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| Photo by Timothy Vogel, Creative Commons License 2.0 Attribution required Non Commercial |
The topic was the challenge of broken trust. It was discussed by a group of Jewish school girls, sitting in a circle, with Calisha, a Muslim woman in a hijab who was co-facilitating the session with me.
Trust is earned, they said. When I lose trust in her, it is
because of what she did, they asserted. We insisted that this was not the whole
story. Trust is not just the result of other people’s choices. Trust is
sometimes a choice we make and a gift we give.
We asked the girls if they ever noticed teenagers yelling at
their parents, “You don’t trust me!!” It is screamed accusingly, with great
emotion, usually anger and indignation. It is as if the teenagers are saying, “How
dare you do this terrible thing to me and withdraw your trust in me?”.
Calisha and I are both parents of teenagers. We put it to
the teenage girls that the accusation seems ridiculous. Isn’t the reason the
parent doesn’t trust the child because the child behaved in an untrustworthy
way?!
The girls reflected on this. One girl suggested that
sometimes the child feels that they are more mature now than when they let their
parents down last time. Perhaps. At its core, it is because the child wants the
parent to not think about what went wrong last time, and the time before, and
instead to give the gift of trust this time. It is hard to feel loved and
mistrusted at the same time.
I am thinking about this. Each of us has been let down so
many times. There is an almost irresistible urge to take charge, take control, and refuse to let anyone hurt us again. I trusted before. I showed goodwill. I
hoped. I was disappointed. I will not be hurt again.
To be at peace and in friendship with our peers or others we
might need to apply a little caution to protect ourselves, but we must also
show a lot of courage.
C.S. Lewis wrote: “To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to
make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all
entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But
in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be
broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…”. [1]
In the spirit of this quote, told them a story about a
magnificent tree in a forest.
The tree was delightful. Its leaves and flowers were the
most beautiful colour, and dense. Its shade was cool. Its trunk healthy and
radiant.
Mr Wombat, waddled over to the tree, and looked up with deep
appreciation and joy. Wombat said to the tree, you are beautiful and I feel
such joy just looking at you.
Magnificent Tree said to Mr Wombat. I feel so touched and
loved. The tree opened its heart and invited the wombat inside. Wombat was amazed
by the beautiful diamonds inside the tree’s heart. Magnificent Tree said to
Wombat, please take one diamond home. Wombat reluctantly agreed. As soon as
Wombat returned home, he gave the diamond to Mrs. Wombat.
Fox saw Mrs. Wombat’s diamond and was envious. He too went
up to Tree and offered gushing compliments, none of which were sincere. Magnificent Tree
was naïve and invited Fox inside. Fox did not wait for an invitation to take
diamonds, he grabbed diamonds right and left, tearing and breaking Magnificent Tree’s
delicate heart. The tree was hurt and furious. Its heart snapped shut, trapping
Fox inside.
And from that day on the tree’s leaves were mostly drained
of their colours, there were fewer leaves, the trunk lost its shine and the
tree smelled vaguely awful. A really skilled nose would pick up the scent of
dead fox. Like CW Lewis’s heart in a coffin, refusing to trust and love hurts
us badly.
As believers, we are invited to trust God. Despite natural
disasters and human ones, God did not stop. We are still called to believe
in his infinite kindness. This is not easy.
Trust and faith are practices, not static states. Our
behaviours build our faith and trust or allow them to wither and die.
Every seventh year the Israelites would not plant or harvest
[2], pausing their “hustle” to make a statement of trust in God. “You might ask
what will we eat [3]?” God says trust me. Many Jews trusted God and downed
tools for the Sabbatical year, some do so to this day, but some did not trust
or stop farming.
The fury of God’s disappointment in the failure to observe
the Sabbatical year is intense. “I will make the land desolate so that your
enemies who settle in it shall be appalled by it…And you, I will scatter among
the nations, and I will unsheath the sword against you…Then shall the land make
up for its sabbath years throughout the time that it is desolate and you are in
the land of your enemies; then shall the land …observe the rest that it did not
observe in your sabbath years [4].
Failure to give God the gift of trust leads people in a
hustling [5] mode, or a controlling mode of being, working the land hard,
refusing to take time out for spiritual reflection [6], and being unwilling to “let
go and let God”.
This is hard work and I hope we all respond with compassion
to anyone struggling to trust after heartbreak. It is cruel to judge people for
failing to do this hard work. On the other hand, the consequences of not
letting go and trusting again are devastating.
A few minutes before the session ended with the girls, Calisha
and I gave them one last gift of trust. The game, Pattern-Ball, can become rowdy and silly
but we chose to trust them that they would do it sensibly, even though some of
them were unsettled after over an hour of learning with us. One girl reminded
us that we “do not want to smell like a dead fox”. There was no way to know if
the trust in the girls would be vindicated. It was.
Notes
[1] C.S.
Lewis - The Four Loves https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/3058-to-love-at-all-is-to-be-vulnerable-love-anything
[2] Leviticus
25
[3] Leviticus
25:20
[4] Leviticus
26:32-35
[5] Brown,
Brene, Rising strong
[6] Seforno
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