A group of
senior Muslim high school students, their teachers, a Catholic Priest and I, a
Hasidic, bearded Rabbi, sat down recently for a discussion about Jewish
marriage and sexual ethics as part of their Studies of Religion course.
I told the
students what they needed to know for their course about weddings. I noted that
In Judaism there are two distinct ceremonies. In earlier times these typically
happened first in the home of the bride’s parents and then that of the groom’s
parents (1) but today are done at the same time with only a symbolic break
between them. I shared that I found it interesting when two Muslim that I know
got married, it was not a one-step process. I attended a Nikah religious
wedding ceremony in a Mosque and a wedding feast with loud Lebanese drums.
I was more
interested in talking about marriage than weddings. I shared a memory with the
students from a time when I was not much older than them. I had watched a scene
in the movie, ‘Fidler on the Roof’. The devoutly religious Jewish husband turns to
his wife Goldeh, and asks her, “Do you love me?”. She finds the question
bizarre and wonders if he had indigestion.
She replied: “Do I love you? for twenty-five years, I've washed your
clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house…milked the cow. After twenty-five years, why talk about love
right now?”
As a young man
I was terribly troubled by the implication that in my very orthodox world we
could not expect to ever be in love. I had read some novels, and romantic loved
seemed marvellous, but not for me, it seemed. Years later I realised that due
to modesty, ultra-orthodox couples don’t show affection to each other in front
of other people, making love invisible.
I explained to
the students that Goldeh’s list of twenty-five years of caring action also
reflects a Jewish idea about the feeling of love being a product of caring and
loving behaviour. In the Torah we read that Isaac brought his wife Rebecca into
his tent, he married her and he loved her (2). In that order.
I shared with
them a Kabalistic teaching about Adam and Eve first being created back to back
as a double human (3), one side female and the other male. “But God split them so that they could face
each other, face to face, light in light” (4). Marriage is meant to be
about a powerful experience of connection between a couple. Unfortunately, for
many people in our time the mundane requirements of earning a living and housework leave little energy for anything else.
We are human
beings, not machines. For this reason, we also need to consider sexual ethics.
Due to the syllabus requirements, the students and I spent some time on
technical questions about restrictions and exceptions relating to contraception
and abortion. But we also got around to the requirement for consent for sex
within marriage, and guidance about the right way being that the couple should
have sex; when they are not angry with each other but rather out of joy (5).
We discussed
pleasure. Specifically, Jewish teachings that encourage men to consider women’s
sexual pleasure. Part of Jewish marriage is a contract called a Ketuba that
stipulates a husband’s obligation to be available to his wife sexually.
I was pleased
to learn from the Catholic priest that it was not correct that Sex is the
original sin. He explained that it is more appropriate to think of a child
being born into a morally troubled world.
A few days
after the session at the Islamic school, I was reflecting on all of this and it
got me thinking about the Jewish attitude to pleasure. Not just as a
requirement of kindness from a husband to his wife.
One explanation
of why snakes are not Kosher is because they “go on their bellies”. This is
interpreted as being symbolic of a person being pleasure-driven, both in terms
of food and sex (6). However, I recently read that God creates our desires (7).
I don’t believe sexual desire or pleasure are bad, it is only when it is out of
balance with other ways, being such as altruism, attentiveness to others in a
range of ways, and being of service.
This is the heart of the matter: human beings, essentially similar,
but significantly different in various ways, connecting in understanding each
other and ourselves.
Notes and sources
- Lamm, N. 2008, The Jewish Way in Love & Marriage
- Genesis 24:67, The Baal Haturim makes the point that this love was unconditional in contrast to the “love” or lust refered in the case of Amnon whose conditional “love” for his sister Tamar vanished after he had intercourse with her.
- Genesis 1:27 states: in the image of G-d he created him, Male and Female He created them. This implies that the first human was both one and two, and is therefore referred to both as “him” and “male and female” and them”.
- Zohar part 3, 44b
- Maimonides, Yad Hachazaka, Hilchot De’ot 5:4
- Chida, Vayikra, Parshat Shemini, 41, p.40
- Kedushat Levi, Vayigash, section beginning with Oh Yevuar, p. 105, elaboration in Slater, J. 2004, Mindful Jewish Living, Compassionate practice, Avis Press, p. 311
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