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I watched a video of a most compelling and
haunting piece of music by Amir Dadon and Shuli Rand that expresses the pain of
being bombarded by the words - in our thoughts -that keep coming back at us. “Enough!”
they cry. For me, it is the waves of rumination and anxiety that often shame me
and drain my energy for living. One theme is the question: Am I “man” enough or
a little boy?
They say: “Just
because I am paranoid, doesn’t mean they are not after me (1) .”
My fear is partly driven by the daunting nature of my work on
interfaith/diversity education and the real limitations of my abilities. We all
have our strengths and weaknesses. However, while on one level I know that I am
good enough and capable of contributing, my brain is wired to conflate
irrational insecurities and self-doubt with real challenges.
This week’s Torah reading
tells the story of Noah, who, according to one tradition, vainly tried to
influence his financially (2) and sexually exploitative (3) ,
wicked generation to mend their ways, and to warn them that their behaviour
would lead to their destruction (4) .
His generation ridiculed him (5) and rejected his message (6) ,
and were ultimately wiped out in a terrible flood.
After the catastrophic
flood, Noah emerged from the ark drank himself into oblivion (7) and disgraced himself. This story correctly shows how drugs like alcohol can be
destructive. It is also an intriguing example of numbing pain through wine, drugs or the sugar
hits we get from being on our mobile phones. This is not simple. Abuse survivor
and self-confessed drug addict, Tara Schultz, argues that “it is adversity, [including her undertreated mental health situation] not drug addiction”, that is at the
heart of the matter for people like her (8).
What led the great Noah to
drink? Perhaps he struggled with survivor guilt (9) or
the shame of his failure to prevent the horror of the destruction of the world
as he knew it. Or, perhaps Noah was caught up in the painful boy/man conundrum.
One tradition suggests that Noah was like a little boy, whose dad needed to
hold his hand, as the Torah states: God “walked Noah (10) ” (Not a typo, this is the most accurate way to convey the feel of the Hebrew text).
It is not helpful to infer from this that
seeking support is a fault. There is no shame in needing support. In fact Noah
is praised, in another interpretation of the same verse, for his humility (11) .
Perhaps the Midrashic comparison of Noah to a
boy suggests that Noah himself felt (unnecessarily) inadequate, and like ‘a
little boy’ for being so dependent on God’s constant support (12) .
If this is the case, it might explain the fact that Noah is silent and appears
quite passive in the text that introduces the flood (13) .
Noah is said to have been afraid of engaging with the sinners of his time in
case he might be influenced by the sinners rather than deterring them from evil (14).
We see that harsh self-criticism and an excessively low self-concept can
severely limit our capacity to achieve our potential and contribute (15).
According to the mystics,
our relentless waves of worry -represented by the flood - requires an escape
into prayer, represented by Noah’s ark. If we access spiritual support, we can
be safe from the destructive deluge of these thoughts. Furthermore, the worries,
themselves, now seen in perspective, can motivate us to greater achievement - symbolised
by the fact that the ark was lifted higher by the waves (16).
I know and embrace the fact that I am
child-like in some ways. I worry
sometimes and need reassurance - to be
“held” emotionally by a supportive parent, mentor, colleague or friend. This is nothing to be ashamed of. I am also an adult, a man, who
can respectfully, assertively, confidently, humbly and gently make a
contribution to the cause I have dedicated my life to. As the Marist Brothers
say, I can do this with a “strong mind and gentle heart”.
[1] Joseph Heller, in Catch-22
[2] Genesis 6:11
[3] Genesis 6:2
[4] Prikey Drabbi Eliezer 25, cited in Torah
Shlaima Noach, 150, p.398
[5] Midrash
[6] Midrash Tanchua, cited in Torah Shlaima
Noach, 168, p.401
[7] Genesis 9:20-21
[9] Sacks, J. (2009) Covenant and
Conversation, Genesis p.46
[10] Bereshis Rabba 30:9-10, based on Genesis
6:9
[11] Midrash Hagadol, in Torah Shlaima 140, p.
395
[12] The approach to Midrash has been discussed
in Nehama Leibovitz’s works
[13] Sacks, J. (2009) Covenant and
Conversation, Genesis p. 45
[14] Etz Yosef on Bereshis Rabba 30:9-10
[15] The Previous Lubavitcher Rebbe, R. YY.
Schneerson, in principles of education and guidance, 10.
[16] Torah Ohr, Noah
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