Ok Being Small and the Glory of Being Large

 Last Friday, I shifted from feeling “small” to the state of “largeness”. The great Hasidic master, the Baal Shem Tov, taught: “Each person exists in two modes, smallness and largeness, and we can shift into largeness through joy and laughter.”[i] I was feeling small on Friday because of a mistake I made that caused me to feel really flat. Then, after a Shabbat dinner that included laughter and joy, with my adult sons and daughters-in-law who I am visiting in New York, my spirits lifted. As pleasing as this shift was, it showed me that we need to embrace both smallness and greatness.

Jacob in the Torah is an example of the two modes. The very name, Jacob, is symbolic of smallness and “lowliness.”[ii] The name was given to him as a baby because of his desperate gesture during his birth of holding on to the heel of his older twin, Esau.[iii] This hanging on to his brother’s heel was symbolic of his desperate attempt to prevent his senior twin from getting the status of being the firstborn.

The name “Jacob” is linked to being in states of sadness, sighing, worry and powerlessness,[iv] or being prone to such feelings.

Jacob was frightened of meeting his brother Esau[v] who held a grudge against him. Jacob was distressed when his wives criticised him for his fear and lack of faith.[vi] The criticism stung Jacob as he was already distressed internally.[vii] He had a really bad feeling about the fact that he was afraid.[viii] This is often the case when we are feeling low; we feel bad about feeling bad. Jacob declared in his prayer: “I became small, because of all your kindnesses.”[ix]  When Jacob ruminated on his status, his possible deficiencies[x] and how much kindness God had given him, he felt qualitatively[xi] “small” and undeserving.

I am in “Jacob mode” when I am feeling cautious, guarded, self-conscious, self-critical and evaluating myself or feeling a little inferior. It is not a pleasant state.

Jacob was liberated from this mode by Esau’s angel[xii] with whom he wrestled and beat[xiii]. Unlike Jacob’s previous conflicts – with Esau[xiv] and Laban[xv]- when he fled, this time he stayed and faced it. The angel told Jacob that his name would change to Israel (which means “prevailed with God”) because of his victory over one of God’s angels.

It feels great to be an “Israel”. It is a state of confidence where achievement feels effortless[xvi] and it is tempting to think that being in that mode all the time is the right way to be. It is not.

To get to be in “Israel” mode, one must first be in a “Jacob” state[xvii].  One does not get to the “zone” without the prior hard work and struggle over time to grapple with many challenges, and only after much toil does one sail through, apparently effortlessly, to achieve great things.

According to the psychotherapist, Alfred Adler, feelings of inferiority are “stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth. If it is not used in the wrong way.”[xviii] It is a feeling of wanting to be more and achieve more.  

Even once we get to that confident powerful place of being Israel, it does not last long. It is compared to being the Sabbath mode[xix], a beautiful state that lasts for one day per week before we return to the toil of the weekdays.

When I consider the fact that being in some form smallness/Jacob mode is a normal part of life, I realise that to be most effective in the struggles of life it helps to embrace them, rather than resist them. Count the blessings that are still present even in times of struggle, and find opportunities to be joyful and laugh to temporarily shift to the state of an enlarged spirit, before returning to the beautiful challenge of being a flawed human doing good. As the late Stella Cornelius used to say, “some great things were achieved by people who were not feeling so good that day" (xx). 

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[i] Baal Shem Tov on the Torah, a collection of quotes of the Baal Shem Tov

[ii] Ohr Hachayim on Genesis 47:28 and others

[iii] Genesis 25:26

[iv] Ohr Hachayim on Genesis 47:28

[v] Genesis

[vi] Ner Hachschalim manuscript, cited in Torah Shlaima, on Beresheet, p. 1266, Midrash Yelamdenu,

[vii] Chemdat Hayamim, cited in Torah Shlaima, on Beresheet, p. 1267, Midrash Yelamdenu,

[viii] Ha’Emek Davar

[ix] Genesis 32:11

[x] Bamidbar Rabba, 19:32

[xi] Mizrahi, Rabbi Eliyahu Mizrahi, on Genesis 32:11

[xii] Midrash Rabba

[xiii] Gensis 32:25-30

[xiv] Genesis 28:7

[xv] Genesis 31:21

[xvi] Likutei Torah on Balak

[xvii] Likutei Torah ibid

[xviii] Kishimi, I, Koga, F. (2017), The Courage To Be Disliked, Allen and Unwin, p.59

[xix] Likutei Torah

Fear, doubt and “the Muslims” Vayishlach

Photo by Nasrul Ekram,
https://www.flickr.com/photos/inrime_nasrul/
reproduced under creative commons
license 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Late one evening this week, I received yet another Facebook private message expressing hostility towards Muslims and Islam. This kind of hostility is often driven by fear, a combination of healthy self-preservation instincts given the terrible deeds of some, and misunderstanding due to an absence of meaningful contact with Muslim people. More generally, fear in peoples’ lives may be driven by self-doubt. In cultures that value confidence, feeling afraid can make one feel ashamed; hostility can serve as a more acceptable mask.

As he traveled home to the land of his birth, the Biblical Jacob became afraid and distressed about his brother Esau coming toward him with 400 men.  His fear was of being killed in an attack but his distress is interpreted as relating to the prospect of him killing his attackers.1 Yet that interpretation is questioned by other scholars who ask why Jacob should be distressed about killing assailants in self-defence? 2 I find this second line of commentary disturbing. Surely the prospect of “spilling blood”, destroying the priceless treasure that is every human being, is distressing to the spirit! 3 Fear about our safety due to the threat of terrorism, and acceptance of the need for defensive measures, should never be allowed to overcome our humanity, to blur our sense of right and wrong toward innocent people - including Muslims.

An alternative suggestion is that Jacob was distressed because he was grappling with two opposing arguments about killing his attackers. On the one hand, he had been promised protection by God which rendered him invincible; as his life would not be in danger, killing his assailants could not be justified based on concern for his own survival.  On the other hand, however, he might have sinned and in consequence lost God’s protection, in which case his life would be in danger and he would be justified in killing to defend it.4 

A related interpretation finds reason for his distress in the mouths of his wives.  “If you are afraid, why did you take us out of our father’s house? Rather you should trust in the ‘shade of your Creator’ who told you to return to the land of your fathers”. Immediately, “Jacob felt afraid of the external threat of attack by his brother and distressed internally because of the criticism of his wives”.5   Their words seem to have stung because he felt ashamed of his doubt. I feel for him.

All the above discussion assumes the possibility of a credible threat.  In an alternative authoritative interpretation Jacob had received a report from his scouts that in fact his brother Esau was approaching with 400 men to honour Jacob. The scouts reported that the delegation was motivated by Esau’s joy about Jacob’s return and his love for his brother. Yet Jacob disregarded the report of his own fact-finding and goodwill mission because he didn’t believe the evidence. He was so afraid because he clung to his prejudgment about Esau’s evil intentions.6 The intelligence from the scouts seems to have been proven correct, however, when Esau ran toward Jacob, hugged him, kissed him and cried when they met.7  Our response to perceived threats should respect evidence, or the absence of evidence, and be proportionate.

Fear and doubt are reasonable and natural reactions to threats of violence and the horrible deeds we have lately heard about, read about and seen on film. In one sense, it is unreasonable to feel ashamed of this fear. Yet some sense of shame can also be useful; it challenges us when we think we are letting ourselves down. When confronted with fear of the other, or with ourselves and when confronted with self-doubt, it is a good time to pray, to take some time alone 8 and to wrestle with the feelings, the facts and our faith. Jacob did that and emerged a champion.9   

Notes

1 Bereshit Rabba 76, cited in Rashi

2 Mizrahi on Genesis 32:8, Beer Basadeh, written by 19th century Bosnian Jewish scholar Rabbi Meir Danon

3 Kasher, R. Menachem, in Torah Shlaima p. 1267, note 50, follows the tradition about God silencing the song of the angels during the splitting of the sea because his Egyptian “creations were drowning”

4 Beer Basadeh on Genesis 32:8

5 Ner Haschalim, manuscript cited in Torah Shlaima p. 1266, 50

6 Rashbam Genesis 32:7, Bchor Shor offers a similar but less definite approach. In his view the scouts report that they came back and they don’t know what is in Esau’s mind, wether for good or bad because he didn’t respond to their questions, instead he said I will go to him and speak with him, “mouth to mouth”. 

7 Genesis 33:4, although one would think this evidence settles the argument about Esau’s good will, it does not. There is an argument in the Sifre cited in Rashi about Esau’s sincerity. One view asserts that in that moment he kissed him with his whole heart with another view that in fact it was done with his whole heart.  

8 Genesis 32:25

9 Genesis 32:29

Bigger than that! Jacob mode vs interfaith embrace and the inner Jihad of Yisrael

An edited version of my speech at the Together For Humanity Interfaith dinner, 30 Nov 2014. 

Jacob, the grandson of Abraham, was afraid of his own brother Esau (1). It is the same today: Australians fear their fellow Australians. 

Jacob offered a heartfelt prayer, “Save me, please, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau, for I fear him, lest he come and strike me, (and my family too) a mother and children”.

The dreaded moment arrived. Jacob met his brother Esau, who, because of an event in another time and another place, hated him.  Jacob bowed respectfully to his brother seven times (2).

“Esau ran toward him and embraced him, and he fell on his neck and kissed him, and they cried”.  We, Australians, need to meet our fellow Australian brothers and sisters respectfully to address the fear and embrace one another.

Before Jacob was to meet his brother, there was some internal work he needed to do, late at night, when he was “alone” (3). This is illustrated in an encounter he had with a “man”, who is said to be the guardian angel of his brother Esau (4). Jacob intended to run away from the encounter with his brother, but the angel was sent to prevent this. Jacob needed to show up and see that he would not be harmed (5).  With his escape cut off, Jacob wrestled with the angel. He asked his brother’s guardian angel to agree with his side of the argument (6). “Bless me,” (7) he pleaded, as if to say ‘tell me that I am right and my brother is wrong’.

The angel asked Jacob, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he replied.
The angel declared, “No more will your name be said as Jacob!” (8) The name Jacob means the one who holds others back, who plays a petty game, trying to prove that his/her group “are really the good ones”. “No!” the angel insisted, as if to say ‘it is time for you to embrace a bigger vision about who you are. Your new name, your new identity, is now Yisrael, the one who strives with God, who succeeds in an inner struggle/jihad in matters of the spirit and with men. You have a great purpose as the father of the Bnai Yisrael, (Banei Yisrael), to spread belief in God and promote righteousness.

Greg Barton, an Anglican Professor and expert on radicalisation, told me recently that, as he reads the story, Jacob had a cognitive opening. His thinking expanded. This is exactly what Australians of many backgrounds need. We need our thinking expanded. We need to be bigger - not allow our fears or the failings of some to define us or one another. We need to get to know the other as the other truly is and can potentially be, by stretching out a hand of friendship and showing respect. This has been the work of Together For Humanity, with over 75,000 children across Australia, many of whom had never met a Muslim or a Jew before. These children have participated in Together For Humanity programs facilitated by a Christian, a Muslim, a Jew and sometimes others.

Of course, there are reasons for hate, fear or avoiding embracing each other. Things have happened, thousands of miles from here that are unjust. There are legitimate concerns for many of us. It is not racist to say so. Things also happen in Australia that worry us - words spoken and prejudice. People wonder and worry about what people “here” think about what is happening “there”. Do they condemn it? Do they agree with it? How strong is the commitment to coexistence “on the other side”? Are they sincere?

Mistrust has deep roots. Esau’s embrace, kiss and weeping with Jacob have also been questioned. Some commentary suggests that Esau intended to bite Jacob’s neck (9). Esau is portrayed as telling himself, “I will not kill Jacob, my brother, with arrows and a bow, but I will kill him with my mouth and suck his blood!” (10). However there are other traditions that teach that, in that moment, Esau kissed Jacob sincerely “with his whole heart” (11).

The debate rages on in the Torah. The next verse tells us that “Esau lifted up his eyes, saw the women and the children and asked who they were” (12). The words “he saw the women” are interpreted to have sexual connotations - “Cursed are the wicked, that even during a time of trouble, their (evil) desires rules them” (13). Commentary ascribes this kind of thinking to Jacob as well. His daughter, Dina, is completely absent from the narrative. Even when it explicitly lists Jacob's wives and his eleven sons (14), there is no mention of his daughter, Dina. According to the Midrash (commentary), “Jacob put Dina in a box and locked it”, to protect her from Esau. However, this fear is met with divine disapproval and given as a “reason” for Dina’s eventually ending up in a “forbidden marriage” (15) with Shchem, the local prince, who abducted and abused her (16).  The ambivalence lingers on, thousands of years later.

What I take from all of this, are three lessons: 1) Conflict transformation is possible. 2) It is not easy to overcome fear and suspicion. 3) There are often ambiguities and judgement calls, such as, ‘do we ignore the elephant in the room, Israel/Palestine, for example?’ ‘do we feed it and allow the problems half a world away to take over and destroy the bridges we have so carefully built here?’  

At the dinner, Sheikh Ahmed Abdo suggested that “it is time that we stopped building bridges and started walking across the bridges we have already built”. Together For Humanity in its thirteenth years is attempting to walk across these bridges. Our vision is to ensure that every child and every teacher experiences an opening of their mind and expanding of their spirit, so that no-one needs to be afraid, no-one will choose to hate any group and we all have a sense of belonging together.

וַיָּרָץ עֵשָׂו לִקְרָאתוֹ וַיְחַבְּקֵהוּ וַיִּפֹּל עַל צַוָּארָיו וַֹיִֹשָֹׁקֵֹהֹוֹּ וַיִּבְכּוּ

“Esau ran toward him and embraced him, and he fell on his neck and kissed him, and they cried”. We Australians need to meet our fellow Australians, our neighbours, our brothers and sisters, respectfully, to address the fear, and to embrace one another!

Notes:

1) Genesis 32:8
2) Genesis 33:3
3) Genesis 32:25
4) Beresheet Rabba 77
5) Rashbam on 32:23 & 25, Chizkuni on 32:25, this is similar to an angel being sent to stop Balaam on his journey to curse the Israelites which was also contrary to God’s will.
6) Rashi to Genesis 32:27, also in Midrash Aggada and Zohar part 1, 144 cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 1 p. 1284, footnote 136
7) Genesis 32:27
8) Genesis 32:28-29
9) Beresheet Rabba 78
10) Avot Drabbi Nathan, cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 1 p. 1302, footnote 16
11) Rabbi Shimon Ben Elazar in Beresheet Rabba 78
12) Genesis 33:5
13) Midrash Habiur from an ancient manuscript, cited in Torah Shlaima, vol. 1 p. 1302, 18
14) Genesis 32:23
15) Beresheet Rabba 76
16) Genesis 34

Appeasement

I hate confrontation.

I have no desire to argue with the airline that left my suitcase in Perth two days ago, now containing stinking spoiled Kosher hotdogs and “off” yoghurt that I bought for a Chabad Rabbi living in Adelaide. Or course, I should pluck up the courage and demand compensation for the damage caused by their incompetence.  It is surely problematic, in the grand scheme of things, to support the fight against the most evil but be too squeamish to fight ourselves[1]. I wonder what our tradition teaches us about appeasement vs. standing up and fighting. Some Jewish teachings for and against appeasement can be found in the case of Jacob’s humble or humiliating approach to his brother Esau[2], twenty years after having tricked their father to give him the blessings originally intended for Esau[3].

The Scene

Jacob had escaped to Haran when Easu’s thoughts turned to murdering him as soon as Isaac died[4]. Despite twenty years passing. Jacob was still afraid of Esau’s anger. He send messengers telling them exactly what to say to my master Esau. He is so keen to flatter Esau’s ego that he models subservience to his messengers[5], to be sure that the posture is absolutely clear to them[6]. By custom the first born was treated almost like a parent, when Jacob repeatedly refers to Esau as “my master” he implies that he completely relinquishes his claims to the right of the first born that Esau had sold him for a pot of lentils[7]. It brings to mind a snide comment about Jewish-Palestinian dialogue, “they accuse, we apologise”. My limited observations and experience of this dialogue is that it is about seeking to understand each others stories and experiences, yet the comment reflects the reluctance to give any ground in pursuit of positive relationships.

One View. “God: Jacob was wrong”

One classic source has God saying to Jacob “you lowered yourself by referring to Esau as my master eight times, by your life!, I will raise up 8 kings among the descendents of Esaue before your children will have any kings[8]. In another source[9]

 God is upset about Jacob’s submissiveness, because “I said the older will serve the younger”[10].  

Long Term Damage of Appeasement or Is that of Assertiveness?

A later commentary sees a sign of things to come in Jacobs’ deference to Esau for what would happen in subsequent generations. We began our own defeat by the Edom/Rome because of the Hasmonean kings seeking a pact with the Romans[11].

While seeking the favour of the Romans might have started our defeat. It was in fact the reckless, extremist, pedantic standing up to Rome that sealer our fate. One case related to the custom that when a boy was born they would plant a cedar tree and when a girl was born to plant a pine tree, and when they married, the tree was cut down and a canopy made of the branches. One day the daughter of the Emperor was passing when the shaft of her litter broke, so they lopped some branches off a cedar tree and brought it to her. The Jews thereupon fell upon them and beat them[12]. In another case, a sacrifice offering from the emperor was rejected on a technicality. In the end when the Romans laid siege to Jerusalem the guidance of the sage Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai was ignored, instead a desperate and futile battle was fought by tiny Judea against Rome[13].  

Alternative View

The same source that  brings us critical views of Jacob also offers an opposite perspective[14]. Rabbi Judah the President[15], said to his secretary Rabbi Efes, “write a letter from me to the master, the King Antoninus (Pius?[16]). So Efes wrote a letter and signed it from Judah the President to the Master King Antoninus. Rabbi Judah took the letter, read it and tore it up. “Write to the master, King Antoninus from Judah your servant”. Effes replied ,but Rabbi, why are you degrading your honour. Rabbi Judah told him, “how am I better than my grandfather (Jacob) who said so shall you say to my master Esau. Another source also praised Jacob’s humility[17].

The Argument continues in the Aftermath of a Bloodbath

The merits of assertiveness and even aggression vs. appeasement plays out even more dramatically after Jacob’s sons kill the whole city of Shchem in revenge for the rape of their sister Dina. Jacob is concerned about the repercussions of this violence, but his sons assert, “Should they make our sister into a prostitute?![18]”  Jacob is silent in the face of this emotive, battle cry retort. What was he supposed to say, “yes, I think it doesn’t matter that my daughter and your sister was raped”. Only years later at the end of Jacobs life does he curse their anger and show disapproval again about this episode[19].

Conclusion

The wisdom of the ages tells us that there are pitfalls with appeasement, yet there is also great wisdom in it. Neville Chamberlain’s portrait can hang on the walls of all war enthusiasts because of his role in discrediting appeasement. Yet, I would argue that not every trigger happy, evil, despotic nut-job is a Hitler. I guess, I should fight with the airline for my money, but more broadly, careful consideration of the pros and cons of each choice is needed.

“Everything has an appointed season, and there is a time for every matter under the heaven… A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break and a time to build… a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing... a time to keep and a time to cast away… a time to be silent and a time to speak…A time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace[20].

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[1] Judah L Magnes, a leading Pacifist during WWI. Wrote to Ghandi in 1939, “ I know I would pray with all my heart for the defeat of the Hitler inhumanity; and am I then to stand aside and let others do the fighting? During the last war I prayed for a peace without defeat or victory. The answer given by Romain Rolland in his little book Par la revolution la paix (1935), seems to be, that while he himself as an individual continues to refuse to bear arms, he will do everything he can to help his side (in this case, Russia) to win the war. That is hardly a satisfying answer.” http://www.gandhiserve.org/information/writings_online/articles/gandhi_jews_palestine.html#Letter from Judah L. Magnes to Gandhi, February 26, 1939

[2] Genesis 32:4-33:15

[3] Genesis 27

[4] Genesis 27:41, Esau either delayed his plan to kill Jacob out of his respect for his father, or perhaps did not want to repeat the mistake of Cain, who still had to split his inheritance despite the murder of Abel because their father had another son Seth. (Targum Yonatan Ben Uziel)

[5] Ramban

[6] Ibn Ezra

[7] Ramban

[8] Beresheet Rabba 75:2

[9] Daat Zekainim Mebaalei Hatosafot

[10] Genesis 25:23

[11] Ramban

[12] Talmud Gittin 57a

[13] http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/biography/ben_zakkai.html

[14] Beresheet Rabba 75

[15] often referred to as Rabbi Judah the prince, in Hebrew it is Rabbi Judah Hanasi, probably better translated as president than prince.

[16] “A. Mischcon, Abodah Zara, p.10a Soncino, 1988. Mischcon cites various sources, "SJ Rappaport... is of opinion that our Antoninus is Antoninus Pius." Other opinions cited suggest "Antoninus" was Caracalla, Lucius Verus or Alexander Severus”. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antoninus_Pius#cite_note-30

[17] Mishnat Rabbi Eliezer parsha 10, 182

[18] Genesis 34

[19] Genesis 49:5

[20] Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Shame, Pride & Striving: the case of Reuben Jacob-son

There seems to be a little of Prince Charles in the Torah's Reuben, in that he is destined for greatness¹ but never seems to get there. 

He is conceived, not in an act of love between his father and mother, but in a case of mistaken identity² in which his father loved his aunt Rachel and thought his mother was her sister.

Just after he is born his mother named him Reuben, which literally means “look (in the plural) a son!” Because she said, “because God saw my pain, as now my husband will love me³”. There seems to be something tragic in the only comment a mother makes about her baby son is about his potential to help her with her loveless marriage. Her desperation for Jacob's love and deep sadness about this is expressed in the names of her 2^nd, 3^rd and 6^th children born in Reuben's formative years, Shimon: “because God heard that I was hated”, Levi “now, this time my husband will be attached to me”, Zebulun, “this time my husband will dwell with me”.

His name is also interpreted as his mother declaring 'look at the difference between my son and the son of my father in law (eg. Esau, the son of Isaac)'. Esau sold his birthright (status of being first-born) to Jacob but then hated him, whereas my son had his birthright taken from his against his will and given to Joseph yet he was not jealous of him and on the contrary he sought to save him from his brothers⁴. While Leah takes pride in her sons moral character, it is stated in relation to his being her son as he compares with that of her father in law.

Reuben is next encountered bringing some type of plant called “Dudaiim⁵” (mandrakes or Jasmin) for his mother. One reason given for this offering was that Reuben saw that his mother was upset that she stopped giving birth (after her fourth child) so he brought his mother this plant which was believed to be either a fertility drug or an aphrodisiac⁶. The Dudaim, are requested by his aunt Rachel and leads to an argument between his mother and her sister. “is it a small matter, your taking my husband, now you will take these Dudaiim of my son⁷?” A deal is struck in which Jacob will sleep with Leah that night instead of Rachel. At what point does Reuben leave the scene?

Reuben's next big moment as the oldest of his brothers, one would assume, would come in the brother's response to the rape and abduction of their sister Dina. Jacob, takes a back seat to his sons who violently deal with their outrage about it. Reuben is not mentioned in this story, instead it is Shimon & Levi who lead and drive the terrible drama.

Instead, Reuben appears in a cryptic incident following Rachel's death and Jacob moving his bed from its permanent place in Rachel's tent to his concubine Bilha's tent. “When his father lived in that land, Reuben went and slept with Bilhah, his father's concubine”. There are arguments about whether this is to be taken literally⁸,  one view being that he merely interfered in the sexual life of Bilhah, by removing his fathers bed from her tent and putting it in his mother's tent to claim his mothers embarrassment as being a secondary wife. Other views are the Reuben merely put egg white on her Bilha's bed to make it appear that something more happened, but Jacob saw through the lie or alternatively that he slept in Bilha's bed⁹.

Reuben was filled with great remorse about whatever happened with Bilhah and fasted many fasts. This well intentioned fasting, leads to one of the saddest cries of Reuben's life. Biblical, Reuben, intends to save Joseph but does not challenge the 'group-think' of his brothers that Joseph must die. He works within the consensus, suggests a compromise, hoping to fix it later. He then goes off, occupied with his sackcloth and his fasting for the his sin (relating to Bilha/his father). Only to return to see that Joseph is gone. “and I, where will I come?” He will never feel at home again, haunted by his timid choice. (For anyone who read The Kite Runner, think of the deep shame and guilt of the main character).

In later years Reuben offers his two children should be killed if he fails to protect, Benjamin who is Rachel and Jacobs only remaining son. His offer is rebuffed by Jacob. It is interpreted as if Jacob is saying “an idiot of an oldest son he is, he says to kill his sons, are his children not my children?!”

In his last 'speaking part' in his life's tragic drama, Reuben castigates his brothers for selling Joseph “did I not say to you, do not sin with the boy and you did not listen, and now his blood is being demanded (we are being held accountable for it)”. He might have wanted to say that, it seems clear that he certainly meant to say that, but he did not quite tell them that. Compare his record of what he told them with his actual words at the time, “let us not kill his soul, do not spill his blood, throw him into this pit in the desert (filled with snakes and scorpions¹⁰) but do not send send your hand against him”.

On his fathers death bed, he is criticized for his impulsiveness and the incident with Bilha.

For me, there are three elements. There is something here about the damaging effect of excess shame and guilt. Reuben would have been more use to Joseph, if he beat himself up a bit less, believed that God has forgiven him out of His abundant forgiveness and lived more joyously¹¹. Leah's almost tragic focus on her terrible situation makes me think more about Jacob's and men's responsibility than hers. I can barely imagine what it would be like for a woman in a polygamous relationship to feel unloved by her husband. There is clearly a message here about men communicating and nurturing a loving relationship, as our tradition warns men about the significance of the tears of a woman. How this would apply to women, I will leave for female scholars to articulate.

Finally the story is about Reuben's inherent decency in spite of his failures and flaws. Not all of us need to be the hero in some real life adaptation of a Hollywood movie, 'riding in to the town on horseback having shot up all the baddies'. Not every life, is about a man overcoming his inhibitions to find greatness and glory. What matters more is recognizing our own flaws and striving to correct them, but also manage and contain them and the sadness and shame they evoke within us and just be a decent human being. In this Reuben succeeds.

1Midrash Beresheet Rabba chap 99.

2Based on Rashi on Beresheet 49:2, Beresheet Rabbah, Zohar, Bereshith, Section 1, Page 176a, cited by Rabbi Ari Kahn, http://rabbiarikahn.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=69:reuven&catid=41:vayishlach&Itemid=56 .

3Beresheet, 29:32

4Talmud, Berachot 7b.

5http://www.dudaim.org/ for more about this plant and opportunity to buy dried Dudaim seeds.

6Seforo

7Beresheet 30:15

8Talmud, Shabbat 55a.

9Tosaphot, Hadar Zekainim, quoting Midrash, and a manuscript of Rokeach both cited in Torah Shelaima, Beresheet p1360-1361.

10Rashi

11Tanya Chapter 1 & 26.