Belonging and Difference Vayerah

On Wednesday night I listened to Ian Thorpe speak at a dinner in aid of my brother’s charity, the Jewish House. Ian talked about his experience as a world record breaking Olympic champion swimmer, who also struggled with mental health challenges. He gave a riveting account of the mental struggle to win an Olympic swimming race in the last few seconds after being behind. But more importantly, he touched on his experiences of coming out both as gay and as someone suffering depression.

Mr Thorpe did not elaborate on his experience of coming out. However, the need for acceptance by people we care about and a feeling of belonging among them, is so important to all of us. As I explored the Torah reading this week I learned that Abraham was also concerned about his social ties. Abraham had been instructed to circumcise himself as a sign of a covenant between him and God. However he was concerned that this act “would set him apart from his generation, in his skin and flesh. This might lead to him not being able to welcome guests anymore as they would stay away from him…” (1) This surprised me a little, because I had the impression of Abraham as the Iconoclastic outsider - champion of monotheism is a world of polytheism - who embraced his “otherness” (2).

On Thursday morning, I reflected on my experienced at the dinner where I sat among some 1000, mostly Jewish guests, who were there in aid of the Jewish House’s services for people in crisis, such as homelessness, mental illness, and domestic violence. While I on the same page as the crowd last night regarding support for the needy, I wonder how many of them agree with my interfaith work. When it comes to that aspect of me, do I fully belong? It is useful for me to keep in mind that Abraham combined otherness in pursuit of his vision and principles with caring about being connected to his community. Indeed, at the end of the night, one guest shared with me her belief in the spiritual validity of my work with people of other faiths. 

The combination of being accepted and being true to oneself is not always easy. A choice one needs to make is whether to hide some parts of ourselves or "come out". Abraham consulted his friends about the merits of going public about his next step in otherness and decided he would publicize his decision to circumcise himself  (3).

The flip side of this is accepting that sometimes there are communities that won’t accept you and might not even be worth belonging in. Abraham’s nephew, Lot, sought to integrate with the xenophobic society of Sodom. (In Jewish tradition, the wickedness of Sodom was primarily expressed in their cruelty to visitors or poor outsiders). Lot appeared to succeed when he was appointed as a judge by the Sodomites (4). This thin veneer of acceptance of Lot by Sodom fell away quickly when Lot showed his commitment to hospitality. An angry mob of Sodomites reminded Lot that he was an alien and threatened him (5).

It is not easy to accept the fact that some social connections are not working and one needs to move on. Lot was instructed by angels to leave Sodom before it would be destroyed and take him down with them. Yet, Lot hesitated, and had to be dragged out of Sodom (6). Lot and his wife were warned not to look back (7). It is important not to ruminate about what might have been. However the separation from Sodom was difficult for Lot’s wife and she turned back, perhaps in sadness about those left behind (8). The consequence of turning back for Lot’s wife is that she was instantly turned into a pillar of salt (9). 

It is entirely appropriate to seek closeness with one’s communities, even if there is not a perfect value alignment, but there are times when separateness is appropriate. In those cases, it is ok to be sad, but it is important “not to look back”.

Notes

1)     Toras Hachida, Vayera 5, p. 103, based on Midrash Rabba

2)     See Likutei Likburim by the 6th Lubavitcher Rebbe, R. YY Schneerson, who talked about the concept of Ivri as one is on the “other side” to the rest of society

3)     Toras Hachida, ibid

4)     Rashi to Genesis 19:1, based on Bereshit Rabba 50:3

5)     Genesis 19:9, as interpreted by Sacks, J. (2009) Covenant and Conversation, Maggid, Jerusalem, p. 112-114

6)     Genesis 19:16

7)     Genesis 19:17

8)     Pirkei de-Rabbi Eliezer 25,  in Torah Shlaima, 145, p. 812

9)     Genesis 19:26

Uncompromising Approach to Values Conflict and Solidarity Lech Lcha

“There is nothing cozy, huggy and smiley about peace...” Terrorism survivor- turned peace maker, Gill Hicks told me with steel and restrained fury in her voice [1]. Gill is a double amputee who lost both legs in the London bombing and has made heroic efforts to build peace. It is necessary to face the hard realities of living with difference. 

This week, at a mountain-side Catholic school retreat, 150 teenagers and the Together For Humanity team explored some of the uncomfortable aspects of living with diversity. Participants, in groups of 8, were challenged to lower a thin long stick that rested on their outstretched fingers. Many failed to complete the task that required them to be completely in sync with their peers. When reflecting on their failure, students suggested that it was the differences in height or ways of thinking that was the reason they couldn’t complete the task. One student suggested a harsh solution: to simply remove those who were out of step with the rest of the team. It would be tempting to dismiss that option, but I would prefer to explore it instead.

I told the students that only an hour earlier I was reading the Torah. Abraham acted according to the students’ suggestion when he chose separation in response to conflict [2]. The shepherds employed by Abraham and his nephew got into a values based argument about grazing their sheep on others’ properties. Lot’s (Lut) people, presumably taking their cue from their boss [3], valued maximising wealth over ethical concerns but Abraham’s employees prioritised avoiding theft [4].  Abraham could have managed the conflict and reduced its intensity, but he wanted to avoid even the low level of tension that would inevitably remain [5]. For this reason Abraham parted ways from Lot. This separation from Lot was very upsetting to Abraham [6]. Lot was Abraham’s nephew, and when Lot was orphaned he became like a step son to Abraham [7]. 

Despite the fact that, sometimes, apparent values conflict is a function of prejudice, this is not always the case. In some cases the conflict is actually caused by an accurate understanding of the other! Our values are formed in our own cultural context and function as a set of norms that enable members of the group to get along [8]. Rapid migration and social change coupled with conservative pushback against change leads to people being confronted with strongly held divergent values and norms. For Abraham, it was only when he was free from the spiritually stifling presence of Lot that his spiritual capacity was restored and he was able to receive prophecy [9].

During our program at the retreat, my Muslim colleague, Mrs Calisha Bennet, talked with the students about situations where she as a Muslim woman is meets men and is expected to shake his hand. While some orthodox Jews and Muslims choose to shake hands despite traditions in both faiths to the contrary, for Calisha this is a matter of being authentic and true to her principles.  She explained that she chooses not to compromise her principles, instead opting for sensitively putting her hand on her heart in greeting, feeling empathy for the man with his rejected extended hand and sharing the awkwardness experienced by the aborted handshake.

Michaela Launerts, a teacher at the retreat told us that she shifted from her previous support for constraints on free speech to avoid causing offense to now prioritising robust dialogue about our differences. Michaela pointed out how we live in an age of ‘outrage culture’ where every deviation from one’s own norms is met with howls of indignation, and attempts to shut down opposing views. Instead, Michaela suggested that we should sit with the discomfort for a while and try to understand our opponents perspectives. She insists that most of the things that are important in life involve conflict and robust discussion. Any kind of growth requires one to be challenged, theologically, politically and philosophically.  

In spite of the need to face values conflict, it is vital that there is solidarity between communities. Peace depends on goodwill being shown toward those who believe differently and have divergent values. Returning to the story of Abraham, we see that despite Lot’s rejection of Abraham’s norms and his way [10] when Lot needs help and is taken captive in a war Abraham took up arms to rescue him [11].

As neighbours we must care about each other’s pain and do our part to alleviate suffering, regardless of our disagreements. This sometimes feels wonderful, but this warm feeling is an occasional bonus in this work. We must also show up for the awkward moments. Denial of disagreement is a fragile basis for coexistence. Forced unions can be oppressive and draining. This can be seen in toxic marriages, workplaces and political parties. In those cases emulating Abraham’s offer to Lot – if you go right, I will go left, if you left I will go right – would be far more productive and healthy, provided that communities are always there for each other despite our differences.

Notes

1 https://youtu.be/_MtmLFtb5WM

2 Genesis 13:5-14

3 Genesis 13:10-13, Lot’s observation regarding the fertile nature of the Sodom area appear more important to him than the fact that the Sodomites were very sinful.  

4 Rashi on Genesis 13:7

5 Toras Hachida, Genesis, Lech Lcha, 32, p. 75, 

6 Toras Hachida, Genesis, Lech Lcha, 36, p. 77, see also Ohr Hachayim to Genesis 12:1

7 Genesis 11:27-28, 12:4

8 Greene, J. (2014) Moral Tribes, Emotion, Reason And The Gap Between Us And Them, Atlantic Books, London

9 Rashi to 13:14

10 Rashi to Genesis 13:11

11 Genesis 14:12-16

Painful Thoughts of a Boy-Man - Noah 2019

Image by Ilona Ilyés  https://pixabay.com/users/ilyessuti-3558510/

I watched a video of a most compelling and haunting piece of music by Amir Dadon and Shuli Rand that expresses the pain of being bombarded by the words - in our thoughts -that keep coming back at us. “Enough!” they cry. For me, it is the waves of rumination and anxiety that often shame me and drain my energy for living. One theme is the question: Am I “man” enough or a little boy? 

They say: “Just because I am paranoid, doesn’t mean they are not after me (1) .” My fear is partly driven by the daunting nature of my work on interfaith/diversity education and the real limitations of my abilities. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. However, while on one level I know that I am good enough and capable of contributing, my brain is wired to conflate irrational insecurities and self-doubt with real challenges. 

This week’s Torah reading tells the story of Noah, who, according to one tradition, vainly tried to influence his financially (2) and sexually exploitative (3) , wicked generation to mend their ways, and to warn them that their behaviour would lead to their destruction (4) . His generation ridiculed him (5) and rejected his message (6) , and were ultimately wiped out in a terrible flood. 

After the catastrophic flood, Noah emerged from the ark drank himself into oblivion (7) and disgraced himself. This story correctly shows how drugs like alcohol can be destructive. It is also an intriguing example of  numbing pain through wine, drugs or the sugar hits we get from being on our mobile phones. This is not simple. Abuse survivor and self-confessed drug addict, Tara Schultz, argues that “it is adversity, [including her undertreated mental health situation] not drug addiction”, that is at the heart of the matter for people like her (8).

What led the great Noah to drink? Perhaps he struggled with survivor guilt (9) or the shame of his failure to prevent the horror of the destruction of the world as he knew it. Or, perhaps Noah was caught up in the painful boy/man conundrum. One tradition suggests that Noah was like a little boy, whose dad needed to hold his hand, as the Torah states: God “walked Noah (10) ” (Not a typo, this is the most accurate way to convey the feel of the Hebrew text). It is  not helpful to infer from this that seeking support is a fault. There is no shame in needing support. In fact Noah is praised, in another interpretation of the same verse, for his humility (11) .  

Perhaps the Midrashic comparison of Noah to a boy suggests that Noah himself felt (unnecessarily) inadequate, and like ‘a little boy’ for being so dependent on God’s constant support (12) . If this is the case, it might explain the fact that Noah is silent and appears quite passive in the text that introduces the flood (13) . Noah is said to have been afraid of engaging with the sinners of his time in case he might be influenced by the sinners rather than deterring them from evil (14). We see that harsh self-criticism and an excessively low self-concept can severely limit our capacity to achieve our potential and contribute (15).

According to the mystics, our relentless waves of worry -represented by the flood - requires an escape into prayer, represented by Noah’s ark. If we access spiritual support, we can be safe from the destructive deluge of these thoughts. Furthermore, the worries, themselves, now seen in perspective, can motivate us to greater achievement - symbolised by the fact that the ark was lifted higher by the waves (16).

  

I know and embrace the fact that I am child-like in some ways. I  worry sometimes and need reassurance -  to be “held” emotionally by a supportive parent, mentor, colleague or friend. This is nothing to be ashamed of. I am also an adult, a man, who can respectfully, assertively, confidently, humbly and gently make a contribution to the cause I have dedicated my life to. As the Marist Brothers say, I can do this with a “strong mind and gentle heart”. 

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^[1] Joseph Heller, in Catch-22

^[2] Genesis 6:11

^[3] Genesis 6:2

^[4] Prikey Drabbi Eliezer 25, cited in Torah Shlaima Noach, 150, p.398

^[5] Midrash

^[6] Midrash Tanchua, cited in Torah Shlaima Noach, 168, p.401

^[7] Genesis 9:20-21

^[8] https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-10-27/australia-talks-tara-schultz-drugs-abuse-welfare-quarantine/11639602

^[9] Sacks, J. (2009) Covenant and Conversation, Genesis p.46

^[10] Bereshis Rabba 30:9-10, based on Genesis 6:9

^[11] Midrash Hagadol, in Torah Shlaima 140, p. 395

^[12] The approach to Midrash has been discussed in Nehama Leibovitz’s works

^[13] Sacks, J. (2009) Covenant and Conversation, Genesis p. 45

^[14] Etz Yosef on  Bereshis Rabba 30:9-10

^[15] The Previous Lubavitcher Rebbe, R. YY. Schneerson, in principles of education and guidance, 10.

^[16] Torah Ohr, Noah