Accommodating! The word appeared in large font, an accusation, that screamed at me from my Lumina Spark personality report. The report that was generated in response to a detailed survey about my workplace behaviours featured a word cloud with the most significant of my characteristics shown in the biggest writing. There it was, in huge type - ACCOMODATING.
One of my hang-ups, and I don’t think I am unique in this, is questioning my own strength. Am I strong or weak? Does my reluctance to confront conflict prove that I am a wimp? Are my doubts and agonising about decision-making further proof of weakness? These kinds of ruminations are not useful, but if we have them, we are better off dealing with them than avoiding thinking about them.
As I reflect on such questions, it occurs to me that the Jewish New Year’s Day, Rosh Hashanah is fast approaching on 7-8 September. The words “behold, the day of judgement” echo in my mind. At my synagogue on Rosh Hashanah, we would have a choir, and two of its members with very strong deep singing voices – one a lawyer the other a judge – would sing these words in Hebrew in a slow solemn melody: Heenaaaay Yom Hadeeen, Heee-naay, Yo-o-m, Ha-----deeeen! Behold, the day of judgement!
The backstory of the Jewish day of judgement is that the first humans, Adam and Eve, were created on this date, and on that same day they ate forbidden fruit and were judged for it (1). History is repeated every year on the same day.
As He did to Adam in the Garden of Eden, God calls out to us, “where are you?” (2) “Where are you in the world? What have you accomplished? You have been allotted a certain number of days, hours, and minutes in which to fulfil your mission in life. You have lived so many years and so many days,”- over 50 years in my case - “Where are you? What have you achieved?” (3). And the super-ego can’t help itself but to appropriate the role of the divine judge to do a bit of judging of its own. Are you good enough? Big enough? Strong enough?
For a long time, I regularly showed up to the court of the false God in my head. I pleaded my case and presented my defence. I protested too much, then noticed that these thoughts were never enough to end the judgement. Self-criticism and self-doubt continue to be part of my life. But one day I decided that I had enough. I declared to the inner critic that I no longer recognised the legitimacy of his court. This is a pointless exercise! I thought, I just need to ignore it.
It worked to some extent but the other day I decided to change tack and take ownership of who I am and accept the gifts and challenges that God has given me.
I am accommodating! That is my nature. I am not a tough New Yorker. I am not Donald Trump. Good. I acknowledge that sometimes I will be accommodating in situations in which it would be more useful to me and the people I care about, or the cause I serve if I were to be assertive. But I also celebrate that I can tune in to other peoples’ perspectives and see the world through their eyes, and do what they want when it does not compromise my principles at all.
I remind myself that strength is defined by our sages as the conquest of one’s own self (4). To act with self-control. I am not perfect at this, but I often score some victories here. I would love to do even better.
With regards to one’s failure to exercise self-control, it is also useful to practice some degree of acceptance. We can work to address problems we own and acknowledge, but not those we deny. The first human to be judged, Adam, admitted to God that he ate the forbidden fruit (5). But as he did, he used the present tense, admitting that after he was offered the forbidden fruit, “I am eating it.” That is, I ate some, and I will continue to eat it (6). While some would regard this as brazen, another perspective is that Adam was owning up to the truth about himself. He knew his own reality that included a weakness for these forbidden fruits and was completely honest about this (7). This honesty is surely the first step to growth.
As we look back at a year that included challenges relating to COVID and lockdowns, let us be honest about what we noticed about ourselves and accept the truths we learned. Then let us forgive ourselves as surely as we believe that a Merciful God certainly forgives us (8). In fact, as Jews we approach the day of judgement as a celebration, wearing our best clothing; we eat and drink as we are confident in God’s mercy (9). We also engage in some serious self-reflection and prayer. Not a bad mix of responses to honestly engaging with the truth of our flawed and lovable selves.
For all who are observing Rosh Hashana, I wish you a happy and sweet new year. May it be sweet prosperous, free and healthy for all of humanity.
Sources
- Rabbi Nissim in Pesikta
- Genesis 3:9
- R. Schneur Zalman of Liadi, https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1107/jewish/Where-Are-You.htm
- Pirkey Avot 4:1
- Genesis 3:12
- Genesis Rabba 19:22
- Rabbi Mendel of Kotzk, in Oratz, E. (1990) Nothing but the Truth p. 43-44 Judaica Press.
- Tanya, end of chapter 26
- Jerusalem Talmud, Rosh Hashana 1:3
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