaned the lack of teenage freedoms. It could have been any other day at school.

The Granville boys thought kids from “The Shire” were the children of “like, rich people”. They soon learned the Cronulla crew were a lot like them, and from a variety of ethnic backgrounds, too.

The boys from Granville spoke about the threat of Islamic State and how it had affected everyday lives. Joseph Valu, 15, recalled the day 800 police descended on the homes of young terror suspects.“When that ISIS thing happened, my mum called me three times. She was like, ‘Come home. Now’. She told me to be careful.”

Run by the interfaith Together for Humanity Foundation, this is the kind of cross-cultural program those with long experience in combating extremism and social alienation say works.

Craig Laundy, federal MP for Reid, which takes in swaths of Sydney’s ethnically diverse western suburbs, is pushing for the government to fund the program more widely using a pool set aside for the counter-radicalisation programs, which are unpopular among many Muslim leaders.

“We don’t acknowledge each other by what makes us different, we identify what unites us,” Mr Laundy says. “This is a perfect ¬example of how we as a federal government should work with people with great ideas.”

Rabbi Zalman Kastel, who runs Together for Humanity, spoke to the children about the deadly ¬attack in a Jerusalem synagogue this week. “If I didn’t know these guys,” he says, gesturing to his Muslim friends, “I would probably feel very distant because of the stuff that happens overseas. “But because of these connections I’m able to continue to be friends with these guys because we’ve got nothing to do with things happening thousands of kilometres away.” He met one of the co-ordinators of the cross-¬cultural program, Emad Elkheir, after the Cronulla riots.

Mr Elkheir — now a community engagement co-ordinator with the Giants — was then a 17-year-old at Granville Boys and took part in a similar program. “I guess you could say of September 11 … It was a disgusting event, but it woke up those that were sleeping.”

“Being Labelled” and Choice. Blood Red Esau & Truthful/Underhanded Jacob

Labels and roles

Growing up as a Chasidic Rabbi's middle child eager to be a good boy and a good student as well as being a bit more in my head than my body led me to think of myself in this way. Perhaps this helped me do the right thing or it made me timid. An example of this is the fact that I would always play black in chess, preferring to react to the other player rather than take the lead. I also remember the hurt, when my sweet Grandfather casually observed that it was easy to find me in a crowded synagogue, because I was the one with my shirt not tucked into my pants. I was the spiritual-Torah-oriented-unworldly good guy, to some extent I still am. What follows is an exploration of the interplay between labels, roles and the lives we live. 

Taciturn-Hunter-Outdoors-man and the Truthful-Wholesome-Indoors-man

Isaac's twin boys, get bigger (turn 13) and their identities emerge strongly. The red haired and/or skinned Esau, becomes “a man who is a knower of trapping/hunting, a man of the field”, Jacob, “a man, Tam, simple¹/wholesome, sitting in tents²”. The knowing-trapping, can mean simply a hunter, but is also associated with deceiving his father³, trapping women from their husbands through seduction or by force⁴, and strangely a quiet man⁵ while his being a man of the field is even interpreted to hint at his being a “killer of souls (in the field) as he killed king Nimrod and his son”⁶. The word Tam which describes Jacob, is the same word that describes the simple son at the Passover Seder. It can mean “One not expert in all these things, as is in his heart so is his mouth”, one who is complete, unable to lie and even monogamous⁷.

The labels are jarring for those of us immersed in a world view that values self esteem, frowns on typecasting children and seeks to see good in everyone.

Jacobs “truth”?

Jacob's Mr. Truth identity, sits uncomfortably with his impersonation of his brother and deception of his father to score blessings, his unusual deal making and breeding practices with Laban's sheep⁸ and finally setting up an arrangement with his brother to travel slowly then to see him in Seir⁹ which he had no intention of following through with in his life time.

Esau – good potential?

Esau, would seem to have no chance. His characterization as being born red, is understood to be astrologically related to “Mazal Maadim”, literally red-luck, relating to the planet Mars, which is a strong predictor for blood shed. In fact our sages tell us that if someone is born under that star they should become a Shochet – ritual slaughterer to channel their blood spilling nature. There is the rub, while there are elements of our nature that could be bad, they don't need to be. Esau is encouraged by his father to hunt for food and channel the harsher elements of his nature. In fact our tradition sees Esau as being outstanding in his honoring his father, Rabbi Shimon Ben Gamliel going so far as “all my days I would serve my father, but I have not served even 1/100^th as well as Esau served his father¹⁰. R. Shimon explains that while he would serve his parents in dirty clothes but change into clean clothes when going to the market, Esau would put on his nicest clothes to serve his father as a mark of respect. 

Strange Love?- like father like son

Esau who seen as a villain in Jewish tradition, manages to earn at least one of his parents' love, Isaac loved Esau, because he brought game to his mouth, and Rebbecca loves Jacob. Going beyond the simple meaning that Esau simply bribed his father, we are told that “every type loves his type”^11. I wonder if this similarity can be partly explained by their both being men of few words, following the commentary above that Esau was a “quiet man”, the word count for Isaac's “speaking parts” is 29 words for his life, except for his dying day (compared to Abraham's 436 words – apart from the last episode in his life story). This fits with the idea that Isaac represented “Gevura” which literally means strength but relates to judgment, harshness but also restraint. This essential nature could have been channeled to positive ends, Esau could not be a Jacob but he could be a brilliant Esau.

Straight shooter learns new tricks

Jacob the man of truth, does a fair bit of deception when he deals with the real world. In fact, he learns the skills of cheating to the extent that he declares, “if Laban comes for swindling than I am also his brother in swindling, but if he is a Kosher man...”

Reluctant Deceiver- hoping to get caught

The puzzle of why Jacob pretends to be Esau is dealt with Brilliantly by S.R. Hirsh. Still, how could Jacob be held up as representing truth? Curiously, when Jacob says to his mother perhaps my father will discover my ruse¹², the word is used is Ulai, the more obvious word would be Pen which means lest. This is interpreted as Jacob hoping he would be caught¹³. The Midrash comments on the fact that Jacob is dressed by his mother with the hairy costume¹⁴ (Jacob) went, took and brought it to his mother, forced, bowed and crying”.¹⁵ Perhaps Jacob is the man of the truth, because he fought to maintain truth and integrity like no other, with the result not always pretty.

Liberation in surrender?

I think the key here is about choice, while we do not choose the essential elements of our character which perhaps we are born with and that we absorb from our surroundings, we choose how to manage these elements. As Jacob later wrestles with Esau's guardian angel, the angel asks him what is your name?- what is your nature? “Jacob”, he replies. He owns up to the truth about himself 'I am the supplanter, the underhanded one'¹⁶. The angel tells him his name is no longer Jacob, but Israel. The champion who strives and struggles with men and the Godly and wins. By recognizing his own nature and admitting it, he is able to transcend it, at least for that moment, only to fall back into old patterns, and rise again. Oh, and more recently I have begun to play the white side in chess, at least some of the time.

1Rashi.

2Genesis 25:27

3Rashi, Midrash Tanchuma

4Klai Yakar

5Targum Yonatan Ben Uziel as interpreted by Pirush Yonatan in Mikraot Gedolot, Genesis 25:27

6Targum Yonatan Ben Uziel

7Rashi, Targum Yonatan Ben Uziel, Klai Yakar respectively.

8Genesis 30:29

9Genesis 33:14

10Devarim Rabba 1, Yalkut Shimoni

11Zohar- in Artscroll Genesis VolII, page 1011

12Genesis 27:12

13Haksav Vkaballa in Artscroll Genesis VolII, page 1025

14Genesis 27:17

15Beresheet Rabba, Toldot, 65

16Insight taught to be by Donna Jacobs Sife, also in Nechama Liebowitz who cites unnamed others